My (41F) roommates (28M) mom died a few months ago, quite unexpectedly. I did my best to try and help him through it and relaxed my expectations for a little bit while he was grieving, but there have been a lot of things adding up that have made me feel like my boundaries and privacy have been violated. I’ve been in the process of writing myself up a list of things I want to address when his guest leaves, when he hits me with a bunch of text messages about how he’s picked up the tension, "sorry if I’ve made you uncomfortable. I miss my mom and you give off ‘mom vibes’ so I’ve been leaning on that."
I am a child-free, husband free woman. I don’t want to take care of anyone else. Plus, some of the issues are beyond what should be happening. I’ve known this guy for only 2 years.
The issues in questions:
1: he’s got a fart fetish and spend 3 to 4 months heart-reacting and un-heart-reacting a text message I sent about how I don’t want to bake anymore because the wheat makes me bloated and gassy. I know through a mutual that he’s made creepy comments to HER about bodily functions as well. She provided me with proof.
2: I don’t want to share dish duty anymore because he has 3-5 different women over per week, while I have zero guests because I don’t like people, and I don’t want to be cleaning up after anyone else.
3: I don’t want to share groceries anymore because he’ll use things and not replace them, also uses the last of something when I’m saving it. He’s eaten my leftovers that I was saving and had to spend another half hour on my feet making myself a meal after a 9 hour shift.
4: he’ll go out to eat or to buy records and then begs me for weed because he’s out. I don’t want to give handouts anymore because I’ve given him at least an ounce of weed per year that I’ve not gotten back.
5: The couch is directly outside of my bedroom door and he’ll sit there and cough and laugh and talk with zero volume control of his voice and I’ve been getting woken up, EVEN WITH EAR PLUGS IN, at all hours of the night. Last week he woke me up at 3am and I couldn’t get back to sleep. He doesn’t even care when it’s a day I have to be up at 7am, he’ll have people over partying up until 2am. I have addressed this many times and all he does is say he’s sorry but never changes his behaviour.
6: He has gone into my bedroom when I have left the house with the bedroom door closed. I used to leave it open when I had a cat, but the cat has passed on and I’ve been choosing to keep my door closed for more privacy so I can be a little more relaxed in my bedroom and can leave stuff out if I choose. He was only dropping off packages on my bed, but I really felt like my privacy was violated.
WIBTA for asking for more privacy and emotional distance just before Christmas while he’s still reeling from a huge loss? I haven’t lost any parents yet so I have no idea how much he’s actually hurting.
1: he’s got a fart fetish and spend 3 to 4 months heart-reacting and un-heart-reacting a text message I sent about how I don’t want to bake anymore because the wheat makes me bloated and gassy. I know through a mutual that he’s made creepy comments to HER about bodily functions as well. She provided me with proof. – This is just odd and gross, How do you truly plan to address it….
2: I don’t want to share dish duty anymore because he has 3-5 different women over per week, while I have zero guests because I don’t like people, and I don’t want to be cleaning up after anyone else. – He should already be doing his own dishes, especially when guests are over. Yes it’s nice to help each other when there is no extras
3: I don’t want to share groceries anymore because he’ll use things and not replace them, also uses the last of something when I’m saving it. He’s eaten my leftovers that I was saving and had to spend another half hour on my feet making myself a meal after a 9 hour shift. – this should have never been allowed.
4: he’ll go out to eat or to buy records and then begs me for weed because he’s out. I don’t want to give handouts anymore because I’ve given him at least an ounce of weed per year that I’ve not gotten back. – Did you ever tell him to repay you? either way… just stop giving it out
5: The couch is directly outside of my bedroom door and he’ll sit there and cough and laugh and talk with zero volume control of his voice and I’ve been getting woken up, EVEN WITH EAR PLUGS IN, at all hours of the night. Last week he woke me up at 3am and I couldn’t get back to sleep. He doesn’t even care when it’s a day I have to be up at 7am, he’ll have people over partying up until 2am. I have addressed this many times and all he does is say he’s sorry but never changes his behaviour. – Address this, quiet hours even exist in apartment buildings..
6: He has gone into my bedroom when I have left the house with the bedroom door closed. I used to leave it open when I had a cat, but the cat has passed on and I’ve been choosing to keep my door closed for more privacy so I can be a little more relaxed in my bedroom and can leave stuff out if I choose. He was only dropping off packages on my bed, but I really felt like my privacy was violated. – GET A LOCK!!
Do you own the home or are you both renters??
NTA – none of that has to do with needing comfort grieving his mom’s death….
NTA. Grief doesn’t excuse creepy or disrespectful behavior. His loss isn’t your responsibility.
NTA 100% But I think the best solution here is to stop being roommates with him ASAP. I don’t know what your legal living situation is, but based on this post I don’t see why you would want to continue being roommates? Like if it’s a money thing surely there are other people who could live with you that aren’t a creep.
Nta but get the heck away from that creep. He definitely wasnt just dropping package off in your room, especially with that fetish where he likes thinking about YOU farting… you need to pack up and go as fast as you can. He is not a roommate you want
Seems like a mismatch overall. I don’t think you are the asshole for wanting to implement boundaries, that should be standard amongst roommates. However, it just seems like the two have conflicting lifestyles that don’t coincide.
I’m sorry, what?
This man I a walking red flag NTA
and get a lock on your door ASAP. His behaviour is predatory.
This is only the half of it that personally affects me. There are so many other red flags with this guy. It makes me feel like I ought to be warning the women he tries to date. But that’s like… At least a dozen in the past year. But that’s a completely different AITA post.
ESH. Him for obvious reasons, but you’re an asshole to yourself for still having this guy as a roommate. Why would a 40-something woman, a self described introvert who doesn’t want children or a husband, want a weird 20-something guy as a roommate? I’d find a new roommate or better, your own place.
Lots of things can be excused as grief but not most of your list of complaints. Fart fetish alone would make it hard for me to live with him. The last complaint about packages is easy to resolve i think. I think that is simple communication. Maybe try to work in one or two complaints everything free weeks. Start with two bigs and the package situation. I would start with the food and dishes personally. Then mentioning the others in two weeks if you can wait that long. Don’t lend your weed for now on and just in case move it and lock it up. Gradually add on in two weeks what you think he can handle. If you dump all your demands at once he will likely give up and not try. Good luck!
YWBTA if you don’t kick his ass out yesterday. He is leech, not a roommate.
I mean, NTA, but I’m wondering why anyone would have put up with all of this for as long as OP has. Like, that kind of disrespect / or weirdness / or deadbeat behavior is reason to re-establish boundaries, let alone kick them out, which is really what you ought to do.
NTA, but honestly, you’re going to be better off extracting from this situation than trying to fundamentally change how he behaves. This seems to have less to do with grief and more to do with who he is as a person.
Re-establish boundaries to the best of your abilities, but also make plans to get out of this roommate situation ASAP.
Honestly you just sound like you need to live alone