So, I’m turning 15 in December. I’ve always told my parents (F42, M44) I wanted a big XV party. Like, in our culture, 15th birthdays are huge, basically a wedding-level thing, and they’ve been saving for years.
But in January, my grandma (68, my mom’s mom) got diagnosed with late-stage cancer. She was super close to me growing up and basically raised me, she used to babysit me every day after school when I was a kid. I realized she might not make it to my XV, and it terrified me.
I asked my parents if we could do a smaller party earlier, like February or March, just a few friends and family so grandma could actually be there. They said no. They told me it was ridiculous to have my XV months before my birthday and that I couldn’t change my mind and say I want a small party because I originally wanted a big party and they’d been saving for it.
Over the year, grandma got worse. I begged multiple times to move the party up. Nothing. She passed in late October. I was a wreck and assumed the party would be canceled. Nope. My parents said grandma would’ve wanted me to celebrate anyway, and now everything’s booked, venue, photographer, flowers, the whole thing.
On top of that, I overheard my mom arguing with my aunt about how she didn’t help with grandma’s funeral expenses and my mom says it was because of my XV expenses. Honestly, if they’d just done a smaller party in February, some of that money could’ve gone to grandma, and I would’ve understood.
Now I just don’t even want this party. It doesn’t feel like it’s for me anymore. I’m seriously thinking about skipping it. They can’t make me go, right? Like, they can’t force me into the dress and drag me there? But I also feel guilty because they’ve spent thousands and my dad’s family is traveling from Mexico.
So… Reddit, WIBTA if I just didn’t go?
Oh I am so sorry about your grandma. I completely understand why you dont want to go but I do think you should take some time before you make any decisions. This party did cost your parents a lot of money and family is coming. They were the assholes for not moving the party up but the chance for that is gone so soft YWBTA. It may affect your relationship with them for a long time if you dont go and they are not wrong, your grandma loved you and would want you celebrated. What if you made a little memorial at the party for your grandma and do a speech dedicating it to her? Obviously it is up to you, but maybe you could celebrate her as well as your birthday?
Aww, honey, I’m so sorry. Sorry about your grandma, sorry you overheard the adult conversations not meant for you, sorry that you feel your celebration is tainted.
The truth is, I’m sure your grandma WOULD want you to still celebrate. Her time may have been cut short by cancer but she still got 68 years; she would want you to embrace your youth and have the party.
You might feel like it’s hard to recapture that celebratory spirit, but I hope you try.
You’re obviously NOT an AH in any way, but I hope you go to your party and try to enjoy in memory of your gram. She really would want that.
I know it feels like your parents didn’t listen to you. If I had to guess, they also felt overwhelmed by everything with grandma and losing a parent, and planning your party was/is an escape and an opportunity for them to celebrate life instead of mourning loss. It doesn’t make it fair to you that they bulldozed what you asked, but when you’re an adult yourself (and I KNOW – I hated that line as a teen but now in my mid-30s I swear it all makes so much sense) you’ll understand more about how being grown up doesn’t mean you know what to do or how to handle situations… we are ALL just out here doing the best we can. Your parents didn’t listen to you, but it came from a place of them wanting you to have the party you previously dreamed of.
I hope you can forgive them and show them grace. Losing a parent is so hard, even if they don’t show it they are also going through it.
NAH, but, again, I hope you go to your party. ❤️🩹
This. It’s everything I was going to say. I’m sorry op, but don’t skip this.
Read this OP. This is the best advice you are going to get.
>planning your party was/is an escape and an opportunity for them to celebrate life instead of mourning loss.
I also suspect that them not being willing to move the party to earlier in the year was not about not wanting to give OP the opportunity to have her grandma there just because she once upon a time wished for a big party and that wish now had to respected (enforced) at all costs (literally), but rather a case of believing (or trying to cling to the belief) that grandma will make it to December and beyond.
It probably felt as if saying “OK” to moving up the party would be the same as giving up hope, and OP’s mom was probably not ready to do that yet.
Talk to your Priest, ask him to help you with your family. YOU CAN make you Quinceano an evening to honor your grandmother and you and your family!! I’ve been to one where they did that. It was SO beautiful and meaningful!!!
My wife is from Mexico so I understand how big the XV is. I don’t want to call you an AH, but you should go. I’m really sorry that your family ruined it for you, that shouldn’t have happened. Your grandma probably insisted that your party not be changed because of her. Your mom definitely should have approached it with you a different way. The argument you heard between your mom and aunt was not meant for you to hear, the fact that two adults were arguing over finances and your XV got brought up should not make you feel guilty in the least.
