For context, the past few months have been extremely rough on me(19m) and my current roommate/ best friend(21m). He moved in about 1.5 years ago with my mom, stepdad, and I.
Recently my mom and stepdad separated, leaving just me and my roomate alone, with no money because of my mother taking so much and exaggerating how much everything is, so she can pocket the excess. We have been trying to get back on our feet with only 1 car, no one who can give rides, and living 15 minutes out of town, so it’s been insanely difficult to try and do anything that would put us in a better situation.
Last night my roommate tells me that a mutual friend is having to choose between rent, and his car note. And that this friend is asking if he can move into the recently empty bedroom in our house for a few months. Immediately my first thought is NO. the friend that wants to move in is 26 with a girlfriend and baby.
I’m also in a relationship, but I’m 19 and want nothing to do with a baby in the slightest. I hate kids, especially babies, to a point of genuine phobia because of some problems in my upbringing and the lack of control you have with a baby in your life.
Today, the struggling friend texts me while I’m at work, asking if I’d spoken to my roomate, and I told him No, and he just outright asked me if he could move in. Upon talking to it with my roomate further, he had already planned out the space for them, we are their only option, and another friend of ours has basically already denied them.
The room they would be getting is literally the room I was actively working on moving into, and it also cuts off the master bathroom which my girlfriend and I use frequently.
On top of that, I’m a musician who need extra space for band practice. I’m a stoner who isn’t comfortable smoking around children. There are no job opportunities here, so the promise of "just a couple months" really means nothing. and last but not least, I’ve seen how they keep their personal space, and I really don’t want any part of the house I’m paying for to be trashed because of people I don’t even really want here.
I can’t just give my roomate no say in this, because he pays bills too, but I’m tired of giving up everything to make other people happy, and my house is the last straw. I feel bad because I put my roomate in this rough situation to begin with, but I know for a fact that it would only get worse adding more mouths to feed and a literal INFANT to the mix.
I once again am going to empathize how much I don’t like kids. It’s genuinely to the point that if they live here, I will be miserable and isolated in my room until they leave because I hate babies so much.
I can’t let my friend just be homeless and let his family fall apart. I don’t want to be a heartless monster about this, but at what point does giving in prices of yourself for other people stop being a good thing.
Tldr: roomate wants to help struggling new parents, but I hate kids too much.
NTA
It is a massive undertaking to take these people into your house. No one is going to down play their need, and the strain it will place on you. Having said that, if you agreed to this knowing that you won’t be able to handle the stress of the situation: you are intentionally being deceptive. That doesn’t help them, or you, or anyone in between.
Sometimes we can **identify** real need when we see it. Sometimes we can **want to** give to those in need. Sometimes we simply **don’t have** what they need.
To add to this^ As a good friend, you can also connect them with resources within the community.
NTA .. This is an unreasonable request.
These people need social services, not you. NTA
NTA. Speaking from an older person’s (47) perspective, I get it. I’ve lived it. STICK TO YOUR GUNS. You absolutely cannot be responsible for everyone else. Because if you do it for this person, here’s 20 more lining up. It sucks and I would totally feel like shit saying no too, but you need to protect yourself. And the hating kids does not make you a bad person, you’ve been through some traumatic shit, you don’t need to justify that to anyone. Not their business to know. There’s also a liability issue. I’ve done trusted people before too, felt sketchy about it. Guess what? My shit got tore up. It SUCKED. And they just went on with their happy little lives. Meanwhile I’m picking up trash and replacing broken stuff to this day. Trust your gut and stick with it, PROTECT YOURSELF. It really does suck to feel this way but the world has sadly changed.
It’s typically not a good idea to have others move in without some type of contract. Idk where you live, but some places it is very difficult to get others out once they’ve moved in.
Valid concern, thank you for bringing it to my attention
NTA. Not your fault they’re in trouble. The are grown up parents. They have many options.
“No.”
NTA. But if you take them in they are never leaving.
Just because you CAN do it, doesn’t mean you SHOULD do it. “No” is a complete sentence. Or if you want to expound, “I’m sorry you’re going through it but moving your family into our spare bedroom is not an option.” And stick to your guns. Remember that you’re not responsible if he becomes homeless – you were the last exit in a string of possibly many bad decisions or unfortunate circumstances that had nothing to do with you that led to this outcome.
INFO: Do the friend and girlfriend not have families? Have they sought social services/looked into shelters, etc.? Are they prepared to cover ALL of their own expenses (food, toiletries, diapers/formula, etc.) as well as the increase in the utilities at the house? What kind of car is the friend paying for — could it be let go/replaced with something cheaper?
Lots and lots of questions here.
NTA you’re literally 19. This man is 26 with a gf and a CHILD. He and the gf have got to figure it out. It would also be an insane environment for a baby. Especially if you continue doing what 19 year olds do and you’re well within your rights to do.
Tell the roommate that at the end of the day the agreement was for just the two of you to be in the house. He shouldn’t have put you in this situation, especially with the guy contacting you directly that’s so awkward. I find it hard to believe that neither of the couple have a family member or close friend in their lives that they could ask, instead of you a 19 year old teenager.
Don’t let them move in. I can tell you right now, it will be a nightmare to get rid of them once they are there. They need to get in touch with social services. Maybe they will have to end up in a homeless shelter, but they are adults with a baby. They need to get their shit together. This may seem cold, but I was homeless and had a baby when I was super young and I met SO many other pregnant girls and couples who would latch on to whatever living situation they could. When I got back on my feet and got a joband my own place, I had a couple of them ask if they could stay with me even though we never really talked. None of them had jobs, on and off again with baby daddies… it is a mess. For your sake, please don’t let them move in.
Dude I’m telling you right now I grew up in poverty and saw it over and over people thinking they were helping each other out when all they were doing was keeping each other down. This is exactly the type of situation I’d see my friends getting into and it was never good in the end.
You have to say NO here. Your house is not a good environment for a baby, and it also doesn’t sound super stable. Your place is not a good option for them. You letting them stay there is, at best, delaying the problem and maybe even making it worse if the housing situation changes. Your friend needs social services. Housing assistance. People who can connect him with real resources to turn things around. Not a 19 year old buddy with a spare room in a house that’s not even his.
You also have to say no for your own sake. You let these people live there, you won’t be able to just kick them out. You’re nineteen years old. If you have to just beg your grandma or whoever owns the property to play along and say that they won’t allow them to stay there. You might lose a friend or two but you have to get your shit together and constantly helping others instead of helping yourself is going to hold you AND them back.
You should also not be loaning out your car at the expense of your own potential income.
ESH you are being an asshole to yourself bro