Hey guys! Boyfriend and I are genuinely torn on this, Im going to say my side and try to be fair and tell his side of the story as well.
Once a week for an hour, I have to take work assigned EMDR therapy. Its for PTSD, but to be fair I dont completely believe in it. Still, once a week I have to sit there with my eyes closed, tapping myself and the therapist basically brings up the "traumatizing incident and I have to tell her how I feel etc. Its not pleasant, its kind of embarrassing and I really dont want my boyfriend to overhear any of it. Boyfriend works from home and has a completely flexible schedule, so he’s usually ok with leaving for that hour- he goes to a coffee shop, what have you. Last night however, he told me he feels that its unfair that he has to leave the place because he had work to do. Most of the time he can work from anywhere, but this bit of work needed to be done on his home computer. I tried to explain how difficult it would be for me to focus, how uncomfortable I’d be and that I just couldnt focus on it.
The boyfriend did offer to put headphones on, and go into another room. But in the back of my mind I would be constantly wondering if he can hear anything, maybe hes walking around etc.
Normally he leaves without a problem, but he brought up that he thinks its unfair that he has to leave every week. I explained that if he doesnt, I might as well cancel the session, because I cant get into it. He’s fine to leave but if he feels like he has work to do- he doesnt think its fair. I believe that since his schedule is 100% flexible and all I ask for is 1 hour a week, that if its really important to me, Id appreciate it if he left. He thinks hes being accommodating by leaving most of the time, but he says im not being accommodating by asking him to leave every time. Again, this one hour a week is all I ask.
Please let us know your thoughts!
EDIT – I do not have a car, cant go to a library etc cause it has to be done with no people around. We have decided that I would reach out to the therapist and ask if its possible to do it at a time thats preferrable to my boyfriend. Thanks for the responses!
NTA. EDMR therapy is very intense and you need a completely safe space especially because you have PTSD. Him leaving for 1 hour a week to support your mental health should not be a big deal. EDMR is not a permanent therapy anyways so it’s not like this is going to continue for your whole life.
I would agree except she said he always leaves and asked not to this once because he needs to work.
YTA- If he is mostly accommodating you then it’s reasonable for you to OCCASIONALLY work around him
Oof, yeah, I mean, this is tricky. I think I land on YTA, gently.
I completely see where you’re coming from that it’s not optimal to have another person in the house when you’re doing that…but the reality is, you don’t live alone. It sounds like your bf has left without a problem every other time, but when he found that leaving disrupted the work he needed to do, he let you know in a polite and reasonable manner. He’s also offering to put on headphones and be invisible to you by going into another room, whereas the only option you’re willing to entertain is him leaving the place entirely, every time. Your remark that if he doesn’t leave then you’ll need to just cancel isn’t fair; cancel if you want, that’s your prerogative, but it’s *your* choice and not your bf’s responsibility.
When you don’t live alone, there may be times when you’re not able to 100% guarantee you have the house to yourself because the other people who pay to live there….also get to be there. I’m sorry.
YTA
Look, I get it, you want privacy. It’s his home too though and you can’t just kick him out when he is also trying to work. Especially since it sounds like he normally works with you and agrees to leave and it sounds like he’s just asking to stay occasionally. Saying you’ll skip therapy if he doesn’t leave comes off like you’re trying to guilt him into doing what you want as well.
I think a sound barrier and trust is your best option. You have to believe that he will try not to listen. Play ambient music outside the door, turn a loud fan on outside the door, and try to stay as far away as sound spreads. You can even test it by playing something on your phone and seeing how well it can be heard. Honestly though if he’s saying he’ll wear headphones you should try to trust him. My husband does his therapy in the house. I turn the tv on loud and turn it up if I think I can even slightly hear, that’s my partner and if he wants privacy he can trust me to provide it.
If none of those work maybe take a walk or sit in your car if it’s an option. You can’t insist he leave every single time though, even when he needs to work.
>I believe that since his schedule is 100% flexible
Except you just said
>Most of the time he can work from anywhere, but this bit of work needed to be done on his home computer
So his work isn’t 100% flexible. Sometimes he needs to be home to get stuff done.
He’s not asking to listen in on your sessions. He’s not even asking to be home for all of them. He’s just asking you to understand that he can’t always leave so you can have the place to yourself.
YTA. He said he will wear headphones. You can get a white noise machine and put it on the door (this is what my therapists always did – it blocks anyone outside from hearing what is said).
>Again, this one hour a week is all I ask.
And most of the time, he gives you that hour. But sometimes that hour just doesn’t line up, and when that happens he shouldn’t have to have his work suffer or scramble to find some alternative way to get his work done because you want the whole place to yourself. There are other accommodations you could make, you’re just shooting them down because they’re not what *you* prefer.
I don’t think that makes OP an AH. I think they’re in a tough situation. Think about PTSD, hyper aware, paranoid, something traumatising. Having someone who could overhear it is enough to render the session useless. But BF is also making a valid point. I went with no ah here, just a communication issue.
NAH
I was ready to say bf TA.
Congrats you’re in therapy and you can have this discussion with your therapist not a bunch of us weirdos on reddit. The truth of the matter is your BF is right. Sometimes he is required to work from and cannot be flexible. Flexible schedules do not mean “I work when I want” it literally just means they’re just able to shift things around a lot.
You are also right. You don’t want him there. He’s a distracting presence. You’re afraid he’ll hear. These two truths conflict. So something has to give. Your bf is already willing to accommodate your appt, but have you worked on your fear and anxiety of social embarrassment or being perceived? Is that something you can discuss with your therapist and work towards? Spoiler alert: you can and I know because I’m literally in therapy for similar fears.
Talk to your therapist. You only get what you put in to therapy. Who cares if you believe in it? But you won’t get anything out of it unless you put something in.
As a former therapist I would always expect clients to have complete privacy.
YTA: You need to stop saying his schedule is 100% flexible.
He has been completely supportive and willing to accomodate your needs up until now, however, he is making it clear to you that there are some occasions when he can’t work elsewhere and needs to be in front of his home computer, at that time.
You are not listening to him and continuing to insist that his schedule is totally flexible when it isn’t.
He has offered you reasonable compromises. I think you are being inflexible.
Why are you saying his schedule is “completely flexible” when that isn’t what you’re describing?
YTA.
You haven’t offered any compromises or alternative solutions whatsoever.
Your question is not about whether or not you deserve privacy. He has agreed to that principle already.
The question is whether it can be compromised when he is put into a difficult and extenuating circumstance.
You said no. And didn’t seem to offer any type of discussion, alternative solution, or apology. Can it not be rescheduled to a day when his work can be done at the coffee shop?
You didn’t put in any effort. That’s what he is seeing and trying to discuss. He thinks you are selfish.
I think he should be allowed to put headphones on and work like that.
Otherwise do therapy in person
I used to do therapy at home when I was recovering from back surgery and I was trying to do EMDR at home as well. At the time my husband also worked from home. One thing that worked well for us is we got a white noise machine. I would plug it in right outside our bedroom door and turn it up pretty loud and that way he couldn’t hear anything that was being said.