I have been married for six years. My wife is very close to her family, especially her younger brother. Over the years he has gone through a few rough patches like job changes, car problems, and being short on rent.
The first time he asked to borrow money, I agreed without hesitation. It was not a huge amount and I believed family should help each other. He paid back part of it but not everything. A few months later he needed help again for a different reason and promised it was just temporary.
Since then it has become a pattern. It is never one large dramatic loan. It is smaller amounts here and there. But when I recently added everything up, it came out to a few thousand dollars over time. Some of it was repaid. Some of it was never mentioned again.
What bothers me most is not even the money itself. It is the lack of responsibility. There is never a clear repayment plan. Just reassurance that he will handle it soon. Then months pass. At the same time, I see him going out with friends or buying new things. It makes me feel like we are the backup plan whenever he mismanages his budget.
My wife feels I am being too strict. She says her brother has always struggled with money but he has a good heart. She believes that since we are more stable financially, helping him should not be such a big issue.
I told her I do not mind helping during a real emergency. But I do not want to keep lending money when previous amounts are unresolved. I suggested that if we choose to help again, we either treat it as a gift with no expectation of repayment or we say no. I do not want to continue in this middle ground where I feel resentful and she feels defensive.
Recently he asked for help again because he is behind on rent. I said I am not comfortable lending more until the old money is addressed. Now my wife thinks I am embarrassing her and making it look like we do not care about her family.
I feel like I am finally setting a reasonable boundary after years of this pattern. She feels like I am being cold and unsupportive.
AITA?
definitely nta
NTA but I would help this time but sit him down and talk about how you do not want to help in the future. Ask what can be done to help – make a budget, job training for a new position, etc
NTA. Your BIL is a prime example of what happens when someone is never forced to be accountable for their own bad decisions. People (read: your wife) need to quit babying him and instead force him to grow up.
thank you for this
He might have a ‘good heart’ but a good heart doesn’t pay the rent. You might be more helpful if you help him set a budget.
NTA. Well, you know why he struggles with money. He keeps going out and buying new things. It’s interesting you wife thinks not leaning him money makes you look like you don’t care about your family, yet her brother not repaying loans doesn’t make the same statement.
NTA. And you are stable financially because you didn’t act like her brother. He needs to learn how to manage his own finances. Maybe you need to be more specific about these loans – payment schedule, due date, etc. And when he doesn’t pay you back, or pay his rent, he can learn the consequences of his actions. If you are always the fallback, he will never prioritize being responsible.
NTA. Simple as that. Honestly if you don’t stop it, it will never end. Your BIL needs to understand it’s up to him to figure it out, there is no extra help in life. Maybe then he will understand to manage his money or at least his spending habits and choices in life.
If your wife feels that her brother needs some extra help getting by, she could always door dash or Uber Eats to save up some money to help her brother. This may be a tough choice, however it would make her think twice by offering money to somebody who doesn’t repay loans or prioritize repayment in lieu of his own “fun”.
I personally have this mindset, who’s going to help me. If I help everybody else, whose is going to help me. Your BIL may have a good heart and want to help you, but simple he won’t be in a position or can’t finically. Don’t feel bad. Tough love is the answer sometimes
NTA, Don’t loan money to family gift it.
You can gift it with no strings attached like you already did. Not bad for a 1 time deal but won’t work if they constantly need money.
Or you can gift it AFTER you sit down at the kitchen table with him and go through his finances line by line. Figure out where his money’s going, why he’s always short and develope a plan so he doesn’t have to borrow money from you in the future. If he doesn’t stick to the plan you develope together at least you can show how you tried to help and have a solid reason to tell him to kick rocks next time he needs money.
If he refuses to do the sitdown I’d tell him no.
I suggest you divide your income sources and allow your wife to support her brother from her income. When she realizes the amount she is paying from her income then she may change her mind.
NTA. Your BIL is using you to subsidize his life, and your wife is co-signing his bullshit.
NTA.
You are being used to sponsor your BILs lifestyle (that he cannot afford). If he has no shame in asking then there is no shame in you saying no to him.
NTA but it might be time for you and your wife to separate money and allow her to support her brother, after household bills are paid. If she’s going to treat the “royal you” money are hers to loan out, and you feel uncomfortable with that, then you need to have “mine”, “hers”, and “ours” where money to her brother only comes from “hers”. Then she can gift to her heart’s content and you don’t have to worry about your finances.
If the wife works ask her to put her hand in her pocket also you have let the lending go to long