My husband and I hosted Christmas twice in a row for his nuclear family of 5, which went well.
Recently, my MIL quietly asked my husband to ask me separately if we would be willing to host Chinese New Year for his extended family (18 or more guests, including children and pets) in mid-February. She understands that I do not want to host, but she is being pressured and questioned by their extended family who’ve been asking for an invitation to see our home for the first time. They’re curious! Everyone else (parents, aunts and uncles, grandparents) have all hosted at least once. But he would be the first among the children.
My husband does not enjoy hosting gatherings and we rarely host, but he doesn’t mind. Also, since he is oldest son and cousin, this may play a big role in Chinese culture as they may want him to carry this tradition and be the main host in the future.
My problem is not with hosting – I am confident that I can do a great job! My concerns are around the large group size (18+ people), liability and safety issues when mixing small children and my dogs who can be aggressive and unpredictable around strangers and especially kids, guests who may ignore my house rules (i.e., clipping toe nails on the couch cushions), and most importantly – it’s not my idea and not on my timeline. I don’t want this. It was requested by my MIL as a favor.
I also have a creeping suspicion that it won’t be the last time (though my husband said it’s “just once”), since his parents really enjoyed their recent visit and were so kind to compliment the home on its cleanliness, interior design, and emphasized just how comfortable it was – enough to disappear into the home to take a nap right after the Christmas feast. I’m just worried that the extended family may want to make this the new spot for their gatherings.
In addition to my list of fears, I can’t even describe the amount of time and effort we put into decorating, cleaning, and cooking. I go all out! But Chinese New Year is a big event – it feels high-stakes! While I’m glad my MIL must trust me to host something so significant, that just adds to the pressure and means I’ll have to bite my tongue even harder if things take a turn.
If I say yes, I understand the risks. If I say no, they’ll know I’m the reason, which is why my MIL asked my husband to discuss it with me separately. I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t! I’m afraid of disappointing my husband and his family and feel selfish because I’m the blocker. Should it just be one and done?
The volume of people can rightfully take some potential hosts aback. And also if you’re expected to cater the entire event.
I’ve commonly seen Chinese gatherings where they make it work with that volume of people. Often it’s a potluck with everyone asked to bring their dish to share, extra fold up chairs, with paper plates and disposable utensils. Someone brings in takeaway Chinese BBQ and sometimes Chinese restaurant takeout. Way less work.
Kids perhaps get the basement to play, while adults socialize in the living room. You keep doors closed that you don’t want guests to enter into.
You have a legitimate safety concern due to your dogs. How will you monitor the dogs and play host at the same time?
Are you Chinese? Do you understand the meal requirements for either of the CNY meals? Who will pay for and do all the work to host if your husband doesn’t enjoy it?
Does your house have the space, furniture, and dishes to host 18+ people for a traditional Chinese family meal? Because I don’t think they’ll accept people eating on paper plates and sitting on the floor.
MIL’s inability to say no to the extended family is her problem; I would refuse to make it mine. If the extended family would like to visit, they can contact your husband about it. If you wish to help her, you could maybe invite smaller groups over for casual afternoon visits. Less pressure, fewer people to manage per event even if you end up hosting 2-3 smaller groups.
Because you and hubby are married and have formed your own household, I wouldn’t accept the extended family going through MIL to arrange visits or whatnot. They can contact your hubby directly. And if they don’t… well, then you never heard about this interest or request.
I am Chinese and there is no way in hell I would agree to this if I was in your shoes. The dog issue, the sheer number of people and the pressure of hosting a CNY meal?! Heck no!
Yes, my biggest fear is the dogs and small children! I am not Chinese, but my husband has tried to reassure me that we would not need to cook everything as his family is planning a potluck and catering. However, I want us to cook the main dishes and offer many sides as the hosts. We would need to bring in a foldable table and extra seats to accommodate all guests, but it’ll be a full house.
Thank you for sharing your perspective – really appreciate it!! I also feel bad for my MIL and the overwhelming pressure she’s getting, but I agree that they should ask my husband and I directly.
NTA but wouldn’t it be easier to just invite people over for lunch or dinner in smaller groups to come see the house? It doesn’t have to be everyone all at once or nothing.
My MIL specifically asked us to host CNY for a big get-together so everyone can attend the viewing and celebrate.
Yes, but you don’t want to do that and are trying to decline right? I’m saying that doesn’t have to be the end of it. If a reason she is asking is that people want to see your new home and you want to show it off but not in a stressful large gathering, I’m just suggesting a simpler option which is to to occasionally invite some relatives over in smaller groups. It doesn’t have to be no we aren’t hosting and then they never come over.
That many people? Go to a restaurant. Ahead of time decide to split the cost- any alcohol is paid for individually.
NTA either way you go.
We hosted like 30 recently in our new place (it’s pretty small) with two dogs and kids running around.
If you do host come up with a strategy and also just because you host this does not mean you have to host in the future .
NTA, but what about a restaurant event with refreshments at your home after ( tea, scotch, the usual).
Ok, first of all, as an Asian, I would say, please please accept this request from your MIL as a compliment and not as a demand/imposition. Reading between your lines, what I see is a MILwho is immensely proud of you and your husband and your beautiful house, who is probably getting tons of pressure from family to do a ‘looksee party’. Ugh but it is what it is.
So, you don’t want to host 18 all at once and that is completely 100% understandable.
Buuuuut, the question is, how do you delicately say no whilst saving face and not embarrassing yourself, your husband and your MIL to the bigger family?
As an older Asian wife & mom, is there any way you can ask your husband for other types of hosting options that would please the extended family but not drive you insane? Here’s some ideas off the top of my head:
\- that you can do a CNY party but for a much smaller number of people. (pick the oldest uncle or aunt to invite, in order of family precedence.)
\- that you can do 18 ppl but NOT at CNY but at a different time where there will be less pressure – such as a summer barbeque (1st of July? Labour day?) so that you can also have much longer to prepare and plan
\- that you have legitmate safety concerns about the dogs and that you want \*MIL\* to make suggestions about what to do about that. Put the responsibility back in her court to figure it out.
I don’t think any one is an AH in this situation, and I hope you and your husband can talk this out.
Congratulations on your beautiful home and Happy New Year!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts as a wife and mother!! I also believe my MIL believes in me and trusts me to host and represent her family well. I’m just overwhelmed about it landing on CNY and the headcount, but that was her specific request. Also, they usually gather altogether, so I’m not sure if I can suggest smaller parties. And yes, I will definitely ask her about the dog situation! Tysm and Happy New Year!!
At first I thought CNY was a further offshoot of CSNY but then I realized David Crosby is dead and this post is about a new years observance.
Then I thought, why is OP worried that a guest will engage in the hugely inappropriate act of “…clipping toe nails on the couch cushions”? I started to think OP is just looking for any excuse to get out of hosting.
And I conclude that she is but with good reason. I don’t think there are any assholes here (except for whomever made the “no toenail clipping” rule necessary).
NTA
NTA, sounds really stressful and CNY is a huge event. If you’re not comfortable with it, maybe tour the house and then have the eating happen outside at a restaurant? Dogs and small children are an iffy mix and for that to all happen during CNY seems chaotic to say the least.