I just got married this past summer and my wife and her siblings usually pool together to buy gifts for their parents for birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, etc. My wife and I are on a very tight budget as we are very young and just finishing school (wife 23, me 25). We budgeted 80 dollars per month on gifts as that is my wife’s love languages. This November before Christmas the text came in from brother in law Ray, 26M and sister in law Katie, 28F. They were looking to go in on a group gift. After talking to my wife I texted the chat that we were in but our budget was $75 dollars from my wife and I for this gift. This was our whole budget, but my wife always tells me her love language is giving gifts so I agreed to do the whole budget on her parents as we were going on a Christmas trip.
Nobody answered my text and then Christmas rolls around and out comes this gift which is within the budget and then on top of that a $250 gift card. I thought surely this wasn’t within budget but didn’t think much of it. Didn’t hear back about paying for this until Ray mentioned it to wife that we owe $180 for our part of the gift.
Now we paid this amount and I sent another message into the group chat saying we were paying but it was not right that we were not notified it was going to be more than double and that we thought it wasn’t fair to blow through our boundary/budget of 80. Then Ray and Katie start messaging my wife on how insane it was that I was texting this and that I was ungrateful for how generous their parents were to us.
Their parents are very wealthy and generous They usually give out $500 gifts at Christmas/Birthdays per child but my issue is they blatantly went over without communicating. It isn’t the end of the world but I just want to respected enough to be communicated with and replied to so we can choose if we want to be a part of it.
Katie then finally responds with a message which was kindly worded but essentially dismissed my concern and implied we aren’t grateful for their parents generosity.
I then send a message back saying it has nothing to do with the generosity of the parents and everything to do with the financial constraints we are in and that if Katie , or Ray have any issues with me they could call or message me directly not complain about me behind my back to my wife.
There has been no response to the message and I just saw Ray and a family event and he was acting super standoffish and wouldn’t look me in the eye.
I want to bring it up and get it settled but my wife just wants to sweep it under the rug and forget about it.
AITA?
wait so did your wife know about the extra money they expected from you two?
NTA. It sounds like they miscommunicated, then tried to force you and your wife to fix their mistake.
When we initially messaged about the budget her sister messaged my wife asking if we could be more flexible to her privately. My wife said we would possibly be more flexible. My wife told me about this after and said she would help pick the gift and make sure it’s within the budget. We both didn’t know it was going to be more than double what we in initially said and if it was 5 or 10 dollars more that’s no big deal but over double seems extreme
That should have been in the post. Your wife knew the whole time and she ignoring your set budget meant that everyone could ignore you, and they continue to do so.
And they are OP’s wife’s family. It’s normal behavior for them to reach out to her directly on things. He’s not a gatekeeper just because he’s the husband. The wife knew and that’s why his behavior is over the top. YTA.
You and your wife need to get on the same page and stick with whatever is decided between you.
You’re on a limited budget and that needs to be respected by *everyone.* Don’t go broke or screw yourselves over financially gifting things you can’t afford. Your wife needs to understand and accept that “love language” or not and she needs to be taking the lead on putting her family in check.
Don’t sweep this under the rug. You can’t afford to, literally. Until you’re more stable financially don’t go in on group gifts if your budget isn’t respected
There is no such thing as a love language and I’m going to shout it from the rooftops. A guy coined a phrase and wrote a book to make money. And he made a bundle. One of his actual love languages is receiving gifts. Everyone loves receiving gifts, but because of this book some people demand gifts because the book says they deserve them.
Your wife’s “love language” should be honoring her husband. And that means discussing finances, staying in a budget and standing up to her relatives. It’s a good thing to enjoy seeing people enjoying a gift, but it is not an identity that MUST be expressed to the detriment to one’s personal comfort. If she wants to give something, bake a cake, knit a sweater, but don’t spend money you don’t have.
And if there is, his wife needs to start being bilingual
NTA for calling them out but it would have been better for your wife to do it. If it’s your wife’s family, she should be the one having the harder conversations and setting boundaries and enforcing them.
The thing is when dealing with family like this, your wife needs to smooth things over. By contradicting or speaking in her place, you look controlling. If you’re controlling, they are going to either dismiss you or all turn against you. You’re the trouble maker, loud mouth.
You need to discuss with your wife where this money is coming from in the budget. And discuss options on dealing with her family that doesn’t leave the two of you holding the unexpected bill for expenses. She needs to stick up for her marriage and budget. Because currently her quiet/non response, she’s indicated to them that she doesn’t respect your budget, it’s not important enough to weigh in on, or she’s said something privately, or needed time to come up with something to say to calm everyone and you didn’t give her that time.
As for the family, you need to acknowledge that her family is generous. However you two are not financially stable enough for these unexpected expenses. And sometimes giving and showing your appreciation needs to be done in ways that don’t require more money.
And if there is a problem with a in-law, it’s best to go direct to your sibling. They are the one that will have to deal with their spouse. They can speak to a reason why they may have said something. Vs continuing to talk in a group platform that will only serve to cause more drama and see tempers flair.
Nah. Unless you don’t sort this out with your wife and get direction. If you’ve got her blessing, fine. If you want to keep nattering at your in-laws you’re not going to find yourself on the right end of popular.
NTA. You have a set budget and sticking in that is important. It’s settled for now. Either don’t go in with them again or buy the gift and have them pay you back. Best wishes.
NTA and maybe it’s something to pull the father in law aside for advice. Obviously after the holidays, but just a quick, ‘Hey, do you mind if I talk to you in private for some financial advice?’ Then when you’ve got him alone, ‘So.. Your daughter and I have been setting a budget since she adores gifts more than anything. However, as you likely know, we tend to keep that budget low around $80. Unfortunately I’m finding myself having issues communicating with sis and bro-inlaw because they wanted to do a shared gift for you guys but then completely blindsided us after agreeing to our budget.. That we apparently owed them then 3× the budget we’d agreed to after the fact. Now, we paid but I also told them off for crossing the boundary we set.. And now we’re having some issues. What is your advice on how to explain our situation and the issues with breaking that boundary so thoroughly that they can’t help but finally understand why we were reasonably upset? I get they may not have the financial constraints we do, but it seems to me like they haven’t learned how to communicate properly or understand others views on things.’
Something along those lines, in your own words of course. Just lay it out point blank, show him the texts and ask for advice. He’d know his kids better than anyone.
NTA. If this post and your most recent one are real…why is this family so weird about money?
I don’t understand this concept of love language. You guys are on a tight budget and your wife wants to keep giving gifts. Why can’t you give something hand made or anything thoughtful which doesn’t stretch you so much?