My husband (m35) isn’t into tattoos. I (f33) have a few tattoos already that I got before we met, nothing too big and both are related to friends. My husband doesn’t really like tattoos in general, but has expressed that he doesn’t care that I have them either. I have been wanting a new tattoo for years but never really knew what I wanted. Until recently. I finally came up with a tattoo idea that I would enjoy having; an isopod crawling on my wrist. So tonight I reached out to an artist to set it up. But when I told my husband my plans, he got a bit upset with me over it and now I don’t know what to do. Here is the context:
My husband has a bug hobby. Specifically isopods and millipedes. Things have not been going well for him lately in that department. A lot of his bugs have not made it for various reasons and he can’t seem to get the situation under control. He currently has a couple of isopod species that are doing well- one of which is the specific isopod species I was going to get tattooed. The reason he said he doesn’t want me to get the tattoo is because if these isopods end up dying, seeing one tattooed on me will remind him of his failures.
I was so excited about this because I thought it would be a cute tattoo that would remind me of him because we both share a love of this species and they’re very pretty and cute. But he shot me down so fast about it, I just left his room dejected, telling him I guess I would just cancel my inquiry with the artist. Now he’s locked himself in his room.
Part of me wants to argue with him and consider getting the tattoo anyway. But I’m not sure if this makes me an asshole. I know how crushed hes been with his other bugs dying and I do want to be sensitive about his feelings, but the species I was going to get is currently doing really well and showing no signs of failing, so I feel like his reaction is a bit over the top. WIBTA if I went through with getting the tattoo?
Edit: Thank you everyone for your input. I did not expect such a quick response and that has been very helpful for me to navigate this problem. I will probably not get the tattoo, which I am sad about, but I don’t want to be the AH here. I will discuss with my husband once he’s cooled down about it if he’s okay with me changing the species or if this is just totally off the table and I have to find a new idea for a tattoo. Your responses have helped me be able to approach this more pragmatically to prevent it causing any further tension, so thank you very much.
Edit 2: My husband and I talked. I told him I didn’t want to upset him by getting the tattoo. He actually said he liked the idea and thought it was cute and told me I could get it if I wanted. I explained that I didn’t want to get it if it made him uncomfortable or sad and that I was worried if I did and his bugs didn’t make it, it would be upsetting for him. I asked him if he had any suggestions about other species he would think were cute (and also to try to make sure I don’t accidentally suggest one that he lost as I don’t know all of them and there were quite a few he’s had), but he said the one I chose was probably the best option for a tattoo in his opinion. He even said if he had any interest in ever getting a tattoo himself, he’d be inclined to get the same. I’m definitely feeling a bit of whiplash on his emotions right now. I asked him to think on it a bit and we can talk about it again tomorrow just to be sure he’s 100% okay with it.
He has given you a pretty decent reason why he doesn’t want you to get that particular tattoo. I would be inclined to respect his wishes on that if I were in your shoes. You could hold off for a while to see how things go.
I agree with your take. I have tattoos and my husband is not a huge fan. I had a few before we were married and got a couple more years into our marriage. While he doesn’t care for them, he does appreciate that I like them and they have meaning to me. Ultimately, it is my body, but he’s also allowed to not like tattoos. For OP, bugs are a sore subject for her husband right now. She should postpone this tattoo idea and maybe look into another design, and swing back around to it at a later date. For me, she’s saying the tattoo is a representation of her husband’s love for bugs, but he’s telling her he isn’t on board with this design, and it would actually be painful for him to see. This design is no longer about her husband and now about HER love of bugs.
I might be saying the obvious, but this feels more like it’s about his stresses & insecurities about the isopods than the actual tat. could you help him troubleshoot? does he want help?
I feel like NAH though I’m not set on it
EDIT: obviously he would be the ass if he forbade you from getting it
YTA
You mentioned it to him, he told you in plain language it would upset him, and you’re still considering it. So you would intentionally and permanently modify your body in a way that you know will upset the person you’ve committed to spending the rest of life with.
