"My mom had what we all called “the sacred room.” When she was alive, my parents preferred separate rooms, but my mom’s space was basically a shrine. You didn’t just stroll in, you were summoned. Every year she would renovate it according to whatever new aesthetic obsession she had. One semester I left for school and came back to find the entire room transformed like her interior designer had binge shopped on Alibaba.
Her pride and joy was this massive Maharaja bed, paired with an exotic chandelier, matching night stands, fancy lamps, the whole royal spread. It was beautiful in a way that made sense for her, but it never held sentimental value for me or my sister. It was part of her world, not ours.
After her passing, my dad decided he wants me to take the bed. I have my own apartment now, and even though it could technically fit, I don’t want it. The style isn’t me, the size is overwhelming, and most importantly I don’t feel emotionally connected to it. I suggested he sell it along with the other items since he plans to repurpose her room anyway.
For some reason, this turned into a big disagreement. He feels I’m being dismissive. I feel like I’m allowed to decline furniture I don’t need or want, even if it belonged to my mom.
So… AITA for saying no?"
Nta. My condolences for your mother. No is a complete sentence. You’re a grown adult who can make your own choices, but I wonder if he’s worried about her memory being forgotten or not honored or something. Still not an excuse to be an ass about it.
I’m guessing this isn’t really about the bed, but about letting go. Selling the bed is finite. A part of her is gone gone. But if it stays with you, this piece of her remains. NTA. Don’t take the bed, when you don’t want or need it, but your dad probably needs some grace right now
NTA. The practical reason (not that you need one) is you don’t have room for it. Your dad just doesn’t want to deal with getting rid of it himself. Offer to list it on Marketplace or wherever for him.
You are not required to take something because it has sentimental value to someone else. If it means so much to him, then he needs to keep it!
NTA. The bed doesn’t hold meaning for you and isn’t practical for you. If you have siblings, would one of them take it?
I think the solution is to find the bed a good home with a family relative or close friend, so he can feel it has been respected as part of your mother’s history and self-expression.
And then, you should proactively identify another item that does have meaning for you, and that you would love to have in your home, and request that, if possible. It will reassure your father that you gave that attachment to your mother’s memory, and do want a tangible reminder.
your dad is probably just trying to offload the shrine vibes because it’s too heavy for him to deal with but your apartment isn’t a storage unit for furniture you don’t even like
NTA
But is it possible to play up something else as a memento? Talk about how a blanket is so, so important to you or something like that?
NTA. Condolences on your mom. My parent’s left me most of my great grandmother’s furniture when they moved. They were downsizing and didn’t have room for all her things and guilted me into taking them. I felt obligated, but after about 10 years of storage in my garage and 3 moves, 2/3 of the items are damaged, and I probably only want a few of them at most.
I now truly wished I had put my foot down and said no. You are not obligated to keep something from your past that doesn’t fit into your future.
So…your dad doesn’t want it either? Seems to me, if he wants to maintain a shrine to your mother, he should do that in his house.
Alternatively, take it and get rid of it. Does your father go in your bedroom in your apartment? Or, tell him you don’t want it, but if he can’t get rid of it, you will.
Tell him this bed is a part of your mother’s life that she purposely kept separate from you. That you’d feel much more connected to her by doing X activity or having y item in your home. All this walloping white elephant will achieve is resentment. You’re not rejecting your mother’s memory, you’re rejecting furniture that holds no meaning for you
NAH. You’re definitely not the ah for not wanting it. But I’m also not going to call him one for grieving and wanting to keep something that’s probably sentimental for him, but that he maybe doesn’t want to constantly look at.
NAH
It sounds like your father needs to be further in his grieving process before getting rid of your mothers stuff.
NTA
Tell your dad that you don’t want the bed and if he insists on you taking it you will be selling it to buy a memento or experience that better suits you in remembering your mother.
He is having trouble, needing to clear out and move on but still wanting to hang on to the past. That is something he needs to work through and in doing so can make a decision about the bed.
NAH
Grief is hard and rarely logical.
It may simply be that dad finds the memories in the room hard to live with but also can’t bring himself to get rid of the bed completely.
I have an attic full of my mother’s things that my dad didn’t want to look at but also couldn’t bear to dispose of.
Give your dad (and yourself) some grace.
But, having said that, you are 100% not obliged to take furniture you don’t want and have no room for.
Locally to us, there are charities that help furnish houses for people in need (often DV survivors or refugees). Could you perhaps suggest something like that? Your dad may possibly find it more palatable than giving/selling it to a random stranger.
NTA You don’t have to take it. My mother kept trying to pawn heirlooms off on me that I said repeatedly I don’t want. I finally started telling her “I don’t want it, if you want to drop it off just know I will be donating all of it.”
NTA but I think your father is really asking for your help to remove something that is too emotionally heavy for him to deal with. My mother did the same thing with the bed that my father made and they always slept on. After his funeral, she had me take it apart and put it into the garage until I could drive back to town and get it. It was an incredible bed that he had made with many huge deck screws holding it together so I enlisted my kid’s help. She also gave me all of his clothes, except for a few items. She could not have loved my father more and took care of him until the end while he was very sick. She just didn’t want to be reminded of him, their life in that bed together(insert joke here), and him being ill in it for months. It was just too painful
You said your mother’s room was her special domain and shrine. I’m sure your father saw it the same way. Imagine how painful that will be for him to see every day. He really just needs your help to remove it. At the same time, he wouldn’t feel right giving it away to someone outside of the family either. As a man and your father, he is probably not going to admit he needs your help, especially if it’s because it’s too emotional for him to do. He is standing strong for the family right now and putting on a good game face but he is hurting. Us dumb older men aren’t the best at expressing emotions and pain, especially to our kids, so it often comes out as anger- rather than hurt or sadness. He is entrusting you with something very emotionally important to him. Just take the bed and you can do something with it later when the dus has settled. Do it for your father in his time of need.
My father died years ago but I still sleep in the bed he made for himself and his beloved wife, our mother.