I’ve (34f) been friends with this person (30f) for a few years now, but I wouldn’t consider her that close. We meetup maybe once every few months to catch up, mostly on her request. We share a few interests in common, so conversation flows easily.
That said, increasingly she has started sharing the personal details of her life with me, which mostly consists of emotional problems and issues with her boyfriend. At first I was happy to lend an ear and offer some perspective, as friends do. But slowly our meetups have become more and more like therapy sessions, where she just dumbs all her feelings onto me, without really checking if I have the bandwidth to absord it or even really asking about me at all. I get that we all need to vent, but sitting with someone for hours and listening to them ruminate about their relationship issues is draining. Like, we all have issues lol. This has lead me to distance myself from her recently.
Then a few weeks ago, she texts me to tell me she broke up with her boyfriend and would love to chat. Honestly, I was going through some pretty rough stuff myself (health issues), so told her politely that it wasn’t a great time for me. She acted all suprised about my health, asking what happened even though I had already told her about the situation. I’m not trying to play pain Olympics, but I was a bit offended that she didn’t remember.
About two weeks later, I followed up and told we could meetup of she wanted, but she basically left me on seen. Then later sent me a long message along the lines of "finding out who your true friends are when you go through rough times" or "people running away when things get tough".
Like, I feel bad and empathize with her struggle, but I’m a person too, not just a prop for her emotional dumping. If we had had a long history or a deep friendship, I would have been there no matter what. But I never considered her that kind of friend. I feel like an asshole, but also feel like I might have dodged a bullet by not deepening the friendship?
Not the AH, you supported her through her dark times and she’s not willing to support you in your dark times?
NTA. Sounds like it worked out as it should have
She sounds exhausting to deal with, you’re better off without that drama, NTA
I had the same kind of friend, where life revolved around her and even when multiple times Iv highlighted and shared my needs n the friendship, she would only do what she wants when she wants it. My boundaries were never listened to and it got very draining over time. Even though she was my bff for 5 years, I still walked away because I realised it wasn’t a mutual friendship. I was her emotional anchor and she relied on me heavily without any consideration of my own feelings. I would say, let go. If she was a true friend and wanted this to be a real friendship, then she would’ve listened as much as she talked (Because being a self aware person would make u think “She’s really being good, I care about her so I wanna know what’s up with her and I can’t be selfish always talking about me even if I need to”..So, no, she isn’t a real friend if all she cares about is just her comfort and not yours. NTA, stay away. Such ppl are depleting and they suck all your energy. Even though I still remember the good things she did to me, I walked away, because it reached a point where it was too much.
Yeah this is a similar relationship. Like we haven’t been friends long enough to really have developed much mutual trust or support. She just jumped straight to demanding support from me without considering once what she was bringing to the relationship. It’s exhausting and kinda icky.
You said she had been increasingly sharing personal details, which mostly consists of emotional problems and issues with her boyfriend. Knowing that your relationship with her is at an end I would have replied that due to all her problems with boyfriend seems a good thing for her and she could easily find a better one. That you were surprised that she had forgotten all about your own problems as you had told her but her always concentrating on her own life when you meet makes her a little tiring. That you hadn’t minded her unloading on you but it felt that was why you were meeting up. That she might consider this when chatting to her other friends.
That you have not messaged her this out of spite but that she has a heads up that she might be alienating her friends by her actions. That you wish her the best in future.
NTA
Why do you feel guilty or an AH when all of us know that you did, in fact, dodge a bullet?
She wanted more of a listening ear than your interest or your friend bond warranted, and you were kind enough to oblige for some time. The friendship was moving in a direction you didn’t really care for, but you weren’t quite ready to speak up for what YOU wanted out of the friendship.
She wanted even more of a listening ear, but you didn’t have the bandwith to offer more and politely let her know. Friend wanted to move further in that direction you didn’t care for. You still didn’t express (as nicely as possible) that you felt this casual friendship was evolving into a one-sided, draining support service, but you reasonably expressed your current limits in a healthy manner.
She responded politely at the time but also inadvertently revealed that she hadn’t been listening to you too well. Friendship felt even less appealing and healthy to you.
You followed up when you felt ready to offer a little more of your time/friendly ear. I get it; you were trying to be a supportive (even if casual) friend. But consider a different perspective: after months of being ‘the frog’ slowly put into a pot of boiling water – and not complaining, you were about to willingly immerse yourself in more hot water.
Had this friend jumped at the chance to spend hours regaling you with HER issues (and having even less capacity to hear a fraction of yours), you probably would have found the friendship even more draining and less mutually rewarding. But would you have done anything about it? Or would you have kept trying to be there for her to whatever degree you could? Even if the friendship was no longer a good, casual friendship – but a chore?
Lucky you. She decided to take great offense to you needing time for your own life challenges. And has decided to drop you as someone she could count on when HER times got rough. (Your rough times don’t stay on her radar.)
Because she’s not happy with you, you feel like you are an AH and have guilt for having failed to please her. Since you no longer have to spend hours listening to her, you can use that time to contemplate why you feel responsible for keeping her happy and pleased (at great length)… and at the expense of your own happiness and your own needs from a friendship.
Because a part of me feels like friends should be there for each other even during rough times, not bail the moment things are not “fun” anymore. But you’re right, I do feel relieved she didn’t take my offer to meetup and got offended instead, which is telling.
Of course, good friends should be there for each other during rough times. I am forever grateful for people who have done that for me, and so happy I was able to do that for others. But there still has to be a healthy balance overall.
In college, I had a ‘friend’ who, like yours, always needed more from me than she was willing to give. She was very sweet about it; but you were always the one helping her out. Similar to you, she called me when I was at particularly low point. I couldn’t talk to her then, and that was the end of her considering me a good friend. BTW, I wasn’t the only one. She did the same thing to her roommates and another ‘friend’ or two. There’s a difference between going through a rough patch and just being a taker.
I’m sure you have been there for other friends and have had friends be there for you. I bet you feel the difference between those times and this person.
You need to reply and tell her how self absorbed she is. Don’t let her have the last word and judge your character. Judge hers back.
It’s worth reminding yourself that “she” is the one that reaches out to you every couple
months to catch up. If she didn’t, would yall still be friends or would you have consigned her to a positive acquaintance with some good times and go on with your life? If your level of interest in maintaining the friendship doesn’t make it a high or top priority, then let her go. People WILL waste all of your time if you let them. Move on and let her find someone that is willing to mirror what she needs in a friend, and maybe she’ll be the same for them.