I (27F) spent thanksgiving weekend with my family. For context, I have a very fraught relationship with my family and have mostly disengaged with them over the years, but they put in more effort lately so I started attending more events. My grandma is also getting older so I want to spend more time with her. The reasons for my disengagement is that I feel like me (and my siblings) have been treated more unfairly compared to my cousins, but I am just using this as background on why I got more upset than I should have.
My cousins and my sister & BIL came over early in the morning because they were going to a movie I had already seen. I had drove in earlier yesterday, picking up my sister and BIL from the city, and stayed overnight so I can drive them back as public transport would be long and annoying. I waited to have lunch until they arrived and was in the guest room, but they never called me before they started eating. I heard them eventually and came out, my cousins greeted me with “Good morning” as I walked in and I greeted her back “Good morning” and asked what dishes were out.
As I sat down to eat one of my aunts (not the mom of my cousin or owner of the house), said I need to greet my older cousins with a cultural phrase. I said I had already told them good morning, and she said no I had to greet them with a specific phrase. Again I said I think it’s fine but she wouldn’t drop it. So I went and said the phrase to all of them (slightly sarcastically) and sat down again. My aunt took my plate of food and said I wasn’t welcome in this house if I don’t say it properly. So I said fine I will leave then.
I went to grab my coat and things and as I was walking out my cousin told me I should just say the phrase as a cultural thing towards my elders. I told her I had told her good morning, and that my younger siblings didn’t say the phrase to me and no one said anything to them, I don’t find it a big deal. She said no they should, but again I do not think she understood the double standards? No one has taken someone’s plate and ordered my siblings out because they didn’t say it to me, I wouldn’t care anyway. My cousin and me argued about it, I said I didn’t need this drama in my life and she said I was the one creating the drama by storming out. My sister agreed with her and my other cousin mumbled I should say it to be nice. For context, I had greeted them all with that phrase yesterday when I arrived.
I left the house and drove home. AITA?
Tl;dr: I was told to say a certain cultural phrase or leave the house, I left the house, my family thinks I am the drama. AITA?
NTA. Without understanding the culture or the significance of this phrase in it, it’s impossible to really say for sure. But I would lean towards NTA based on the double standard alone.
It is the Punjabi word “Sat Sri Akal”, it is a common greeting in the language but in my family its a thing where you need to greet your elders first with it when seeing them. We live in the US and were born here and are Americanized, I still say it when I greet my family when I come to their house but she had already greeted me with good morning as I entered the room so I said good morning back without thinking to deeply about it. Again I have younger siblings that don’t say it to me and no one has ever said anything to them at family functions, (we usually just say hello or something more casual). No one even cared except when my aunt made it a big deal either.
More than a Punjabi phrase, it’s the Sikh form of greeting meaning God’s name is true. So strictly speaking, it has nothing to do with being American and everything to do with being a Sikh. But given the context you mention your aunt really went over the top. NTA.
What’s crazy is I’m not Sikh (I’ve come out as agnostic) and my cousin is Hindu, so neither of us even practice the religion. My aunt is religious however.
NTA – traditions like these are just peer pressure from dead people.
Just because you aunts and cousins bend their will to pointless traditions, doesnt mean you cant forget your own way.
I mean I don’t even have a problem saying it, I just had already greeted them and had sat down to eat when my aunt was ordering me around like I am not 27 years old, its not like this rule is applied to everyone
I’m not completely clear why you let her get away with it rather than telling her that it’s not her house and she doesn’t get to tell you you’re not welcome in it.
I’m sure that would have caused drama too, but you got that anyway.
I’m used to this kind of treatment I guess. It’s taken a few years for me to even want to go over and spend time with them, leaving seemed like a good option to me and I was going to do that I was just searching for where my sister put the car keys. If I said that she would have said something about this is my sisters house I can say that. Her son won’t show up at any family thing too so.
It does t even seem like the aunt and cousins “bend THEIR will to pointless traditions” they just want to bend OPs will
NTA
My culture has a similar greeting for your elders…. But not your older cousins. This is more so directed at aunts, uncles, father, mother, and grandparents. The fact that they expect you to use that phrase when speaking to a cousin just cause they’re older is ridiculous. The only way this would be an issue is if the cousin is like 20 years older than me. Even then, that’s a stretch.
NTA. This is control disguised cultural respect your elders.
There are clearly cultural pressures here and there is nothing wrong with protecting your own peace, which it seems you have begun to do over the years. But part of that is controlling your own emotions. It took me a decade or so to understand that and be able to put it into practice.
If you are ever in that situation again, which I suspect may never happen given the series of events, but I may just simply respond with eye contact and a very slight smile, then go about your business. Sometimes no response is the best response.
You are an adult now and well past the stage of needing to please your controlling family members.
Protect your peace and move on with your life. If they contribute to it, they can come along. If not, good luck to them.
I have basically disengaged from the family for the last two years and they have apparently told my sister they wished I was closer or ask her why I don’t come around anymore. They started being more active in inviting me so I thought they were trying to mend things between us so I have started to show up more, and try to engage with them, I am always friendly and polite, but the issues of why I don’t want to be around them have persisted and none of them see interested in confronting that part. I wish I could control my emotions better, it’s something I need to work on.
Sounds like they deserve this. Take care of yourself, OP.