Hi all, throwaway account to protect my main.
For background, my husband and his older brother Jason are estranged. All his life, my husband has been tormented by Jason, more than the usual sibling squabbles. He’s told me of a time where his brother pinned him to the floor with a knife to his throat as a 10 year old. His parents didn’t do anything to stop him, instead telling my husband to not rock the boat and stay calm so as not to escalate further.
Jason has only worsened with age and the break up of a long term relationship. He turned to alcohol and got meaner, to the point his parents had to call the police on him after a drunken bout.
There was an incident Christmas 2023 when our son was a newborn and Jason turned up unexpectedly with my in-laws to celebrate Christmas at our house. He was drinking and swearing, and while I was out of the room, told my husband he knew how to really hurt and made a move towards our sleeping son. I came back to find my husband standing protectively over our baby, the angriest he’d ever been, and my MIL apologising tearfully and saying they’ll go now. My husband threw Jason out and we haven’t seen him since. The in-laws keep pressuring my husband to make contact with Jason, claiming there is blame on both sides but we’ve refused. They have sent messages to say Jason says hello or Jason says congratulations on the second pregnancy but the messages never come from Jason himself, always through MIL. My husband has no interest in reconnecting and it seems like Jason himself isn’t too bothered either, given that he didn’t invite my husband to his upcoming wedding. All the pushing is coming from my in-laws. I can understand them wanting their sons to get along and that they want a happy complete family but there has been too much pain for my husband and they seem to focus on the "easier" son to pressure rather than putting the blame where it truly lies.
The latest is Jason and his fiancée have apparently bought our son a Christmas gift that is conveniently at MILs house despite Jason living in another country. They are now pressuring my husband to send a gift to the fiancée’s son "as the nice thing to do". We have never met this child or his mother, and have nothing to do with Jason. We don’t have anything against the kid but also don’t believe the story that they’ve bought our son a gift when they won’t say hello or talk to him at all when he’s sitting on MIL’s knee during a facetime. We also have a very strict Christmas budget set that we’ve almost reached the limit on as we’re preparing for our second baby and don’t have a lot of funds to buy a present for someone we don’t know, let alone send internationally.
AITA if we don’t buy a gift? This is after all a child who hasn’t ever done anything to us and it’s Christmas but we really aren’t comfortable and don’t want contact with Jason.
NTA. It was your MILS doing and planning the gifts. Not Jason. She used this as a manipulation tactic. She spent seem she will stop any time soon. Are you low contact or NC?
Tell them you don’t want the gift. (You know it’s from his parents). And you will not be purchasing anything for Jason or his family.
NTA.
NTA – you don’t have contact with any of these people so a gift isn’t needed. The step-nephew likely wouldn’t care or notice anyway. If MIL is that invested, she can buy and send gift “from you”
NTAH. Honestly, it sounds as if your in-laws bought the gift. There is no need to go over budget for a child you have never met, who is not even related to you or your husband and is simply the fiance’s son. This is especially true since you are expecting another child.
Your husband should step up and tell his parents he is done with Jason and that they need to stop their efforts of being one big happy family.
NTA. Like you said you don’t even know this kid and the kid doesn’t know you either so he definitely isn’t going to be hurt about not getting a gift from somebody he has never even met before! TBH it sounds like MIL has set this whole thing up to try and get you to make the first move towards a reconciliation with Jason, a reconciliation that you don’t even want at that!
YWNBTA. There is no reason to get a gift for someone you have never met and will not intentionally meet in the future. I agree with your assessment that all the effort that Jason is making is really your MIL. The only way to get her to stop is to set and hold a boundary. Tell her that you do not want to reconnect with Jason and will no longer entertain any conversations about it. If she talks about reconnecting with him, you will leave the conversation (hang up the phone, leave the room, etc). Then you have to actually do it. You could suggest that she talk to a therapist about the situation instead.
He threatened to hurt your baby!! He should be in jail don’t spend a cent on them
YTAs for not immediately ending the conversation whenever anyone mentions anything about Jason.
Your husband should be no contact with his brother, to protect his family. If his parents can’t accept that he should do the same with them. They should have protected him from his brother when he was young. They allowed the bad behavior to continue and escalate. Your husband needs to break that cycle. Any children his brother has, and your financial situation are not relevant.
Edit to add NTA
Jason’s wife is about to have a bad time if she goes through with the wedding. Stand your ground on the NC. I wouldn’t be surprised if your MIL was the one who bought the gift as an attempt to get your husband and his brother to reconnect.
YWNBTA. Stay safe from all that nonsense.
NTA. This would be between your husband and his brother.
But I get the feeling that MIL bought the present and said it is from the brother.
And who is pressuring your husband? The in-laws? Your husband needs to tell them that the two of you don’t have any spare money for a present and won’t be buying anything and to tell MIL that she can buy and post a present.
NTA. You are estranged for good reason and have no relationship with the child. Honestly, I would be having a long conversation with your in-laws to lay off the pressure or you will be going low-contact. You have your reasons, and its time your in-laws accepted this.
I’d ask the MIL to explain how there is blame “on both sides”. Jason made a violent threat against an infant (his BROTHERS infant, no less), and i can’t imagine how anyone could turn that into a “there are two sides to every story” situation. if it were me, anyone still in contact with Jason – let alone trying to get ME to engage with Jason in ANY way – would be completely cut off.
NTA. But you both need to set boundaries with the inlaws. Either this pushing to reconnect ends or you go no contact with them too. Don’t give them an ultimatum just tell them to stop afew times and do what you have to do silently if they don’t. And I think you’re right it was probably your inlaws that actually bought the gift not the brother.