i’ll try to make this as quick as possible to not waste anyone’s time. i’m freshly engaged, turned 26 this month, life is going good. my wedding is in march, so i wanted to have a little party/get together with close friends and family beforehand to celebrate! thing is, i don’t really want my mother or my brother there. my father is out of town, but i did still extend an invitation to him if he came back home in time for the party.
so, context, i don’t really care for my brother. i love him as a sibling i’ve grown up with, but over the years, a lot of his actions and behavior made me distance myself from him a lot. i’m not sure when he changed. we used to be close when we were in our teens, but he had grown really misogynistic and overall disrespectful towards women in horrible ways over these past years, i’ll say maybe during covid. a few weeks after my fiancé proposed, my brother had given him this whole speech through voicemail, going on about how my fiancé has to "tie me down now before i continue working" and that "he hopes my fiancé can teach me the values of a true woman instead of acting like a b/tch all the time". it was disgusting, awful, and it did result in us not speaking for some months (i was proposed to in july, we became somewhat cordial again in november).
now, my mother, i love her. she was like my best friend growing up, and i would want nothing more than for her to be with me every step of the way through this wedding process. but even though i love her a lot, it’s literally no secret she loves my brother much more. she excuses his behavior constantly and swears that, even though he is literally turning 30 next year, he just needs some time to grow.
now, my plan was to originally have my mom come and not invite my brother at all. however, when i sent her the invite, i specifically stated NOT to send it to my brother, because i know that even if he’s not my biggest fan right now, he will still show up to start some drama. this made her really upset, like upset to the point that she sobbed to me on the phone about it. she thinks that it’s wrong of me to isolate my brother from important events when we used to be so close and that i should put aside petty drama to love him and come together again. she just went on and on about how much he was trying to be better and that all of the hurtful things he’s done to me doesn’t matter because he’s "*trying*".
this pissed me the hell off, so when we hung up, i asked my fiancé if i should just not let either of them come. he was 100% on board with it; however, my dad is not. my dad is in full support of me not letting my brother come, but he thinks it’s unfair to punish my mother for being a little naive.
in someway, i sort of agree with my father that i’m being too hard on my mother, but i’m at a standstill. so, WIBTA if i didn’t let either of them come?
Nope, NTA. Tell her directly, “mom, he needs to try a lot more and a lot harder before I’m going to let him anywhere near any of my important events. If you can respect that, I’d love to see you at (event). If not, I will miss you.”
That’s also your loophole with your dad. “I didn’t say she can’t come. I said she has to respect that brother is not invited. If she chooses not to come because of that, it’s her choice”.
If this is your first time with a boundary around your brother or other family, it’s going to be hard. Quite frankly, it will suck. But you can do it, and when they realize you mean it and your fiance supports you, it will get easier.
you put what i want to say in words! i’ll be honest, i’m a bit weak setting boundaries with my mother. with my brother it comes like breathing air, but i guess i have some confidence issues to work on when telling her specifically no. thank you!
Info: Is your dad (physically and mentally) strong enough to corral and kick out your brother if he pulls something?
definetly lol. he’s one of the strongest men i know for 53, along with my fiancé, so i don’t doubt that if something did happen, it would be handled. it would just suck for anything to happen at all. i’m hoping it won’t have to come to that, but my brother has pulled things like showing up drunk to birthday parties i told him i did not want him at and causing drama.
NTA. Your mom would likely bring your brother or make a scene that your brother isn’t there.
Misogyny has consequences. He’s going to learn one way or another. He’s an adult. Why would a woman want him around for a big day and celebration?
NTA – your mother is more than a “little naive”. She is excusing and enabling your brothers behaviour. Been there done that. He was still being excused and defended at nearly 60yo when she died, no matter how awful he was to me.
i’m so sorry for your loss and so sorry that you’re dealing with the same disrespect. that’s exactly the word for it, enabling. it’s why i’m so conflicted about her being there in the first place. i love her and she means the world to me, but if she’s so okay with letting him treat me like this and get no consequence in return, what does that say for us?
NTA. This is your celebration, and you’re allowed to protect your peace. Your brother’s behavior was gross and disrespectful, and your mom keeps excusing it and ignoring your boundaries. If she can’t come without pushing him or causing drama, it’s reasonable to not invite her either. That’s not punishment it’s setting boundaries. You’re not wrong for wanting a stress-free engagement party.
NTA. Oh, come on! Your mom isn’t naive. She simply and consistently believes that her golden child can do no wrong.
Having her at your ceremony without her chosen child invited is like inviting a lit stick of dynamite.
Info: maybe I missed this, but are your parents together?
I grew up in a similar situation. My brother was an asshole to me when I was much younger and caused a lot of drama at family events. He’s had a hard life and my mother always defended him regardless of the grief he caused. It was one reason I seldom spoke to my mother. I spoke to him when my mother died in 1998 and when my father died in 2010. I haven’t spoken to him since. I wish I could but I know I’d be inviting disaster, even if he is 78. Set the boundaries that work for you, not your mother.
NTA
You did invite your mother. She is choosing to boycott your party unless you invite your brother. That’s emotional blackmail.
YWBTA if you rescind the invitation to your mother. You’ve invited her, let her make her choice to come or not.
yeah, this makes a lot of sense. i honestly think the big echo chamber is telling me to just let her decide, which i believe is best. i just hope she doesn’t think of bringing my brother along if she does show
NTA. Send your dad the emails and ask him if supporting this type of behavior is being “naive?” Mom is enabling your AH of a brother. Sorry you are going through this, but engagements and weddings are for surrounding yourself with people who love and support you. They are not for people who are openly hostile to you or for people who try to manipulate you into letting their favorite child ruin your day.