I have been friends with “M” for a little over five years. We’ve celebrated New Year’s together almost every year except one, when she lived abroad for a while.
Even though we’ve known each other for a long time, I’ve never truly felt comfortable around her. She tends to act very controlling, gets jealous whenever I spend time with anyone else, and expects me to share every detail of my life with her. If I’m honest about my plans or feelings, she gets offended and makes everything about herself.
Because of this, I often hide things from her – even harmless stuff like hanging out with my boyfriend – just to avoid her passive-aggressive comments or guilt-tripping.
Recently I finally found a healthy friend group and a boyfriend who supports me and respects my boundaries. I feel much more grounded and safe with them than I ever did with her. So this year I decided I don’t want to celebrate New Year’s in the same way as before.
A few days ago we had this conversation:
Her: “What are your plans for New Year?”
Me: “I’m not sure yet.”
Her: “What do you mean you’re not sure? So you already have a plan that’s NOT with me?”
Me: “I want to go to [city], but I’m still thinking.”
Her: “What? To who? To celebrate??”
Me: “Yeah.”
Her: “With your boyfriend?? Seriously? Wow. I invited you SO many times to travel with me and you always refused. I’ve invited you to every holiday for YEARS and you do this? You didn’t even tell me anything.”
Me: “I said from the beginning I’m not sure yet.”
Her: “Well, good luck then. Go hang out with your boyfriend 🙂 Clearly you two have the same interests 😜😜😜”
Her last messages really annoyed me, so I didn’t reply.
I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong by wanting to celebrate somewhere else, with people who actually respect me. But the guilt is creeping in because we’ve known each other for so long.
AITA for telling her I want to spend New Year’s in another city instead of with her?
NTA…This doesn’t sound like a friendship that deserves any more attention. Do what you want, have a good time, and have no regrets.
NTA and trust me you should get away from this person. I had a friend like that for years — if I did anything with anyone else they took it as a personal attack, and every time I did hang out with them I’d get guilt-tripped. I finally did cut them off when they did something horrible to a mutual friend, but it shouldn’t have taken that long. This person makes you uncomfortable. You don’t like hanging out with her. You don’t have to keep being friends.
She’s not a friend, she’s an emotional leech. NTA.
She’s not a real friend. She manipulates you like you’re her doll. Stop giving her information that she can use to gaslight you. A simple “I don’t know what I’m doing” will suffice or even a “I’m spending it with my BF”. Full stop. End of story. She’s not entitled to a full explanation. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known her. She’s toxic.
Go to the city you want to go to with the people you want to go with. If she doesn’t like it, too bad.
NTA, obviously. Your friend is possessive and obtuse. I wouldn’t have said I’m not sure though, bc you clearly *are sure* you don’t wish to spend the day with *her*. So just would’ve said from the jump that I’m spending NYD with my bf, which is true.
Yeah, I was definitely sure I didn’t want to spend the day with her. She asked me late at night when I was already half-asleep, so I got a bit confused in the moment. In the morning I told her I’d be going to another city.
NTA
This person is not your friend.
YTA for calling yourself friends with someone that you clearly don’t like.
NTA for wanting to do what you want to do. It seems natural to me that you would want to spend holidays with your boyfriend. That said, I am not sure M is really a friend to you, nor you a friend to her. If she were your friend, she wouldn’t try to guilt you. Even you were her friend, you might consider doing something else with her around New Years or including her in your New Years plans. You said yourself, she doesn’t make you feel comfortable.
You need to cut out energy vampires from your life. Block her and enjoy your new friend group and boyfriend. If you don’t, then one day she will do something to mess all this up. NTA.
NTA. Might want to check the definition of friend.
NTA except to yourself for staying in this friendship. I had a friend like this and I found that once I stopped checking what I said to avoid upsetting her, I had so much more energy! A friend like this is actually surprisingly easy to drop because they do it for you once you become honest and take your time.
You’re totally entitled to do something different for NYE than past years. I’d say text her soon to just say that you just want to confirm you’re doing something else this year, so she knows she’s free to make other plans. If she pushes you for details just say the details aren’t finalized.
Start taking at least 30 min to respond to each text. Including an exchange like above. When she complains just say you can’t just sit staring at your phone waiting for her to text. If she asks what youre up to, wait several hours and say, I was with someone and couldn’t text.
Look into grey rock theory against someone – basically you stop sharing much with them, and just be fine but never share anything too good or bad.
Something that worked for me was whenever my friend said what are you up to this weekend, or Friday, etc. I’d say I have so much stuff to do, but how about coffee or a walk on Sunday morning? Then it was a controlled amount of time that I was willing to spend, but I knew it wasn’t her favorite option so she’d often decline, but she couldn’t say I never wanted to hang out, because it was just that our schedules didn’t line up.
NTA
“Clearly you two have the same interests.” Um, yes. Since he is your boyfriend, that seems sensible.
Ditto, ditto, ditto what others have said: she’s not someone who should have access to you or your life.
NTA
You already don’t like her, so take this opportunity to slide on out of her life.