My partner and I both have tattoos, and I can easily admit that he has a couple that are not my favorite at all. But as others will say, it is on his body – not mine.
That said, this might be a situation where you do take his feelings into account specifically because you want the tattoo to represent him. Is there one that wouldn’t hold such significance emotionally, but could still represent his hobby? Or a way to have it illustrated that isn’t such a direct link?
NAH – you mean well, but he’s clearly more emotionally affected by these bugs than you expected
If you’re planning this tattoo as a way to remind you of your love for him, it would be an odd choice to do it despite his issue with it.
I think your tattoo idea is adorable and it’s a lovely homage to your husband and his passionate hobby. I think you should get it, but maybe in the future after his pride isn’t wrapped up in his swarm or whatever.
In the meantime find another tattoo design you’re passionate about which doesn’t have anything to do with him.
If you choose to get it, I bet he’ll learn to love it, but I worry it’ll drive a wedge for a while and if the tattoo is worth the wedge
YTA. To me this reads as you getting a tattoo of one of HIS hobbies. I would not like it if my spouse got a tattoo of something that I really enjoyed. It feels kind of like one upmanship
I was 100% on your side until he explained why he didn’t like it- I think that’s a pretty valid reason for him to not enjoy the idea. It’s a really cute and endearing concept, but I also wouldn’t want to see a reminder of my own “failure” all the time. Is there a type of bug he loves that he wouldn’t try to raise?
This sounds less like control over your tattoos and more of a personal reason that involves representing his hobby, and something specific about the hobby that upsets him at this time, so for that YWBTA
INFO: If you’re getting the tattoo as a reference to him or to think of him, why get something that he has explicitly said makes him sad?
YTA. you can do what you want because your body your choice. But…
Let’s reverse this scenario. You wrote a novel and shopped it around to over a dozen publishers and was rejected every single time. Your husband wants to support your writing and decides to get a tattoo of the title of your failed novel. Would you appreciate having that tattooed on his wrist so that you can see your failure every. single. day?
YTA your body, your choice but I actually side with him. Dude doesn’t want a reminder of his failures which have lead to the deaths of his little buddies. Poor guy
Don’t listen to these people. This isn’t about controlling your body, it’s about having empathy for your partner.
Imagine you guys had a beloved pet that died and you wanted it tattooed. Yes it is your choice… but imagine your partner would be heartbroken everytime they saw it.
Sometimes love is sacrifice. I know I wouldn’t do that to my partner. I also know if the genders were reversed in this story a lot of the early commenters would be saying “YTA why don’t you care about her feelings? You’re so heartless. Do you even love her?!” Etc etc.. it’s so hypocritical
“Your body your choice” comments are so immature and have nothing to do with the nuance of your situation. Ultimately you have free will, but I don’t know why anyone (who loves their partner) would purposely get something tattooed that is very personal to their partner, that their partner doesn’t approve of. I’m sure it can’t be that important to you that’s it’s worth dying on that hill.. but hey i could be wrong. Just doesnt seem worth it if you guys have a good relationship.
It’s like everyone has forgotten what being in a relationship is and not simply splitting bills and having kids.
Very Soft YTA. Though I think you mean well and haven’t gone through with it just yet. Please speak more with your partner —> maybe reach some middle ground, like if the isopodes are a success for 1year he’ll feel more at ease? 😊 work with each other
YTA, he is giving you a valid reason not to get that specific tattoo. At this time. Who knows in the future it may be an option. Do you love your partner and care about his feelings?
The answer will be yes or no depending on if you get the tattoo. I would never do something that would cause my significant other pain if I could help it. We fight and we compromise but I would not hurt him intentionally.
You getting this tattoo would hurt him, and it would essentially be you doing it with the knowledge it would be a painful thing for him.
Pick a different bug or a different tattoo. That options are endless