My husband and I (32f, 34m) lent my mother in law some money late last year so she could go with him on a family trip. Long story short, it was emotionally and practically important that both of them to go. I am going to be 36 weeks pregnant at the time of travel and won’t be able to go and support him.
We didn’t initially agree to a specific date or terms (lesson learned!), but earlier this year we settled on end of February for repayment. Her husband is the one repaying us, technically.
Meanwhile, she has gone out of town multiple times and all but stopped working. She is only in her 50s and is of sound mind and body. Most of these trips were staying with family and her husband covered airfare.
She was out of town again last week when she broke her foot in multiple places. This means that she likely won’t be able to go on the trip due to treatment. We haven’t mentioned the loan yet, but I’m assuming this unexpected medical bill could prevent repayment as planned.
I shared with my husband that I am frustrated that she was running around when she owed us money in the first place. If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have been hurt, and this wouldnt be an issue. I’m also frustrated that, along the lines of my thinking she shouldn’t have been there, she won’t be able to provide the practical and emotional support to my husband on the trip.
He says I have no right to dictate what someone does, even when they owe money, unless it interferes with payment, and that we will get paid eventually.
Shame on me for not communicating my expectations clearly or having a deeper conversation about what it looks like before agreeing to it, lesson learned. But AITA for being frustrated with how she was acting while she owed us money?
EDIT: I should’ve worded it as, "AITA for being frustrated with how she was acting while she owed us money, /and/ that a result of those actions will likely now impact repayment?"
I know people can get injured anywhere, but the facts are that she wasn’t hurt just anywhere, but on vacation.
I noticed how she was acting and didn’t say anything, because technically she was still adhering to our agreement, even though I didn’t think her behavior was appropriate. The issue for me is that repayment is up in the air and I view it as (an indirect) result of said behavior.
To make sure I’ve got this straight – the money was loaned at the end of last year, it’s supposed to be repaid by the end of this month, and the trip that it was intended to be used for is happening at some point after the end of this month? And now she can’t go on the trip?
I understand why you’re anxious about this, but it seems like you’re getting stressed out because you assume she’s going to let you down, and that hasn’t actually happened yet. You know her better than we do, maybe that’s a very safe bet, but being braced for that kind of thing is very draining. Spending any more time focused on what she’s doing with her money and time, before the loan is even due, is not going to change the outcome. Could you just talk to her about it? We’re close enough to the end of the month that presumably she knows whether or not she’ll be able to pay you back on time. Maybe she got a partial refund. Maybe she never spent the money in the first place. Maybe she never plans to pay you back at all. Regardless, you’ll have more information sooner and be better able to figure out next steps. NAH yet.
Yes, my bad. The trip is in April.
You’re right, I do feel so drained, and talking to her about it is the best way to go.
I was very taken aback by my husband’s attitude (he seemed upset) when he told me that I basically shouldn’t expect someone to not go on vacation because they owe money. Idk if it’s because it is his mom or if he feels like that in general. I told him that my learned beliefs about lending/being lent money were that you shouldn’t do those things, but that I should have expressed those expectations before all of this anyway.
I think it’s an understandable expectation, but not one that everybody will automatically hold. This may be a case where you have the expectation that a loan to family should be paid back as soon as possible, and she has the expectation that as long as the money is back in your hands on the agreed-upon date, what she does with it before then is her business alone – like a loan from a bank. One perspective treats it more like a favor and one perspective treats it more like a transaction. Neither is necessarily wrong, but they’re not compatible.
That makes so much sense when you word it like that. Pregnancy brain has reduced my communication to ashes, and I know that’s affecting this issue as well.
Your reasoning puts you in the YTA category. The idea that “if she hadn’t been running around, she wouldn’t have been hurt” is simply nonsense. Random things can happen at any time in any location. Her “running around” has zero causal relationship to her injury. Coincidental, but not causal.
Lending family members money often leads to disagreements and bad feelings. You might be justified in feeling put out by the lack of repayment, but attributing it to the travel is grasping at straws and is not going help your relationship with your husband.
Here’s a important message for lending money to relatives Don’t expect repayment
NTA –
1) Don’t lend money you can’t afford to not have paid back. (not saying you couldn’t afford to not be paid back, but, a good rule to keep in mind.)
2) If it’s as important as you lead on for his mom to go with him on this trip, I think it would be best to consider the trip a gift rather than a loan, but that’s just me.
3) Yes, it can be frustrating when you see people you’re expecting to pay you back for a loan out doing things and not paying you back. But, your husband is right, you don’t get to dictate what someone else does, honestly, even if it interferes with paying you back.
4) If you all agreed that she is going to pay you back, then she is also an asshole if she’s truly blowing money everywhere else but to pay you back.
I think a point that saves you a bit overall is that, at least, you discussed your frustrations with your husband rather than blowing up at the mother-in-law, as some people would have. It’s valid to feel frustrated, but it’s what you do with that frustration that matters. Assuming that the extent of what happened is laid out in the post as described, and nothing has been left out, you wouldn’t be an asshole for being simply frustrated and venting to your husband about it.
Not sure if your point about her paying it back is about the principle of it all or what. Personally, I’d just consider the money gone and forgive and forget. I do recognize that this concept comes from a place of privilege, though, and that there is a potential that loaning this money may have created hardship for you and your husband. But it may be easier for everyone involved to let it go and not lend them money in the future.
I guess my point is, I am frustrated that all this money was spent elsewhere, and then right before the repayment date she gets hurt (on vacation, no less).
The only other thing I did was express my anxiety/concerns about it to my small group at church, which is a whole different story. But nothing to his mom or anything.
Im with OP on this. If your husband wanted to gift this trip to his mother, he should have communicated that. It was a loan with a repayment date. You are a team when it comes to finances, so if “eventually” was the actual plan, that should have been clear! You dont get to “dictate” sure, fine, but it is perfectly reasonable to be frustrated. Your husband should at least be understanding of your concerns.
Edit to add: It seems like it did effect repayment! As “eventually” is now a thing instead of a set date
Another edit: OP is about to have a baby. You dont need this kind of stress. Lesson learned, no more money for mom, as it seems she’s willing to prioritize her vacations over paying you back what she owes.
Yes YTA for your actual question. You do not get to dictate what she does just because she owes you money.
Lending people money is a tricky thing. As you found out, life is unpredictable and now what you lent her money for isn’t even what she is likely to use it for. But you still don’t get to dictate how it’s spent. Only if it isn’t paid back in a timely manner will you get any say in future loans.
I guess I should’ve worded my question as, “aita for being frustrated with all of this in light of the fact that it will likely impact repayment?”
Like, I did notice how she was spending her time and money and didnt say anything, just filed it away for future reference as something I wouldn’t do again without expressing expectations. It is only an issue now because, like I said, I don’t think the behavior was appropriate /and/ it impacts repayment.
Soft YTA. It’s understandable that you’re frustrated, but she hasn’t actually not paid you back yet. Nor has she delayed the time you eventually decided on that was her “deadline.”
Loaning money doesn’t mean you get to dictate what someone else can or can’t do. Maybe instead of catastrophizing you should simply talk to her about your concerns on the repayment. YTA.
Im honestly shocked by all the YTAs on here.
I would be mortified if I took money from my son and his pregnant wife then instead of returning said money as soon as I could, booked vacations instead. If her husband was willing to pay her airfare elsewhere, OP and her husband should have been first on the list.