My 24 year old nephew is staying with my MIL and FIL to learn how to take care of himself. My husband, our kids (23, 21, 18), and I live a mile away from them.
My nephew is very coddled. At 24, he’s never held a job, doesn’t drive, doesn’t cook, doesn’t know how to do his laundry, and has no social skills.
He’s been here for almost a month and for someone here to learn independence, he’s not very independent. He’s calling me and my kids daily to ask us to take him to one specific mall 15 miles away when there’s a perfectly fine one 2 miles away, across the street from a bus stop, he wants us to drive him to the grocery store a half mile away because it’s too cold to walk (50 degrees). We put up with it for the first couple weeks but lately we’ve been agreeing to drives if one of us is already going in that direction. If not we suggest uber, walking, or the bus.
My older 2 kids went to a party on Friday night and they invited him to go with them. I use the word party very loosely. There were 15 people building gingerbread houses, playing white elephant, and a Mario kart tournament. No drinking, no loud music. The party was at my cousins house an hour and a half away.
My nephew agreed to go, then 20 minutes in started texting me asking how long this party would last, then saying he was overwhelmed and only expected 2 or 3 people to be there, complaining that my kids wouldn’t take him home, then asking me to pick him up.
I told him that he agreed to go and that if he heard party and expected 3 people, that’s on him, so if he couldn’t handle being there he could either uber or take a train.
He wasn’t willing to do either so he sat in the living room and waited for my kids to be ready to go.
He told my SIL about us refusing rides and me not picking him up from the party so she called me furious that we’re treating him like this and that he chose to come out here because he’d have support while learning to be independent.
I told her that learning to be independent means learning to do stuff by himself and that I don’t plan to coddle a grown man. If my kids can figure it out so can he.
Now she’s mad that I’m refusing to support her son learning independence and that family is supposed to be better than this.
AITA for not coddling him
INFO: Is he autistic or otherwise developmentally disabled?
Probably but he hasn’t been assessed. Either way my middle is autistic and isn’t nearly this bad.
His parents have failed him tremendously. I’m autistic and don’t hold a drivers’ license because I struggle with visual processing while moving, but as an adult I lived where I could access public transit, walk, or carpool. I learned cooking and housework from a very young age; what they’ve done is enable his helplessness.
>Either way my middle is autistic and isn’t nearly this bad.
We’re all different. We can’t just be like another autistic person because you like the way they behave better.
Autism is a spectrum. Some autistic people need 24/7 caregivers their whole lives, some get their PhD and solve medical mysteries. And then there’s everyone in between.
If you want to help your nephew, encourage the family to get him assessed by a clinical psychologist and into OT and vocational rehab, plus whatever else the psychologist suggests.
His parents failed him. He’s an entitled grown man who acts like a baby.
NTA. I’m guessing that SIL is an important part of the reason your nephew is having to learn independence at age 24.
“I’m done trying (not doing a single thing) to teach him to be independent. Now it’s all of Yours’ job. But I’m going to helicopter from states away and tell you how to do it.” Said SIL.
Has anyone actually sat him down, talking WITH him and discerned how he managed to get to 24 w zero skills, zero appropriate socialization and zero agency?
THIS. It’s not his fault that his mother didn’t do the job of a parent and teach her kid how to be an independent, functional adult. But it IS his fault if he does not listen to people trying to help him untangle the web, or learn to do it himself. And he will never have a functional relationship with an adult partner if he does not do it.
I used to teach Parenting classes, and I have seen this play out so many times. My MA is Human Development with a concentration in Child Development.
We have an epidemic of this because too many parents see their kids as an extension of themselves, and they bind their child to themselves in a web of guilt, manipulation, and emotional dependence. You can’t make being a parent (Don’t start me on “Boy Moms!”) your entire personality, because inevitably your children grow and then you have nothing left, except to be the kind of Parent who ends up on r/JUSTNOMIL.
Does the nephew KNOW he’s been sent there to learn independence? Does he know what that means? Has he just defaulted to laziness because everyone has always done everything for him?
OP, if you can, loop some therapy into this situation. Whether it’s family therapy, or just individual therapy just for him. Let me know if price is an issue, I may have ideas. And if you think you cannot get him to go. I really think a good talking to, (With judicious stroking of his ego, lol) about what independence means, and paint a picture of the kind of life you think he wants to have for himself will also go a long way here.
Here’s an example with my kid. He WAS NOT doing well in the second year of high school, and I thought the best way to “Pressure” him to do better was to show him what his future COULD be, and what it WOULD be, if he didn’t change his behavior.
First, I combined a family trip with visiting a college I KNEW my son would like the look of, and when he heard about the kinds of grades, etc he needed to get into a college like that, it DID really hit him. And he started to do so much better in school, signed up for clubs etc. I knew he wanted to go away to college.
Then in the summer, we told him to pick out some classes at our local community college to attend. I knew he was fascinated by Psychology, so he signed up for that, and a beginning English class that was a requirement. He was the youngest person there, and it really hit him that that WAS NOT where he wanted to go to college. He learned in class, and he learned out of class. And he ended up not having to take a bunch of classes for actual college, because he took classes every summer, so he could pass out of the basics. It also looked great on his transcripts when he was applying to college!
Light a fire under this young man’s ass. What does he love? What is he good at? What are his interests and passions? Find jobs in those things, take him to visit them, get him an apprentice ship in something. Chances are he has NEVER thought about where his life could go, and you need to set his imagination aflame. Look at community college classes.
When we sent my son there, we also taught him how to ride the subway, and bus so he could get there on his own, do this! My son now lives in Dublin, and has traveled the world, and ALWAYS knows his way around as he learnt it young. Good luck.
NTA. It sounds like SIL thinks being independent just means asking someone who isn’t her.
“I want him to stop depending on me so why won’t you let him depend on you!”
NTA. It sounds like SIL wants him to be independent from her, but to depend on others to do things for him.
NTA. I’m confused why his mother can’t teach him independence? Has he been referred for a psych evaluation? That seems like a priority. His grandparents need to sit down with him and make a plan for how long to independence and what SPECIFIC tasks he needs to learn to accomplish (with timelines). Teach him how to cook. Teach him how to catch a bus. Help him get a PT job and see how it goes…etc. Your family did not sign on for this and are not responsible for him. I would not give him rides or invite him out anywhere. Your kids need to live their own lives, as do you. His mom can come and get him and take care of him if she has complaints.
Is your nephew developmentally delayed? If not, whoever raised him did him a gigantic disservice. Who are his parents? Who has been taking care of this man? Does he have a job? If not, where does he get his money? Has he been in college and completely supported? Moving in with Grandma and Grandpa isn’t giving “get independent” vibes, grandparents spoil and coddle, it’s part of the job description!
NTA NTA NTA. The A is whoever raised this guy with zero skills.
Edited to add after reading again: SIL is the A for not raising her son. Tell her I said so. Pitiful.