Me and my two closest friends were planing on having a fun girls night watching movies, making pizza and other things we like. Friend 1, who I’m not upset with, gets ill and says she can’t come. This is sad but understandable as lots of people around us have been getting sick. Friend 2 asks me if I still want to do something and I say yes, so we plan a fun little girls night just the two of us. Then like at 11 pm she says sorry maybe we can do it some other day? Like what?!? Idk but this just made me kinda upset and sad and disappointed since I was really looking forward to it and we had planned it in such detail and she didn’t even give me a reason why. This isn’t my only reason, she has flaked off in the past with weak reasons and always comes at least 30 minutes to an hour late to every get together. So I want to arrange a future girls get together, but would I be the asshole if I didn’t invite her?
NTA
If you kept including her you’d be telling her that you were fine with being treated thoughtlessly.
INFO: When was the hangout? You say she texted at 11 PM. When were you supposed to meet?
The evening the following day, but things had already been bought and prepared
YTA, if you don’t at least talk to her about it, then. Just not inviting her out of the blue is an asshole move. Let her know that you’re hurt and feel like she doesn’t care. See what she does with it before turning it into drama.
With that info: ESH- DId you even bother to ask her if she was ok – she didn’t necessarily owe a reason but who knows what truly happened. Have a conversation. Also depending on how old you are, the reason she is late, might not be her fault all… She shouldn’t just be cancelling for no reason and last minute but life happens.
Hate when people flake, especially after there’s been an investment of emotions, time, and resources.
I say, tell her what you just told us. Tell her how the (presumably) last-minute cancellation and habit of late arrivals makes you feel like she doesn’t respect your time. Even if she doesn’t mean it that way, that’s the end result. Tell her you love spending time with her and have wanted to bring this up because she means a lot to you.
Then see what she says.
Don’t plan something and not invite her. Be respectful and let her know. Communicate openly. Otherwise, you’ll cause more hurt and the real issue will just get buried in “but you did this to me” and “but what about what you did to me” type of arguments.
NTA she deserves the same effort as she puts in.
INFO: How old are you?
I believe in giving people some grace, especially if you didn’t communicate fully with them. Maybe she has a lot going on. Tell her that you were disappointed that she canceled so last minute and that you hope she’s OK. And tell her that you put a lot of planning and effort into your get together, so to please let you know if she can’t come in advance for the next get together. I think it would be rude just to not invite her and that could possibly lead to some arguments. if it keeps on happening, then yeah, stop inviting her.
YWNBTA, but I would be straight with her before snubbing her. Hey, look, you often ditch out on me, and you’re always late, you’re my friend, but it’s not cool. Sometimes people need feedback. Sometimes they;re just stuck in their path. This would help ascertain which.
We know a couple that flake out on plans constantly, or worse try to completely change them at the last minute.
We just stopped making plans with them. That kind of behavior is exhausting.
NTA. There is a massive difference between being “petty” and simply being “realistic.”
Emergencies happen, but when someone cancels at 11 pm without so much as an explanation, they are telling you that your time and effort are not a priority to them. You are not being an asshole for finally believing them. You put in the work to plan a detailed night, and it is completely exhausting to have to “brace for disappointment” every time you send an invite.
Choosing to leave her out next time isn’t a mean-spirited punishment; it is a natural consequence of her own behaviour. You deserve to have a girls night where you can actually get excited about the pizza and movies instead of constantly checking your phone to see if she is going to bail again.
**HOWEVER** (and this is important lol) if you aren’t ready to cut her out of the rotation entirely, you could try **being explicit about your boundaries instead.** You could give her one more chance with a clear heads up. Tell her: “I’d love for you to come, but the last-minute bails and lateness make it really hard for me to stay excited about planning things. If you can’t make it or need to reschedule, I need more notice than a late-night text”
By doing this, you are giving her the opportunity to step up meaning that **IF** she cares about the group, she will take the initiative to show up on time or be the one to organise the next catch-up to make it up to you. If she flaked again after that conversation, then the “exclusion” by reverting back to plan A won’t be a surprise anymore LOL it is just the natural result of her not meeting the **BASIC REQUIREMENTS** of the friendship.
Ultimately, I am a big believer in giving people the tools they need to succeed (you would be the tool giver in this case) rather than just waiting for them to fail. whether she uses them or not is entirely up to her.
# TL;DR
# You aren’t being petty; you are reacting to a pattern of disrespect. Either set a firm boundary by telling her that last-minute flakes are no longer acceptable, or stop inviting her to avoid the “cancellation fatigue” Give her the tools to succeed by being honest about your expectations but if she still chooses to bail, that is on her, not you.