I (26f) have a 4 month old baby: he was born prematurely and had a lot of feeding issues, so I exclusively pump breastmilk for him and we bottle feed him. This is great because anyone can feed him but inconvenient for me since I pump 6x a day even in the middle of the night.
Once my baby was eating well from the bottle and sleeping 3+ hours at a time, my dad invited us to come stay with him and my mom every so often to catch up on some uninterrupted sleep. We happily obliged and since then, Thursday nights are spent at their home. My dad has historically done AMAZING with my nieces and nephews, so I wholeheartedly trusted him with my baby overnight and his house already had the facilities to keep a baby (safe sleep space, bottle warmer, changing table etc).
My mom on the other hand has historically been a bit neglectful to my nieces and nephews so we have kind of universally agreed that my mom is not to watch any of our kids alone. I did give her the benefit of the doubt and trusted her to feed the baby and change him. Nothing more. Well, 3 weeks ago I come downstairs from a shower and my mom is feeding him a bottle that looked suspicious. I asked her if it was old and she said no. The bottle was hot to the touch. I took a pic of it and showed my sister, who said that it was very clearly a bottle of microwaved breastmilk. I got upset but kindly explained to my mom why you shouldn’t microwave breastmilk, which is because it can cause fat separation, nutrient loss and burn the baby’s mouth severely. She said she understood and we kinda forgot about it. A week later, I go to wash baby dishes and next to where she normally sits I find another microwaved bottle. I told her more firmly that if I saw it again, I would take the baby and leave. Lo and behold, Friday morning I hobble into the kitchen to get pump supplies and when I noticed my son wasn’t in the crib or with my dad, I got nervous. I went to my mom and found yet ANOTHER microwaved bottle. I thought I was crazy, so I took it upstairs to my husband who agreed it was nuked and started packing. We went downstairs together and I explained to my parents that we were leaving. My mother vehemently denied microwaving the milk and my dad said he had prepared that bottle himself. I KNEW someone was lying because my eyes don’t lie. I took the baby from my mom and she went in one of her narcissistic rants about how “I guess I’m just a piece of shit.” So I told my dad it has nothing to do with him and I love him and we left.
My dad is extremely upset because he LOVES this baby. It’s his first biological grandchild and they already have a very special bond. But I had to stick to my word. My mom later admitted to my dad she did indeed reheat the milk in the microwave and she has since refused to speak to me or take accountability and apologize. But she can call my sister crashing out and saying I’m so mean and robbing her of her grandson… sigh.
Anyways, AITA here?
NTA – People like her (and children) need to have boundaries and consequences. It’s the same people who don’t think that’s fair.
NTA. I was a childcare provider for years with additional education and licensure in infant/toddler care during those years. I live in Massachusetts and it is strictly against State policy to microwave breastmilk and feeding milk in general. It’s also universally discouraged and not recommended for the exact reasons you stated. Milk should be warmed with a bottle warmer or warm/hot water, and should always be skin tested to the touch before feeding. Your mother lied, and you did nothing wrong by setting boundaries, even if that means physical separation. Your dad loves your baby, but his wife created consequences that he has to accept and either work on with her or accept that you aren’t comfortable leaving your baby alone with them at their home as a result of your mother’s actions
NTA. It is a safety issue.
Have you talked to your dad? Now that he knows you are dead serious about walking out, he might agree that he will be the one to feed and care for baby when you visit. Mom is never, ever to be alone with the baby or to do any bottle preparation or care.
I tried calling him and he didn’t answer, I’m gonna give it a day or two to settle and try again. This is definitely the route I plan on taking but thank you for affirming that it was so wrong of her to do that to my milk. I spend 3+ hours a day attached to a pump and seeing my milk ruined stings in a way I never expected.
Never leave your baby with your mother again. She can’t be trusted. NTA
NTA, dont give into your moms tantrum – she proved she will ignore your wishes if she wants to do something different, thus is not safe to be unsupervised with your baby.
However I think you also need to have a chat with your dad – clearly he also thought it was acceptable to lie to your face that he made the bottle, just to protect your mom and keep the baby around – knowing that this is not in the babys best interest. Reevaluate how much you can actually trust his judgement and actions to put baby over his own and your mothers selfish desires.
No, my dad did make the bottle. My baby ate a little of it, and about 15min later he wanted more and my mom wanted to feed him so she decided to toss the bottle in the microwave to reheat it. My dad was totally unaware that she did that. Trust me when I say he would never allow her to lie if he didn’t fully believe that she wouldn’t have reheated a 20 minute old bottle.
Oh okay, I misunderstood that then. Thats relieving, at least you have your dad who you can trust. But seriously dont give into your mom – if she says she is getting robbed of her grandson oh well – better a grandma getting robbed of her grandson because of her own choices, than a grandson getting robbed of his health because of his grandmas choices. And she will not change in the future – now its bottles, in later years it will be other things that she will do differently than instructed as soon as you turn your back. See it as practice to not give in now and stand your ground, and keep the boundaries firm. I wish you all the best and lots of happy moments with your baby!
Thank you! And you’re correct, she is throwing a tantrum. She was a drug addict and has never taken responsibility for anything so I’m very unsurprised by these events, just sad she’s so selfish she can’t even properly care for her grandchild