For context, me and my bf live together. We get a lot of things (furniture and whatnot) using our joint account but occasionally he’ll put it on his credit card (we use our account to pay it off) or put the bigger items in his name if we’re financing (again we’re both paying it off with our joint account). Recently in a fight he said how everything is technically his and if we break up the only thing I’d have claim to is our bed. He’s since apologized but that bit still sticks with me.
Fast forward to now. I want a switch 2 and Pokémon pokopia bad. (Don’t need it but the fomo is what it is). He found a deal at Sam’s that the switch 2 was $375 and wanted to get it. I told him if he wanted to that’s fine but if not, I was going to get the console and game on my own since I want it (he doesn’t play games like that and doesn’t care to). Yesterday, Sam’s no longer had it but he went to multiple stores to see if they’d price match and when they didn’t he just bought the switch 2 and pokopia himself.
When I came home he said it wasn’t for me, it was for us and he put it on his credit card. I was upset because I had told him that I was going to get it on my own so that at the end of the day, it was my switch.
I’m upset because I wanted something that’s mine. Not that he couldn’t use it if he wanted to, obviously he could, but I still wanted some autonomy over what’s mine. He says I’m being ungrateful because he drove around all day and paid for it full price so I’d be happy.
AITA for just wanting something that’s mine and not something I feel he can add to the tally of things that are “his” in the relationship? AITA for still wanting to buy the console and game on my own and not touch what he got?
If you can show you contributed towards something, or texts or emails or anything where you discuss any logistics of “I’ll send you the $500 towards XYZ” – then it doesn’t matter who physically went and got it or who used their credit card and what account the money came out of. If he thinks that is how things work, he is in for a rude awakening…
nta. he’s showing you who he really is. pay attention.
This is an unhealthy dynamic that’s about more than the switch. Him stating that everything is his in a break up is a HUGE red flag. NTA-but you might be dating one. Be careful.
Since you are paying off bills from your joint account, the items purchased are owned jointly. Although I would say that he specifically bought the Switch for you, it belongs to you.
YTA for staying with someone who is stealing from you. Please explain: You are paying for 1/2 of all these items, but they are all “his?” Why are you letting him do this? NEVER combine finances until you are legally married. Divorces have rules. Breakups do not. No judge is going to sift through who paid what with unmarrieds. STOP IT immediately and examine this relationship. Does he even like you? Why would he treat you like this? Leave him so he can find his wife. You are not her. He’s treating you like dog crap.
Recently you had a fight and he said everything is technically his except the bed?!?!?!?!
If I were you, I would make sure you have the documentation of you putting money into joint account and things being paid from that account or text messages from him about splitting the costs of the joint purchases in your place. He may have apologized, but he already showed you his thinking if the two of you were to split up.
If you don’t want to use his switch2, then tell him to return it. He will grow to be resentful if you don’t use it.
You should not have a joint account until you’re married. NTA but geez reassess what you’re doing.
NTA He’s controlling and manipulative. Think hard. This may escalate.
NTA Nuh uh this feels like it could turn into financial abuse real fast, please count the red flags friend and stay safe, him throwing ownership in your face is WEIRD especially since you’re both paying for these things. Be careful, keep receipts of what you pay for even if its in his name.
NTA He made you feel unsafe and on edge by threatening to take everything you purchased together if he leaves you. I would take steps to separating your finances because if he feels thst way about things you’ve purchased I don’t doubt he’d think he could lay claim to your money. If you want to stay together but sort out this situation try to get him to understand your point of view when he said nothing is yours so you don’t feel comfortable using things he purchases for the both of you because you know that he will ultimately say it is his alone and he will take it with him.
If he “owns” everything paid for from the “shared” account, immediately withdraw all of your contributions from that account and never put any of “your” money in that account. While you are at it move T F out, he is taking advantage of you and attempting to manipulate you.
Stop sharing accounts with this dude. He’s seriously manipulative and not shy about it. NTA but don’t stay in this relationship .
Why are you living financially as though you are married? You are not married. You are not getting the benefits of marriage (tax breaks, potential social security benefits later, etc), so why are you doing this to yourself?
1. Joint account for household bills.
2. Separate accounts for paycheck direct deposits.
3. Move enough money into the joint account to cover your share of the bills (household bills only – rent/ulilities), then pay only those bills from that account.
4. Buy all your own tuff from your separate account.
5. Everyone is responsible for their own individual credit card bills.
6. No joint credit debt.
And this is **only** if you really trust the other person, since they can still overdraft that joint account and still hurt your credit (and leave you responsible).
Remember, respect is given, but trust is earned. If someone hasn’t earned that trust, then don’t even get a joint account for household bills, just pay your share directly to the landlord/utility company.
Given his behavior of just putting things on his card to pay off with the joint account without involving you in the decision, I’d cut him off financially. I’d give my part of the rent and the bills that I agreed to, and not a dime more. He can fund his own independent choices, with his own independent money.
Regarding his previous statements that everything is his…. this really shows his character and how he views you, as less than a partner. To me, that would be enough for me to end the relationship. In the least I hope you got in writing that things also belong to you. Download your bank statements showing that you put money into the account, and that the money was used to pay for these things. It may get ugly if you break up and you might have to prove things. Going forward, get your own receipts when you buy stuff, and save a copy (photo) of them in an account online that he can’t access (along with the bank statements you saved).
Soft YTA to yourself for allowing someone to treat you like this.
NTA regarding your feelings that this is unfair treatment from him.
He’s TA.
NTA.
Few things here;
1. By saying ‘everything here is mine’, he’s shown you how much he actually values you – which is to say, not nearly enough.
2. Stop putting things on his credit card. Buy your own. If he offers, say no. You have that right.
3. Is this person really who you want to be with when he uses joint purchases, made on his credit card so there’s plausible deniability for your stake in things, to beat you over the head with.
Buy the console. Play the game. Get a new boyfriend. Your current one sucks.