Hello!
Everytime my wife is inviting guests to our house she informs me after the fait accompli. Everytime it is like "this weekend my friend or parents will visit". She never tells me she has such plans first so I don’t even have opportunity to react. It’s not like I am against guests but I would like to participate in planning as I could have different plans.
Today after I heard that parents will be coming on Sunday I broke. I told her that I would like to know before plans are made. She got angry and told me that she don’t need my permission to invite someone. And I agreed but I told her that it is not about permission but we are living togather so she needs to take into consideration my opinion. It only made things worse and made me wondering if maybe I am wrong. So AITA?
Your wife doesn’t respect you at all. In your shoes, on Sunday I would make my own plans, outside the home and go and be gone the entire day. She’d probably stop doing that.
NTA. In the future, if you already have plans, do not cancel them. “Well, I’ll be golfing, but I guess you guys can have a good time without me.”
Or play her game against her, invite people without asking her first.
I wouldnt be home. Make your own plans. You dont need her permission either
OP should be able to relax at home on a Sunday though
In our house it would be “I’m thinking of asking X over at the weekend, what do you think?” Her response (essentially throwing a tantrum) feels slightly gaslighty, like she’s trying to make you sound unreasonable for asking for a heads up (which is totally reasonable).
NTA, but as someone married for 14 years, let me suggest what’s actually going on here and how to solve it: your wife doesn’t like feeling that she’s a kid who has to ask her parents before inviting a friend over, especially when inviting them over would be very appropriate to the conversation (like “I’ll be in your area tomorrow!” “Cool, let me ask my husband if I can invite you over”). You, on the other hand, rightfully want to have input on plans that involve you or your home. So here’s what could make this better: first of all, you can definitely discuss certain whitelists (like “I have no issues with you having people over on Wednesdays when I work late, because it doesn’t effect me”, or “your brother is awesome, always cleans up after himself, and even if you invite him and then we find out that there’s a social conflict, he’s super chill if we cancel). Second of all, and most importantly: phrasing is everything. If she thinks you’ll be OK with a specific invite, she can say “I’d love to have you over tomorrow for lunch! I don’t think OP has anything planned, but I’ll double check with him later and get back to you” – this way, shes not asking for permission, but she’s also not presenting you with a fait accompli. If you have other plans, don’t feel like hosting, or whatever else, you tell her, and she gets back to them with “so sorry, OP reminded me we have plans. Can we do Wednesday instead?”. This is super not a big deal, and at some point most married couples adopt this type of planning on any event. Obviously, it’s always ideal to plan things together, but that’s not always an option and this gives each person what they need.
I like this response and I hope it’s an accurate read of the situation.
I think OP should try this, and I also hope OP’s wife is actually reasonable and listens to him once she’s calmed down a bit.
I also wonder if, if that’s how she’s feeling, if it might be worth pointing out that her inviting people over and *telling* OP what’s happening instead of consulting with him if it’s a good time for *them* to have visitors is her treating OP like she’s the mum and he’s the child (who doesn’t get a say), instead of them being equal partners who host visitors together as a couple.
NTA
next time answer: Oh good, that’s exactly the time my buddies will be over for beers, they will ove each other.
Tempted to say you’re the AH just for saying fait accompli twice in as many sentences.
Literally. Lol
OP’s first language clearly isn’t English and yet they’re out here using sophisticated language like that, personally I’m impressed
Well, to be fair, the sophisticated part of the sentence isn’t in English lol
I have this problem often, What I have told her is If you don’t include me in the planning, don’t include me in the plans.