To give background, I have had 4-5 conversations that ended up as arguments with this person about some of our personal beliefs and things that are important to us.
in these conversations, we’ve realized that of the things we talked about we generally we don’t agree and consequently end arguing. Now, I’m not here to ask whether we are good people to talk with and/or any form of relationship advice. I’m just only focused on whether my phrase of saying “a lot of your thoughts” is insensitive and rude to the other person.
The context behind these words is that I felt like a lot of the thoughts that he has, I do not agree with, and are borderline dangerous in reference to the specific things that we are talking about.
He says my use of that phrase does not take into consideration the fact that we’ve only had a couple of conversations about these specific topics and therefore there is no way that I am privy to all of his thoughts and/or even a lot of his thoughts. So my usage of that phrase is improper and does not take into consideration his feelings. In other words, my words come off as a personal attack on him.
Instead, if I had used the phrase “the thoughts that you’ve mentioned in our conversations so far”, then he would be ok with that because it shows that I do not claim to know all of his thoughts and therefore shows consideration.
From my perspective, I felt like saying “a lot of your thoughts” already made it clear that ”your thoughts” referred to the thoughts that I have been exposed to until now and using this phrase is over the top and is not a necessary component of the conversation.
So in conclusion, is my usage of the phrase improper in itself and shows no consideration to the other party?
p.s. Although we’ve only had 4-5 conversations on these specific topic, we have known each other from long ago and therefore have a relationship, not some random stranger.
p.s. from his perspective he says it was insensitive bc we were already at the arguing/fighting phase when i said this, so in an already emotional state, it came off as more of an attack than trying to just make a point.
NTA
In the context “your thoughts” is short hand for “the thoughts you have shared” or “your thoughts that I am privy to.”
Your use of language is not offensive at all.
That this person is hoping to score points in an argument this way suggests that they are very pedantic and exhausting.
In the future, don’t let people pull you into arguments like this. Just say, “no offensive was intended, of course this was just short hand for the thoughts you have shared.”
There is not nearly enough context here but I will tell you that my therapist said if you generalize in an argument and refer to the past it makes the other person feel attacked. She suggest to always talk about the current situation unless there is a reoccurring issue that needs addressing
NTA – some people just want to fight. A good alternative would be ‘What I’m hearing from you is that….’ which would give the other person a chance to correct your impression (or confirm it.)
I agree, you could even simply say: ‘The thoughts you’re expressing now…’. This limits thing to the immediate conversation.
This is called deflection. When you make a good point that they know is true… but don’t want to own up to it… they deflect. Make you the problem.
Now you’re debating your own choice of words, eventually your own opinion. Until you just stop bringing it up.
It’s intentional, it’s by design, NTA
I don’t disagree with your judgement or majority of what you wrote but I’d warn against assuming all narcissistic defense mechanisms are conscious and intentional. That’s not an accurate characterization in all situations. Premeditated intent to manipulate has more to do with “intelligence” than it does personality.
They don’t always choose to have low empathy, they just do. Assuming it’s intentional causes more pain for the receiver IMO.
Huh???
What are you actually arguing about?? You know, before he distracted you thinking about your word choice instead of whatever the real subject was.
ESH. Him for making you think you’re loco, you for falling for it.