Hi all, this is my first time writing on something like this and I’m aware that I may have handled part of this poorly. I’m looking for advice on how to move forward.
I (28f) recently called my friend Maggie (28f), "male-centered" during a conversation about her dating life. I could immediately tell is upset her. I tried to explain that this is something she has often said about herself in the past, and that earlier in our friendship she used similar language toward me. Still, I quickly apologized and asked whether she needed space, which im currently giving her.
That being said, I am struggling with how this situation fits into a broader pattern in our friendship. Lately, it feels like maggie is very comfortable giving harsh or personal feedback but reacts strongly when any is directed back at her. For example, not long ago she bluntly told me that she thinks I wouldn’t handle stressful work environments well. We’ve never worked together, and this comment felt just like a way to hurt me, especially since my career goals are intentionally centered on high-stress settings. I work in the humanitarian field and am trained in crisis management, so the comment felt dismissive of something I deeply care about and like she was trying to discourage me from a job I recently got. I didn’t push back at the time, but it did hurt.
Maggie also frequently frames her self-esteem and appearance around men, openly saying that much of what she does is for male approval. This comes up often in our conversations. I think part of why I reacted the way I did is that I’ve grown tired of hearing this dynamic discussed at length, only to be shut down when I use the same language back at herself.
I fully understand that I crossed a line and that intent does not erase impact. At the same time, I’m feeling confused about why I’m expected to just take her critiques without reaction, while she isn’t willing to take critiques in return.
I care about Maggie and don’t want to lose her but I also don’t think I can continue in a dynamic like this. I’d really appreciate any advice on how to navigate this.
NTA. I think if you’re being honest and saying something to her that you’ve genuinely observed, then you aren’t being an AH. Of course, delivery matters. If you snapped it at her that isn’t very nice. But even so, it probably is frustrating that she can dish it out but can’t take it. Word of advice: usually people like this are so intense because they are internally judgmental. That’s probably why she cracks so much, she’s insecure. It’s not a dig at her, just a thought.
It’s easier to avoid conflict by asking pointed questions that seem curious to have the person try to look at their situation with a different perspective. Did she ask for advice or was she just venting? It is ok if you do not want to listen to her venting about a reoccurring self inflicted problem and you can say that delicately. NAH.
NTA
Sounds like Maggie has conditioned you to be subordinate to her.
Some people will drain you of your “Energy” every chance they get. Setting personal boundaries and not letting negative energy in your life is perfectly logical behavior. She has a boundary issue that I personally would not let in my life. “Friends” come and go, but boundaries should be respected,permanently placed,tools that help you decide who you share your energy with. JMO.
NTA. Maybe Maggie would benefit from you pointing out that she dishes it but can’t take it, with a couple of examples. It would make her mad, but she needs to hear it. If that makes her distant and angry, it sounds like that would be a load off for you.
I actually have pointed this out to her before. Once she called my style basic and I reminded her that we basically wear the same style, she got upset and then I pointed out that she seems to not be able to take the insults she dishes out. She got angry and hung up on me but our friendship went back to normal about a week later.
NTA
It really seems like she has self-esteem issues. When you said she frequently frames her self-esteem and appearance around men that tells me her self-esteem is very low and she is insecure. When someone is like this, it leads to outbursts especially when given feedback. While I don’t know what tone you used or if you snapped, she shouldn’t be saying mean or rude things to you. Especially since you got training for that particular job. She needs to work on herself so that way she can be in a healthier mindset.
NTA but I think you should have a larger conversation once you’re speaking again regarding you both are able to offer your options or you have completely nonjudgemental conversation from here on out. There will ne no more one sided judging
NTA – but I am wondering what part of your friendship with Maggie is positive for you in any way?
She is generally quite supportive, and we have been through a lot together. But things clearly have shifted a bit as our lives have become quite dissimilar.
Then I think it is time to have an honest, calm conversation with your friend and see where it goes from there – best of luck to you!
i had a very similar situation with a friend recently. my friend took it better than yours, she listened to the reasons that i gave her and took it upon to think more about it. the conversation ended up being very introspective for both us, just analyzing the way we both (and woman in general) deal with male centered specially in relationships. the reason why i told her this was also bc she spend a really long time talking about her love life (about one specirfic guy) but didn’t give me space to share my own stories and because when i asked her about something else about her the conversation went back to the boy – she admitted that she took too much time talking and apologized.
your friend didnt do any of those things and its possible that is not her time to be introspective and take action which is fine. i don’t think you were an asshole nor harsh, but for her it may be difficult to hear it like that. there’s also a differnce between you telling her something that you have seen (male centered) and her calling you unable to handle work stress bc is not something that she has seen; so the assumption feels a bit more insulting.
if you appreaciate the friendship and wish to conserve it, i would reach out. i wouldnt apologise in a “sorry i called you this” way but i would tell her smth along the lines that even if she is like this, one way that she can improve is to engage more in the conversation (linking with you and asking you more stuff) and not just rant about her love life which, while fun sometimes, it cant be the center of every single interaction bc it gets tiresome. how she reacts to this will tell you everything you know and i would consider not being as close if she reacts badly again.
NTA imo
NTA but when friendships start to feel like work, they might not be worth having