I (19F) have an online friend (19M) I’ve known since 2022. He usually vents to me about his problems, which he usually blames on past trauma and Discord. The same issues keep repeating: getting hurt over girls online, getting bullied, posting stories about chats or conflicts, and then coming back to vent again. This cycle has been going on for years. The thing is I feel like he has been too attached to the online world.
I’ve listened, comforted him, and suggested solutions like taking a break from Discord, reducing online involvement, or making friends IRL. He agrees in the moment but never follows through. He stays on the same platform, repeats the same behaviors, and ends up hurt again. He’s also told me that other people have blocked him because of constant ranting.
At this point, I feel frustrated and emotionally drained because instead of working toward solutions, he keeps blaming his past and the same online platform for ruining his mental health while continuing the same cycle. Venting feels more like his coping mechanism than actually trying to improve. I do empathize with him and understand trauma is real, but after 3.5 years with no real change, I’m starting to feel resentful.
AITA for feeling this way and wanting him to stop venting to people if he isn’t willing to work on improving his situation?
you need to cut ties with him and block tbh. men like this are parasites.
NTA. he needs to want to change himself. “he agrees in the moment but never follows through” they call that ‘lying to yourself’. sometimes you gotta be stern with it. don’t say it in a rude tone, but don’t say it in a nice one either. if he still does the same shit (which is weird tbh) then i’d suggest muting him and ignoring him.
NTA. You will always end up having to cut this type of friend out of your life eventually
NTA. You are their coping mechanism which can get grating. You’re not a therapist but a friend. It’s hard to watch someone not try to improve even a little over the course of years but still hear about it.
You don’t have to go to the extreme of not being their friend entirely but you should bring up how you’re feeling. If they can’t handle that then there’s your answer.
It’s kinda like you’re falling into the same trap he is, you know? Doing the same things (listening to him rant) while hoping that something will change?
You’ve helped him a lot. But it’s ok to want positive change. And it sounds like that’s only likely to come from your end, not his. NTA and best of luck
NTA. Tell him not to contact you until he changes. Ask him for a list of changes he is planning to make and pick a point on it that you will reengage. Keep the list and ask him each time what goals he has reached.
NTA You’ve done what you can do for him, and now you’re burned out. Next time he starts venting just gently tell him you’re sorry he’s feeling low, but you aren’t in a good headspace right now to listen to him. A well adjusted person would take that just fine and say they understand. Considering his vents though, there’s a chance he will accuse you of “not caring” or some other such nonsense. That’s not true and not your problem. It’s not fair to make you his sole source of emotional support.
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves unfortunately. Hopefully one day he has access to therapy and decides to do it. That’s the proper place for these frequent and reoccurring issues so he can sort out how to deal with them and/or prevent them from happening.
Tell him go outside touch grass and go to therapy. He doesn’t want a solution he wants attention and pity. Stop giving him that
NTA. “Venting feels more like his coping mechanism than actually trying to improve.” That’s what venting is: it’s just a way to let off steam, not a way to solve an problem. “He’s also told me that other people have blocked him because of constant ranting.” Makes sense to me. Lots of people eventually get tired of being used and head for the exit. Your resentment is natural.
NTA. You’re experiencing “compassion fatigue,” which is a natural response to being someone’s emotional dumping ground for years. It’s exhausting to care more about a friend’s well-being than they do.
Since he repeatedly ignores your advice and refuses to leave the environment hurting him, you have every right to stop listening. You aren’t being a bad friend; you’re just protecting your own mental health from a cycle you can’t fix.
19? 3.5 years? So since you were 15-16
This is high school age and sounds like high school experiences.
For context where would kids actually go to not deal with this?
>reducing online involvement, or making friends IRL.
Take your own advice. NTA.
NTA. One definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing and expecting different results!
Instead of listening to him vent respond with “dude, I’ve heard this same thing for 3 years now and I’m done giving you advice about it-and I don’t want to hear about this anymore”
An emotional vampire. He feels better after having a rant and you feel drained. Block him and don’t engage.