Hi everyone. I (29F) need an outside perspective on a long-term family conflict involving my parents.
I left home at 21 and have been working abroad for about 8 years. I come from a poor background. My dad worked as a fisherman for over 30 years and was away most of the year. My mom raised me and my two brothers mostly on her own. Despite this, all three of us became successful adults, and for years my older brother and I financially supported our family, including paying for my younger brother’s education. For the past five years, I’ve been the main one supporting my parents financially.
Here’s where it gets complicated.
My dad has always been a heavy drinker. Growing up, he never physically abused my mom, but when he drank, he became verbally aggressive, distant, and emotionally unavailable. Drinking was (and still is) a daily habit. Even when he was home from work, he would mostly drink and sleep rather than engage with us as a family.
In recent years, my mom had an affair. She and my dad are technically still together, but he now knows about it. Since finding out, my dad drinks even more and constantly tells us how miserable his life is, how much he sacrificed for us, and how ungrateful everyone is. When drunk, he yells at my mom and says very hurtful things.
I understand that my dad worked incredibly hard for decades to provide for us, and I do feel gratitude for that. At the same time, his drinking has been a constant source of stress and pain for my mom and my younger brother, who still lives with them and witnesses everything.
Recently, my dad sent me messages complaining about how terrible his life is. I lost my patience and told him that if he had addressed his drinking and been emotionally present, my mom might not have looked for comfort elsewhere. I wasn’t trying to excuse the affair, but I was trying to point out that his behavior contributed to the situation.
Now I feel torn. Part of me feels guilty because he did sacrifice so much financially for us. Another part of me feels like his drinking and emotional neglect don’t get erased just because he provided money.
So, AITA for calling him out and saying that his drinking played a role in what happened, even though he worked for decades to support us?
NTA. You’ve stepped up for your family as an older sibling in a BIG way and your dad’s drinking impacted how you all interact with the world.
Sometimes heavy drinkers need the wake up call that their heavy drinking wasn’t as pain-free as they thought. If he’s drinking so much he doesn’t remember how awful he was to his supposed loved ones then he needed the call out.
ESH: I am person that fully believes that there is zero excuses for cheating especially when you are married. If your mother was so unhappy with her marriage, then she should have left him. Your father has every right to be angry that his wife who made vows to be loyal had an affair. You know yourself that you would be hurt, disappointed, and angry that your spouse had an affair.
However your father needs to get his drinking under control. It’s unhealthy for children to grow up in the home of an alcoholic. It’s created chaos and instability in a home for children. Your mother should have removed y’all from that environment.
You are rightly frustrated about being involved in your parent’s marriage. You tired of seeing your father drinking and the destruction it causes. You are tired of your mother being demeaned and insulted.
NTA. What you said was true. He needed to hear it. And probably will need to be told it many more times. Don’t feel guilty because he did the bare minimum of paying for life he created.
However, I wouldn’t downplay his actions either. You left when you were relatively young, and his “verbally aggressive” behavior was likely a world worse to your mother when you weren’t present. It IS abuse. Kids often have no idea how deep it goes because the other parent often acts as a shield from the worse. So tbh, maybe you didn’t go hard enough. Encourage and help your mom to get out. Your dad made his bed.
It seems to me that it was you and your brother who made the financial sacrifices, not your father.
Your parent’s marriage is no body’s business but their own and they should stop involving you in it.
NTA. As a recovering alcoholic, I can tell you that what you told him will, if he’s lucky, work in the background of his mind and may eventually influence him to quit.
NTA
NTA. Your mum and sibling have been on the receiving end of what sounds like emotional abuse and a very negative upbringing. This is your family, and you and your sibling should not have had to experience that. Whatever your father’s coping mechanism was, he shouldn’t have treated his family the way he did. Most partners would have left him ages ago. His vice was drinking, and after years of that your mum may have sought kindness from someone who was nice to her. He needs to have a reality check on himself first before blaming others for why he’s unhappy.
You need to quit being the main finaincial support for your parents. You’re 28. How do you see this ending? All of you need better communications and boundaries. Read the book Codependent No More
NTA. An affair is a predictable consequence of his heavy drinking, though it’s not the honest consequence that a divorce would have been.
I observe that his method of handling his heavy drinking problem is to drink even more so that he can better forget the problem and how miserable his life is due to his drinking.
NTA – Your dad is an alcoholic unfortunately, and quitting alcohol is extremely difficult (and dangerous) without psychological and medical support.
Alcohol is one of the worst drugs that exist.
I know two people that quit drinking after many, many years (both wives left because of this) and they both told me it was a life or death decision.
Your mom probably tried to help him stop drinking, but after three decades she gave up. Three decades is a lot of time.
What you said is harsh to hear maybe but it might be the wake up call he needs to get better.
And I hope it does.
NTA. You’re right about your dad’s drinking and he shouldn’t be putting you in the middle of his shit with your mom. All you did was tell the truth, no shame in that. His marriage isn’t your business and he needs to stop involving you in it.
Definitely NTA. The truth hurts, but it has to be said. If that doesn’t wake him up, then he’s a lost cause.