I (21F) have a complicated relationship with my stepmother (50F). She always finds an excuse to get mad at me no matter how hard I try to please her. She also makes unnecessary rules like banning me from having snacks (she’ll buy snacks for herself) or no legs on top of the couch because it makes me look lazy (she does the same thing). My father (52M) lets all of this happen simply because he doesn’t like hearing her complain, so he tells me to just deal with it. However, she complains no matter what we do.
Last week, I snapped and swore at her, and she went to complain to my dad about it. He told me not to swear at her because then he has to deal with her complaining. Instead I lashed out more and called him a coward for barely defending me whenever she pulls this crap. He threatened to kick me out of the house afterwards and told me to apologize to my stepmother or else she’ll divorce him because of me.
This is not the first time I’ve lashed out at my stepmom and had to apologize for it. I’ve apologized many times, but this time I feel like there’s no point because nothing ever changes. Even after I say sorry and try to do better, she still treats me the same and my dad just lets it happen.
I’m still upset, but at the same time I’m starting to think maybe I shouldn’t have lashed out. I don’t know what the best solution is.
(I barely ever use Reddit, and I have a therapist to rant to about this stuff. She had to cancel due to the snowstorm and I have yet to hear when I can see her this week, but this whole situation is stressing me out, so I’ve resorted to coming here.)
Are you going to school or working or doing nothing?
I work two jobs. I used to go to college but had to drop out because it was stressful trying to balance classes and work. I help around the house as best as I can (vaccuming, dusting, washing dishes, taking out the trash, etc.). I’m sorry, I should have been more specific in my post about my life.
Sometimes the little details make all the difference.
Do you pay rent or room & board? Do you buy your own food & snacks or kick in funds to pay for food items?
You have 2 jobs. Why don’t you move out?
Please go back to college. Get an education and independence so that you can tell them
Both to F off once you graduate and find a job.
Would a divorce be that bad?
Edited to add NTA.
Is there a reason you just don’t move out on your own? If you don’t like how she treats you, move. Do you have a job or if you dont, get one and start saving up. Do you help out around the house? With chores, cooking supper, buying food etc? Is she snapping at you because you don’t do anything? How long has she been in your life and has she always been like that? I don’t think you are the AH because everyone hits their breaking point but I wonder if there are other factors contributing to how she treats you.
She hasn’t always been like this. She was nice when we met, but after she moved in that’s when things went south. I’ve done my best to help around the house and even work two jobs, but she still finds a way to get mad at me.
I do want to move out. I’m trying my best to save up with the limited pay I earn from my jobs. I was planning to get a place with two friends of mine, but one of them now has to stay with her grandmother, so now it’s just me and one other friend.
I’m sorry, I should have been more specific in my post.
NTA. Shame on your dad for continuously putting his wife before his daughter. You don’t deserve that. Is lashing out the most ideal way to handle this? No. Is it still valid and understandable? Hell yeah, and it doesn’t make you the asshole. It makes you human.
My advice from someone who has had similar feelings with their dad and stepmom, is that I would maybe try to talk to your dad privately about how you feel. Let him know that your lashing out wasn’t meant to be disrespectful or harmful, but was simply a reaction to how you’d been feeling due to their actions. Acknowledge it wasn’t the best thing, but assert that you need more support from him to avoid these feelings from building up and leading to another crash out.
I say try, because I know it might not be possible depending on your father’s character. And it could make the situation worse. I think that, if you think he’d be receptive, I’d give it a shot. If you don’t, it’s okay to choose to protect your peace and maybe distance yourself from them if that’s possible. And I don’t mean cutting them off, but if you are close with your mom and stay with her sometimes, maybe you could stay there more and make visits at your dad’s less frequent and/or lengthy.
INFO What is your situation in life? Are you a student? Working? From a culture that doesn’t encourage moving out unless you are getting married and maybe not even then? I’m trying to understand why a 21 year old isn’t able to acquire their own snacks or move out. I’m not saying her behavior or your dad’s behavior is kind or courteous. It’s not. But I don’t understand why you write as if you are stuck under their boots.
I’m obv not OP, but I just wanna say I appreciate your post. Instead of jumping to conclusions to flip it back on OP, you’re one of the few that acknowledges that sometimes extenuating circumstances or cultural differences keep young adults at home longer than they like. 👍
NTA, your dad seems scared of her, I used to have an abusive stepmom who didn’t let me eat out of the fridge, locked me in my room, and convinced my dad that I didn’t love him. The abuse and manipulation it didn’t stop with me, but she manipulated my dad into believing her and in her crazy rules.
My biggest advice is to try your best to comply and find somewhere else to live in the meantime (if you have the resources), I know it’s harder said than done, but the deterioration of your mental health is not worth staying in a house like that. It’s exhausting.
If you can’t do that, have a private talk with your dad about your concerns, and be as calm and factual about it as you can. Emotional responses often don’t work out well in these situations. Lashing out just gets you further from maintaining peace, and makes you look like the bad guy.
Just try to avoid her when u can at the house and maybe you can keep the arguments to a minimum. I truly hope you find a better place where you feel comfortable being yourself.
AT 21 you should be looking for a way to move out.
As soon as you can, walk away from this toxicity.
Find a roommate. But run from this.
NTA
1. Don’t swear at people out of anger
2. Sounds like your best move here is to move out. For your sake. If you can, tough it out and lay low, and save up till you can afford your own place. Things will get better
Over all I still say NTA, just human. Everybody snaps sometimes, don’t beat yourself up but do try to snap less