Two years ago, I (25F) offered to let my brother (22M) stay with me. At the time, I had a spacious 2 bed 1 bath apartment. He wasn’t working, wasn’t going to school, and was living rent free with my Nana. I told him I’d help him get a job, save up money, find a place to stay. I told him he wouldn’t have to pay rent, would just need to pay for groceries, and he could stay for up to a year if needed. He said he was interested and then ghosted me when I tried to follow up.
My circumstances have changed quite a bit since then. Left my ex, moved to a bigger city and downgraded my place to a 1 bed 1 bath 700 sqft apartment. Brother has not had a job in a few months, back to living with my Nana in a very rural town.
Today, he called and asked me if that offer still stood. My apartment is not big enough for two people, and I am no longer in a position where I could provide for him for that long. I asked how long he would need to stay, and he said 3-6 months. I asked if he had a job lined up, and he said no. Said it’s so hard for him to find a job right now, especially in that rural town. Moving to this city would help with the job market.
He is very private about his life now. He up and ran away to a different state earlier this year and didn’t tell anyone where he was. Just came back sometime in July. We used to be very close, went through a very traumatic upbringing together, but he doesn’t really talk to me much anymore. Became very reclusive to everyone. He’s lied to my parents a lot, unsure if he’s ever lied to me.
I love him more than life itself, and I want to see him thriving. However, I don’t want to put myself in a position where I’m stretched too thin trying to keep him afloat. It’s a crappy situation all around. I’m the sibling all my other siblings come to when crap hits the fan; I’ve always been the rock. But now I’m also in a less than ideal situation and can’t see myself being able to support him, too.
My mother wants me to let him stay with me as long as he finds a job first, and wants us to rent a bigger place together afterwards (absolutely not).
At most, I would be comfortable letting him stay here for 2 months maximum, but he would need to prove to me he had a job and was willing to save up money to find his own place. Then, I run into the issue of if I’d have to kick him out if the 2 months is over and he’s made no movement finding a place.
Selfishly, I like having my own space. I like being able to decompress after work, I like being able to have my boyfriend over and host my friends. I like not having to entertain another person 24/7. I like having a space just for me, and I don’t want to give that up.
I feel obligated to help him because he’s my baby brother. I WANT to help him because I love him with all my heart, but this is a lot to take on. WIBTA if I told him no?
NTA. Have you heard the phrase, “Don’t light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm?”
The offer was made when it was doable for you. It is no longer doable. Sorry.
Your original offer expired when you moved to a smaller residence. Since you “love him more than life itself” perhaps it is time for some tough love. Your compromise offer of letting him stay for 2 months is reasonable; that said, you will have to be ready to follow through and kick him out if he hasn’t sorted his life by then. If you can’t do that you are better off not letting him stay with you in the first place. I don’t see anyone here acting as an asshole so NAH.