You said it’s not for you anymore and I totally get where that’s coming from, but all the people who are coming are still coming to celebrate you. You’re still the guest of honor. You’re still the reason why your dad’s family is traveling from Mexico in the first place. Go and enjoy yourself – it’s what your grandma would want.
Edit: As far as believing that the party would be cancelled, I don’t know if your grandma is the first person really close to you who has passed, but it’s normal at your age to have this feeling that life doesn’t just go on. Unfortunately, you start to get over that feeling as you go through life and see more people you love die.
I’m torn. While your parents spent a lot of money on an important cultural milestone, they handled the situation with your grandmother poorly. I get how it feels like it’s not your party as your parents have planned it for you, not with you, but that’s kind of the point; they’re presenting their daughter as a woman.
You also have the right to feel hurt by them ignoring your pleas to celebrate earlier for your grandmother. While I don’t agree with your parents actions, I do agree that your grandmother will want you to enjoy your celebration. Looking at this through a cultural lens, I think it would be disrespectful to your family, including your grandmother, if you did not go. You may also be hurting yourself because it seems like family relationships are important to you.
You are NTA for your feelings.
NAH. But have the party. I understand your resentment and your wish that your grandmother could have been there. It sucks.
But there are a few points of view I want you to consider. The first is your grandma’s. She really would have wanted you to have this party. She wanted you to be celebrated. A quinceañera is a really big deal. Like most of our abuelitas, her concern was undoubtedly less about herself than you. As you get older, you get to accept that you’re on your way out and that you’ve had your fun. Even as a parent, I’m more excited about the adventures I can plan for my son than for myself. She could have asked for the earlier party herself if that was her wish.
Next is your parents. They knew that death was coming, but you know that in a big Mexican family, death isn’t a stranger. I remember every month was a baptism or a funeral. It’s still hard, even with the practice you get, but losing a mother is awful. The anniversary of my mom’s death was last week. I can’t erase her contact from my phone. I miss her. Having a big celebration of my son to look forward to soon after would have been balm for my soul. Your parents need this. They need to celebrate you. They need to see family. They need a reminder that life goes on in the great cycle.
Next is your family. It’s hard to get together and this is the reason they’ve got. It’s valuable. You know you’ve had cousins who didn’t make it to 15. You don’t know how relieved you are every day to see your child still there. They want to see you moving into this next phase of your life.
Finally, I want you to think of your own perspective. Will you see this as the right decision in ten years? In twenty? When your mom is on her death bed, will you want to need to apologize for the disappointment that has haunted her for years? Or will you want to remember this grand moment, with that one tio (you know which one) who had a little too much and acted the fool, and your cousins dancing joyfully, and the smiles on the faces of your family, and the connection to your community?
Have the party, and plan a moment to remember your grandma. That’s what she would have wanted, to know you had your joy and that you would remember her fondly after she’s gone.
Sounds like it could be a kick ass memorial party for grandma. Create a slide show. Take over your own party in honor of grandma.
I don’t want to call you an AH, but I think you should go. Enjoy your time with those who love you, celebrate the moments that you have.
Your parents handled this badly by not taking your wishes into account. Both your mum and you have suffered a great loss and you are still going through it. I don’t think you mum is wrong in saying your grandmother would want you to celebrate your milestone – she clearly loved you, and wanted you to get the best out of life. Honour her by wearing something precious of hers, or by having a lovely photo of her, so she can be with you in spirit.
NAH
This is a hard one. Your parents had a plan, and they did not waver from it, no matter what. It is a shame they would not compromise, as this has caused resentment. As I tell my son, anything we do wrong as parents, he should learn from it and do better in his future.
I, too, would feel like not going, but I think this would have bigger ramifications and make things worse. As it sounds like your parents aren’t the best at listening, I would write a letter to them. You don’t actually have to give it to them if you don’t want to, but it will help you get feelings out.
But I do think your parents are correct that your grandmother would have wanted you to have the party of your dreams. The question is, how do you get into the right headspace to enjoy yourself? Can you think of ways to incorporate/honour her? For example, wear something sentimental and mention her in your speech. Just think of her looking down on you and smiling.
I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandmother sounds amazing. I hope you attend and that you give a speech about your grandmother. The things you loved, how you miss her and wish she was here and that you are grateful you were able to spend so much time with her. You are the person you are today because of her.
NTA for wanting to skip, but please go and make sure to ask for a memorial table for your grandmother.
NTA, although I don’t know if not going is the best solution. But your family was shitty about this and should have honored your wishes.