I am 19 and live at home. Over the past year and a half my mum has repeatedly asked me for money. The first time was £500 from my first ever paycheck from a short internship which she said she would pay back but never did. Since then I have given her £160, then £300 for my older brother whos in his thirties when he was at risk of losing his housing, and recently £1000 because she said her business would be shut down if she did not pay.All of this money apart from the first £500 has come from my student finance.
I use my student finance to support myself because my mum cannot afford to give me money, so I cover my own expenses. I am already in overdraft and after clearing that and paying for a flight I need to take, I will have basically nothing left. Despite this she asked me for another £500 saying the rent had been missed and that we could be evicted, and I felt pressured and guilty and sent it.
What is really bothering me is that she is now pushing me to get a job and said one of the reasons is so I can help her clear her debts. None of the money she has borrowed from me has been paid back. I love my mum and I know she is under a lot of stress, but I am starting to feel like my income is being seen as something she is entitled to. Am I wrong for wanting to draw a line or am I being selfish?
NTA! You have to out yourself first.
NTA. “What is really bothering me is that she is now pushing me to get a job and said one of the reasons is so I can help her clear her debts.”
YOU are NOT responsible for your mom’s debts. HOWEVER since you live at home, are you paying rent, buying food, or helping out with the utilities? If not, you should be contributing in some way. Anyway, do not go into debt to help her.
NTA, stop giving her money, and accept you’re not getting any of the other money back.
Also pushing you to get a job to pay her debts is verging on financial abuse. You should also be on the look out to make sure she doesn’t take loans or credit cards in your name
This is a good point OP. You should lock your credit so no loans are taken out in your name.
She will never pay you back. You must draw the line. Helping her be a sponge is hurting you both. NTA, cut her off.
NTA! I get we love our parents but that way you will only end up the situation.. let me give you my story.. So I started earning early and as usual bought lots of things for my brother (same age as me but doesn’t want to work).. however along the way I saw that everytime he calls me is for money or some help.. I refused a few times and damn my parents tell me to give money to him since he has no job…
The thing is you can’t reason with them they will only think you are being selfish.. you can’t explain either you can only become a bad guy or continue to provide…
Sadly but yes I still provide to him since I have no one other than my family but sometimes I just show them my account to let them know I have no money..since the bills also drain my account.. guess once I move out might things start going well..
NTA. This is a comment I see a lot here on Reddit: don’t light yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
You need to put yourself first, use the financial aid money for your education and your future.
NTA
Sit down and have a conversation about reasonable rent since you were 18. Work out how much your mother has “borrowed” from you since then, and that covers it (possibly more, you won’t see it back though). Pay that much towards household costs, no more. In the UK, a good way to assess this would be to check your local authority single room housing rate for your area.
Many students, unfortunately, still have to work to make ends meet, so you might have to consider getting a job: use that money to save for a deposit to move out as your mother is financially abusing you. Could student welfare services help?
NTA live in student accommodation and you will get more aid and less of a headache.
Be very careful about using your student money for other purposes. You need to just tell her no. Even if it means you have to move out and find other accommodation you need to end the money train to her and let her love the consequences of her own choices.
Nta.
I would sit her down and go through her finances to find the gaps.
Then, if reasonable, explain that you are in debt for money she owes you and come up with a payment plan, to be paid on the days she gets paid. $5 per pay cycle is fine.
Now, explain that you do not have money to loan, as you are taking time away from study to make yhe money you need to survive, and will be meeting your exact needs, no more.
If she asks you about birrowing money, tell her you’re keen to help by jumping on a video chat to run through her finances to see where things went wrong. If you see an extra payment for clothes and luxury items, suggest she sells them to pay for rent.
She is an adult and should be able to manage her own finances.
NTA. Students living at home with parents receive substantially less SFE than those who don’t because you’re expected not to have any bills, like rent. If your mum is charging you that it obviously not the case. Living in your overdraft is not a good idea, as you do need to pay that back at some point. I’d outright tell her you cannot afford to give her any money. And stop “lending” her money. She has no intention of paying it back, she’s only saying that to get you to give it to her.
1) it is not your responsibility to clear her debts
2) she’s using you. I suggest you call her bluff and tell her you are in debt and you now need that $500 she’s promised to pay back for your bills. You are tapped out. Stick to your guns here. Do not waiver.
3) find your own place to live.
NTA
NTA for telling her no. YTA to yourself for not shutting this down sooner. Her expecting rent is reasonable. So you need to discuss what’s a fair rate and when it’s due. Tell her you’ll be deducting the rent from what she owes you until it’s caught up. Then start paying her.
Make sure she can’t access your bank account. If she’s ever been on a bank account with you at your current bank switch to another one. Do not lend her anymore money. (You’ve learned why people say never loan money you can’t afford to lose). If possible get a part time job (even 10-15 hours a week can give you a bit of breathing room financially). Don’t give her any details on this. She doesn’t need to know. Don’t pay any of her debt. She chose to take that on, not you. Work on building up your savings so you can look at moving out once you’ve graduated. And make sure your credit is locked down. Don’t let her try to get loans or anything in your name.