I (25M) have a younger brother (22M), who I’ll call Eli (fake name). I’m currently doing my master’s degree and working part time while he already has a full time job. In our family, we’ve always made an effort to make everyone feel appreciated on Christmas and birthdays by giving personal gifts. Nobody ever expected much, and depending on budget and time, we would sometimes give smaller gifts, gift cards, or bigger ones which everyone would contribute to.
Eli used to partake and give everyone smaller gifts even before he made his own money, and I would always spend a substantial amount of time and/or money on his gifts as well. I moved out last year and we’ve still been visiting each other regularly, but I have not gotten any gifts from him since.
Last year, he promised to give me something for my birthday (to which I said, “no need”), but he said he has something really nice for me already, seeing as I also got my first own apartment around that time. I never received that gift, even though he hyped it up many times. His birthday was soon after mine, and I got him something he was really excited about – at least he says he was. For Christmas, I again got nothing, while he got more stuff he had explicitly mentioned wanting to get.
My birthday was a few weeks after Christmas – again, nothing, and he only congratulated me two days later.
Now, I don’t really expect much, and I wouldn’t really be that annoyed if it weren’t for the fact that he hypes up all the imaginary gifts he will get me some time in the future. He also makes a lot more money than me, has a “very chill” job (his own words), and spends tons of money on himself (good for him) and then complains about not having any left. He still gives our parents gifts, but I think he only does because they live in the same household and they probably talk to each other about their plans.
I love my brother, but it’s getting on my nerves that he makes so many empty promises. I honestly think he just can’t be assed to make an effort for other people (he only partakes when it’s convenient, e. g. giving one parent something the other has already picked out for them), but I don’t want to contribute to this pattern anymore by rewarding him with gifts.
WIBTA if I just stopped giving him gifts?
TL;DR: Brother promises me gifts for Christmas and birthdays and never delivers despite having enough money and time. I am thinking about following in his footsteps – no more gifts for him from me.
NTA. Yes, stop giving him anything. He’s a taker and you can have better people in your life that that,
YWNBTA. What’s going on now is obviously one-sided. Time to stop.
Stop giving him gifts. He is taking you for granted
NTA. I wouldn’t make it out as a “He didn’t get me anything, so why should I get him something?” My siblings and I always draw names for Christmas. I told them three years ago to count me out and do it between themselves. I will throw in cash for birthday gifts, but it’s not much. They all understand. If your brother doesn’t, that’s on him.
NTA, and if you wanted to be petty you could hype up and promise to give him really great stuff and then don’t.
YWNBTA, but I think it’s better to talk about it than stop buying gifts since it seems like a bigger issue around your perception of a pattern of empty promises on his part. This may be more for r/relationships
NTA. I can’t recall how it happened, but one of the best things that happened between me and my siblings is the unspoken agreement that we don’t need to buy gifts for each other for any occasion. It greatly reduces the stress of figuring out what to buy them for birthdays and Christmas, while also no longer having uncertainty about whether or not I would be receiving anything. Embrace this change!
NTA – You can tell him you’re giving him something similar in value to what you actually received from him for your birthday/holiday.
Received is the key word there.
Honestly let him know that you’d prefer he just not mention anything rather than hype it up and not deliver. Nothing is nothing but expectations are crushing.
NTA, you’re just reciprocating his level of effort.
I would leave it alone and not say anything. And then for his birthday or Christmas, whichever one comes first I would do exactly what he has done to you. I would hype the gift up and then show up empty-handed. Or not even show up. Just shoot him a HBD text. Or if it’s Christmas make sure you get gifts for everyone else md that he knows it.
If he says anything just say you’re on a fixed income and didn’t think he’d mind. Especially with him not being on a fixed income and neglecting to het you anything for the last couple years when you stretched your budget to get him gifts…
But I’m petty.
NTA. Just wish him a happy birthday and move on. Don’t mention anything about gifts. If he brings it up, just say “Oh, I thought we weren’t doing that any more”. If he persists say “After the last couple of years, I was afraid you didn’t have the money to spend on gifts so I wanted to take the burden off you feeling the need to reciprocate”.
I like this.
I quietly stopped sending my sister gifts for her kids when not only did she not send gifts for mine but she didn’t even acknowledge they got my gifts for them (and I know for sure they arrived). No need to call attention to it though.
NTA but you really should be an adult and talk to him about it. Tell him how your feelings have been hurt when he hyped up getting cool gifts for you only to not follow through, and how you always get him something and he never reciprocates. Say that you make less money than him yet you manage to get gifts for the family so why can’t he? Does he need help with budgeting? Idk why ppl are so terrified to talk to their own family members and significant others anymore. We need to communicate with each other openly and honestly if we are going to continue to be a civilised and progressive and empathetic society. Bc asking Reddit for every little inconvenience is not the way..not you OP, just in general.
NTA. Match his energy. Empty promises are worse than nothing. Set this boundary without guilt.