Context: At the time this happened, I was freshly 18 and my friend is 17. We are both females.
A little bit ago, I went to Wawa with my three close friends, mainly just to talk in the parking lot considering it was a good middle point between our house. It was around 8pm and there were quite a few cars in the parking lot. My two friends sat in the back seats while my best friend, we’ll call her K, sat in the passenger seat. At one point, I went to go use the bathroom and K came with me. As we were walking out, she slaps my ass and then tugs at my pants a little bit. I jokingly turn to her and say “Oh, you better not pants me. I’d be so pissed.” We walked back to my car and once we get there I accidentally drop my keys on the ground. I go down to pick them up, and K just straight up pulls my pants down- along with my underwear- exposing my ass to the entire parking lot. I was embarrassed considering my other two close friends were in the car, so I didn’t say much after it happened. All I did was put my head in my hands and said “Oh my fucking god” while they all laughed. I got home and immediately started bawling because I truly never thought she would violate me like that. I talked things through with my parents and a few other friends and everyone is urging me to stop being friends with her, as this isn’t the first time she’s been a crappy friend to me. I was planning on just talking to her and working it out, but when I did she started defending what she did, claiming we weren’t in public, saying she would not have pulled my pants down had I not asked her to not pants me, and that she thought it was my humor. We play wrestle on occasion, but never anything like this. In fact, I recently made a boundary with her for being too physical with my other friends and I. Throughout the conversation, she kept telling me I was overreacting and that it’s not that serious, bringing up all the times she’s helped me through rough situations, and even telling me that telling her not to pull my pants down “doesn’t count as a boundary” because I laughed after saying it. She said a lot of hurtful things and it took her over 24 hours to take full accountability for what she did. Am I the asshole for dropping her, or at least not wanting to be close with her anymore?
NTA. That’s a very strange boundary to cross. It’s understandable if you don’t feel safe around her after that, and it sounds like she’s not a very good friend to you anyway. You don’t owe her your time or your peace. You don’t need to have a big breakup scene, but you also don’t need to spend time with her when she asks, either.
Nta for dropping toxic people. But you are ta for not dropping her sooner. You need to recognize when a friend actually is a friend and real friends don’t deliberately humiliate you publicly for laughs….thats toxic people shit. Any time you feel like things are being done at your expense…..usually NOT a friend doing it.
NTA. What she did wasn’t a ‘joke’—it was a physical and sexual violation. Pantsing someone in a public parking lot to the point of exposing their underwear is incredibly disrespectful, but her reaction afterwards is even worse.
A real friend would be mortified that they hurt you and would apologize immediately. Instead, she dismissed your feelings, blamed you for ‘challenging’ her, and told you that you were overreacting. That is classic gaslighting. You explicitly set a boundary by telling her not to do it, and she broke it on purpose. You are not losing a friend; you are removing a toxic person who doesn’t respect your body or your boundaries. Stand your ground.
NTA, but it sounds like y’all had communication issues. Given solely the info in this post, I wouldn’t say this situation warrants ending a relationship with a best friend, so I’d encourage you to seek professional mediation. Keyword: professional. A panel of friends doesn’t count. At the same time, if you want to be done then be done and that’s totally fine.
A Friend does not humiliate another friend. By embarrassing you, she is attempting to make herself feel better.
She is not your friend.
Ask your self, would you treat a friend this way?
Would you tolerate your bestie being treated like that? I hope not.
NTA. Your former best friend is TA.
NTA. You said you didn’t want to be pants’d and it was done to you anyway. Jokingly said or not, that’s public indecency. I’d stop being friends with her too.
if this was a man he’d be charged with harassment and/or assault.
This girl did violate you. Thats not okay. You specifically made sure your non-consent was communicated and she took it as a challenge.
Ive pantsed my friends. We’ve been in a place where it’s appropriate and we’re all in agreement on it being funny, and yet not a single one of us (a group of 10 and only 3 of us are girls) EVER pulled down underwear, even when we were on private property and didnt have the issue of being in public. Thats taking it from a “funny joke” to straight up violation & exposure. Not only is it disgusting on your behalf, but if a child was present, you couldve been charged with indecent exposure and put on a list.
Thats not your friend. That’s someone who isn’t respecting you, your boundaries or anyone around them. I highly doubt she had the forethought to check if there was children there that could possibly see you exposed.
Block & Delete. Ditch the Temu Regina George and find friends that wont jeopardise you or your humility 🫶🏻
NTA!!! That is a huge violation of your privacy and bodily autonomy. ESPECIALLY since you’d just specifically said you would not appreciate it. Immediate termination of friendship. Do you want friends who think it’s funny to do this kind of thing to you?? You deserve better.
NTA. She very intentionally and publicly transgressed a clearly stated boundary, then got mad at you for imposing the consequences you had already told her would result. Good friends don’t treat one another that way. As someone else has already pointed out, a true friend would have been falling all over herself apologizing for having embarrassed and upset you, and would be desperately trying to figure out some way to make it up to you. She *would not* be telling you that it “was just a joke ” and that you’re “overreacting” or “being too sensitive.” You are well within your rights to decide unilaterally that this relationship has outlived its shelf life and should be dropped into the nearest trash can.
That said, I come at this from a slightly different PoV than a lot of the other people who have commented so far: I’m bi/pansevaul, so I’m hearing something very different in your description of her behavior. You said that she’s very physical with you and your other female friends, including “play wrestling,” and that she has become aggressive enough about doing so that you felt the need to ask/tell her to back off. You also said that she “swatted (you) on the butt” and tugged your pants lower as both of you were leaving the bathroom. I hear this and immediately start to wonder if she is a budding or closeted lesbian or bisexual who is struggling to figure out how to handle/channel/express/reveal her sexual and/or romantic attraction to either you specifically or women in general. Not all of us who experience same-sex attraction automatically know how to handle it gracefully and how to act around people who turn us on, especially if we’ve been told that we shouldn’t feel that way about people whose bodies look similar to our own.
Mind you, even if I’m right and her pantsing you was some sort of spectacularly failed attempt at making a pass, *I am **not** excusing what she did!* Forcing another person to moon a parking lot full of strangers is **not** a joke and not at all funny. As someone else pointed out, if you had wanted to make a stink about it, what she did would count as either sexual assault or sexual battery in many jurisdictions. I’m not bringing up my take on the situation to in any way defend her behavior. I just thought another perspective on what she did might help you understand what the underlying motivation could have been.
NTA. She gaslighting you. She’s not a good friend. And telling someone not to do something is not and never will be an invitation for them to do it. Stop talking to her. Stop listening to her excuses. Drop her as a friend because others take note of how you allow yourself to be treated. If you let her to treat you like dirt, others will treat you like dirt to.
NTA you told her not to do something and she did. She not only removed you outer clothing but also your underwear. She did the publicly with witnesses.
This may have been a prank and joke to her. But in many places this could be treated as an assault or even sexual assault.
Listen to her defense that you telling her not to do it didn’t count. That she did it deliberately because you asked her not to. That it wasn’t in public, that you are over reacting. If a man did that and used those defences people would be up in arms.
She is not a friend. Friends make mistakes but friends also appoligise
NTA.
I would say you are the asshole if you continue being friends with her.
NTA, and depending on who you ask, what she did is very much sexual harassment/assault.