**About my family:**
Me and my brother have a really strong bond ever since he was a baby, he definitely looks up to me as a secondary parent. I also have a younger sister (16F), but she doesn’t want to be involved as much (that’s a different story). My parents are quite strict, emotionally manipulative, controlling, yet neglectful. They have always taken care of our basic needs and education. My mother is a housewife, my father works from home. We are doing good financially.
**Context of the issue:**
I feel they don’t want to take care of the emotional part. It’s okay to not know how, but it’s not okay to reject the shortcomings and get defensive. I am a psychology student, so I encourage them to look into parenting resources, especially for my younger brother. The damage that was supposed to be done to me and my sister is already done.
I ask them to give him more time because my father watches youtube most of the time for "informational purposes" and my mother is bad at managing time. They always get defensive and say I’m judging them, “we took care of everything for you and this is how you think of us,” etc.
We’ve had verbal arguments, weeks of no contact, physical harm, and me attempting to run away because of this. The burden is on me. Even my younger brother says he only feels safe with me, though he can be verbally and physically aggressive with me. I rarely beat him back or raise my voice. He relies on me for emotional and academic support.
I am his full time unpaid tutor. Even when I was away for work, he called me to help prepare for a test over video call, and I did. My parents don’t care if I have finals, they still expect me to help with his homework. If he fails, the blame is on me. Other than me, no one really looks after him.
**The issue:**
One night, around 11, I was teaching him for an upcoming test while working on my own project. He got stressed and lashed out at me. I quietly went to my father and asked why I am completely responsible for his academics. He said they never gave me that responsibility.
I burst out saying I don’t want to parent someone at this age and that it’s their responsibility. I even said, “While making a baby, didn’t you consider whether you’d be able to give him the time and care needed?”
Everyone laughed. My father sarcastically said he’d take full responsibility, looked at me and said, “Satisfied? You may go now.”
Later, I overheard him calling me disrespectful. I didn’t confront anyone. Since then I’ve been quiet and limited interaction with everyone again, including my brother. I keep thinking whether I was immature and tired of carrying responsibilities that are actually mine.
**TL;DR:**
I’ve been acting as a secondary parent and unpaid tutor to my younger brother due to my parents’ emotional neglect. Even after months of explaining them, I was mocked and called disrespectful, and I’ve emotionally withdrawn again.
“I rarely beat him” …..cue the mods…
no you’re not , your argument is totally fair in my opinion
Go watch the Rdr2 picture movie about the wind and the bear fable and come back and let’s see what you learned
Parentification is abuse. NTA
As a psychology student, I hope you recognize that you’re being emotionally and physically abused. Your younger siblings are children. If they’re being abused, please please go tell a teacher, a therapist, or a doctor about what’s going on in your household including the physical harm component. If you don’t have a therapist for yourself, please get one. If you’re at university, get yourself into the counseling center, if secondary school, see if you can get a referral from your guidance counselor.
Honestly, what you said when you were understandably upset with a parent is almost beside the point. The overall situation in your house and how undermining it is for you, and the physical harm that you mentioned, are the point.
Finally, please start making a plan to get out of there. If at university, is there a way to live on campus or in shared student housing? If in high school, can your family afford to send you for higher education in a different city? Can you get a part-time job that takes you out of the house and allows you to plan for your future?
I understand that your younger brother relies on you, and that your parents aren’t doing much parenting. Feel free to talk with his teacher or to try to get him into counseling; perhaps a counselor will be able to work with your parents and help them interact with him more productively. But you aren’t his parent and you richly deserve your own life in a much less stressful living environment.
NTA
They outsourced parenting to you and got mad when you tried to hand it back. so i belive nta
NTA.
I wish I had you as a sister growing up. Feeling invisible and in the way is a lonely place to be when you are a child.
People should realise that when they have children that they are making a commitment to raise this little person to be a fully grown functioning adult. Being a parent is more than just keeping the child fed, warm and safe.
I’m sorry this is happening to you. I was 12 when my brother was born and was parentified, to the point where my schooling suffered because I was expected to prioritise him.
I ended up getting a part time job around university hours and quietly saved enough to move out. They were furious but I stuck to my guns. It was a horrid little flat that I shared with a housemate but it was mine.
For a long time I barely saw my parents and brother. I knew my resentment towards him wasn’t fair and I worked through it with a psych. My parents pushed me to continue to play the parent role, but I told them I was too busy with study and work. Our compromise was him paying for all his orthodontic treatment.
It wasn’t until he grew up and moved out with his girlfriend that we started to reconnect. We rebuilt our relationship and now I’m in my 40’s and he is one of my closest friends and confidents. The important part to me is that our parents pay no part in our relationship. Yes, they’re still there, but we won’t participate in triangulation nor will we tolerate them insulting us to the other. It drives them nuts and I love it.
The difference between my parents and yours though is that my parents idolised my brother and treated him like gods gift to the world. They were abusive to me and my other sisters, but not to him. If I’d known my parents were abusive to him I’m not sure I could have left