I (39NB) and my wife (42F) “Bridget” as well as my other partner (36M) “Tyler” live a few states away from my MIL (83F) “Eleanor” who lives alone and doesn’t have very much family she’s in contact with.
Unfortunately, my MIL is a very critical person. She’s made a lot of comments on my wife’s weight, our kids’ weight, our parenting choices, our housekeeping (admittedly lax) and has even snooped on my private financial documents in the past. Eleanor even admitted a few years ago that she doesn’t see me or my other partner as family because we’re not “blood”. This last thing really soured me, Bridget, and Tyler’s relationships with her and we have been slowly paring down contact with her.
Last year, she came to visit us for Christmas. She continued critical comments throughout the visit, which we expected, but mainly the thing she did that was awful was that she basically completely ignored Tyler and his contributions to the holiday planning. He planned out and executed most of the meals by himself, but Eleanor saw me chopping vegetables for a meal, so she thanked me instead. We had a friend over Christmas Day, who cooked a dish for the meal, and Eleanor made a point to thank both me and my friend, but not Tyler. She ignored him in every conversation we had, including on the day when we opened presents. (Tyler has been part of the family for five years at this point. The kids call him “dad”. He’s not going anywhere.)
Anyway, this year, Eleanor mentioned to my wife that she’d like to see the kids open their presents on Christmas over video call, and this is where I think I might be the asshole. When my wife brought this to me, I pushed for us to make sure to save the gifts from Eleanor and have the kids open only those gifts over the phone. For context, we have done this on birthdays in the past. During those birthday calls, Eleanor (who is a bit hard of hearing at her age) wants everyone to repeat themselves if she doesn’t catch it, wants everyone to hold up their gifts to the camera so she can see, and explain what they are. She also tends to make belittling comments if she doesn’t understand the relevance of a gift, or if she doesn’t understand why someone would want it. I wanted to avoid the hassle of the process and the comments she might make, and all three of us are still a bit upset about the previous Christmas visit, so this is why I pushed for the call to be limited.
After the call, Eleanor contacted my wife, Bridget, and said she felt really left out and didn’t understand why. My wife called her over the phone a few days later and attempted to explain that it’s hard to have conversations with her because of how critical she can be, as well as rehashing what happened last Christmas, to which my MIL responded by making a couple of guilt-trip type comments and generally didn’t apologize or take accountability (“Well I don’t remember that!”)
So, what do you think? Am I the asshole?
Did she want her child to marry a blood relative lol?
NTA but it kind of feels like Bridget should be way more in the loop here.
NTA. It is generous to offer to have the kids open their presents from Eleanor on a video call. It is unreasonable for her to want to insert herself into the rest of your Christmas morning when she’s not invited. Focus on getting on the same page as your wife. Bridget needs to be willing to tolerate her mother’s upset feelings (your MIL can feel left out; that is a consequence of her own actions and not a problem Bridget needs to fix).
Did she feel left out because she saw limited presents opened or because of the awkwardness things going on via video calls?
Im on the side of NTA but I think the situation should’ve been articulated ahead of time “yeah we’ll video call you for your presents” set the boundary rather than being confused she didn’t understand it and complaining about things from a year ago
A fair point. We probably should have let her know ahead of time what it was gonna be.
Also, if she’s in her 80s it’s possible she genuinely doesn’t remember, as she won’t have dwelled on the negativity being she caused it
NTA – but why isn’t Bridget taking the lead here? After all, it’s her mother, right?
Nta but Bridget needs to take a stronger hand in this.
NTA It’s hard to get an 83-year-old to change their ways but maybe ask your partner to talk to her about not being so critical. I had a similar situation in my family and my solution was to end phone conversations when the older relative started being judgmental. After a few short conversations and my push back to those comments, I think they started to realize how important it was for them to be positive.
That’s a good idea. I will bring this tactic up to my wife.
INFO: How does your wife communicate the frustrations the three of you are having with her? Is it being adressed? Are you being supported?
Honestly this would be a “stop being an ass or we will go low/no contact” situation for me.