For the main context, my wife is 5 months pregnant. She’s one of those people who need things done as soon as she tells you to do it.
Now for my part, i am the one who does dishes and laundry and cleaning most of the time. I help her out in cooking by prepping. I sometimes make brekkie but she DOES NOT like my cooking unfortunately. So she does most of the cooking.
I am mostly the emotionally mature one in our relationship. So even more than before, i try to be more patient with her demands because of her pregnancy. But sometimes when i am physically or mentally trained and need a short break, i tell her that I’ll do it later – just like what happened today.
I did all the dishes in the sink but she was still cooking. So some more piled up in another 15 minutes which she asked me to finish as well. I told her that I’ll finish those in a while. Then she starts being loud and does rest of the dishes herself (and i don’t say or do anything about) and gives me silent treatment for rest of the day.
Now i genuinely wanna know if AITA for not following up with everything she wants at that same time especially considering her situation?
“Hey honey, I’m pretty drained because of X, Y, and Z. Is this something you need done right now, or can I finish decompressing before starting another task?”
You say you’re the “emotionally mature one in our relationship”, but you can’t communicate a simple feeling, even when you know your wife has a personality of liking things done right away, and those feelings are exacerbated by her pregnancy?
Mild YTA, only for not communicating.
(Also, food for thought, if she doesn’t get to be too tired to cook, it’s kinda crummy that you get to be too tired to do the cooking clean up)
He’s more emotionally mature than the one giving the silent treatment because her husband didn’t jump as soon as she told him to do something. Now he has to ask for permission to decompress?
Where did he say that she doesn’t get to be too tired to cook?
YTA for the way you talk about her. It isn’t “helping” her. YOU should be an equal partner. You are not the mature one in the relationship either. You are being a jerk. She is following suit with how you treat her and giving it back to you.
Instead of thinking that all of the household chores are hers, YOU take responsibility for them. She is growing a whole human inside of her.
No, he only used the word help about prepping for meals by chopping when she does the cooking (because she doesn’t like his cooking.)
He states that he is “the one who does dishes and laundry and cleaning most of the time.”
OP is NTA, as long as he’s being honest – if he’s doing most of the dishes, laundry, and cleaning, and also assisting her when prepping for meals, then she has no reason to overreact like that just because he wants to take a break before doing some more dishes.
ESH. You kinda suck for saying you are the emotionally mature one. She sucks for giving you the silent treatment.
NTA, but you can solve this problem by telling her exactly when “later” is and sticking to it. Whatever her anxieties are makes “later” sound like “never” so maybe “I’m drained, give me 20 and I’ll get back to it” might help her trust you will actually do it.
>Then some more piled up
All by themselves? Random passive voice means there’s something you’re trying to obscure. So it’s likely that YTA.
INFO: Why do you think you’re the more mature one?
INFO: Do you regularly say that you’ll do something and then forget about it/leave it for longer than you say you will? Did she need the items that were dirty to cook at that time/were they in the way for cooking she needed to do?
It could be that she’s being unreasonable and demanding. Or it could be that you’ve proven your word isn’t reliable and that by saying you’ll do it in a bit it means you’re not going to do it and if she’s going to end up doing it she might as well do it now instead of waiting for you to let her down for the umpteenth time.
There’s not enough info to say which one it is.
ESH. I’d advise everyone to work on their communication. For a lot of women, myself included, and especially while pregnant all you see is a to-do list and your brain will not stop unless that list is at least significantly reduced. It usually revolves around clutter and everyday chores.
If you saw the dishes pile up and sat down I’d advise you to be proactive and say hey hun I’m going to finish the remainder of the dishes in X minutes. Also my guess might be when you typically say later you both have a difference sense of what later is.
Silent treatment for a full day is unreasonable but also the way you talk about your wife and soon to be mother of your child is disrespectful so I’m questioning if there’s more to the story.
YTA, because of the way you spoke to her, claiming to be the emotionally mature one when both of you have communication problems and by acting as if you are taking chores off her, you live there they are your chores.
Your wife doesn’t get to be too tired to cook but you get to be too tired to wash up.
Where did the extra dishes come from, how long had the washing up been waiting, you said you did some, how long since it was all done and clear?
Personally I hate having to cook in a kitchen full of dirty dishes.
As a cook you constantly find what you need is dirty, I would guess that’s what’s happened here?
If you want to be in a happy marriage, start being a partner.
You haven’t provided enough specifics to reach a solid conclusion. How old are you guys? How long have you been together? Is this your first baby? Is she under any other kind of stress?
Also, it reads like you’re glossing over many important factors. What do you mean, “more patient than usual”? To me, that indicates a pattern of interaction. What happens when you’re NOT as patient? Why are you needing to be patient? What other conflicts have popped up?
She asked you to do more dishes then did them herself. How much time elapsed between your saying, “I’ll do them later,” and her getting up to do them? These “minor” details actually add the context needed to make a determination. Otherwise, this all reads like super vague generalities.
The way you phrase things makes it seem like YTA. Sounds like you’re not telling the full story, that you’re sugarcoating or making things sound less severe to gain our sympathy. Like the dishes piles up by themselves, “a few minutes” likely means 2 hours rather than 5 minutes and why do you say you’re “helping” her when it’s equally your responsibility?
Your wife is 5 months pregnant, take responsibility and also make an effort and learn how to cook. It’s not that hard, follow a recipe. Your wife not liking your cooking is likely due to your food actually not being tasty and you don’t mind that because it means you don’t have to cook. That’s weaponized incompetence. Cooking is a massive chore that no one, especially not a pregnant woman, should have the sole responsibility for.
“I am mostly the emotionally mature one”
YTA for thinking and even saying that. Just do the dishes; she’s literally carrying your child.