I (21F) want to start off by saying I don’t feel entitled to my parent’s money at all. I have worked hard to make it so that I can provide for myself as soon as I realized I wasn’t going to get the same help.
My parents are decently well off, and because of this, they like to help out with friends and extended family by giving them money or things like phones/computers/etc. My sister (19F) has always been the child who was paid more attention to financially and emotionally (ex: she was taken to the hospital for the same things I was told weren’t that serious).
I’ve been expected to be financially responsible for things since I was 16. My parents pay for my rent at school, but I have to pay for everything else (utilities/water, tuition, medication, textbooks, food, etc.) with a part-time job on top of my heavy class schedule (engineering).
My sister is getting all of her schooling paid for by them and was gifted a new computer setup with dual monitors. My parents bought her a car at 16, but let me know beforehand that I was expected to buy my own car. My sister asked to apply to work a job, but they forbade her from it, whereas I was forced to work a part-time job since I was 16. I have to fund “fun” purchases on my own and I get berated for my choices (the most I’ve spent is $500 that I was gifted through an org scholarship to buy a computer for school). My sister is given an allowance, and when she burns through that early, they give her more money anyway. I am also expected to pay for her outings whenever we are home.
I brought up this discrepancy once when my dad was getting upset with me for wanting to buy a $100 camera with my own money. Instead of addressing what I was saying, he bought the camera I was looking at and shipped it to my apartment at school, so I wasn’t really allowed to be mad anymore.
This issue was brought up again when I was trying to work out a health insurance issue. I was referred to see a specialist ASAP by my doctor due to something looking concerning and my hair falling out, but I couldn’t be seen because something was wrong with the insurance. Since my dad is the insurance holder, I brought this up to him and asked him to look into it (I had already done my due diligence and called/emailed around with no solution). He delayed any action until he realized that the insurance issue also extended to my sister (he said this to me like it was funny).
I ended up getting very frustrated and yelled at both him and my mom for not taking anything seriously when it came to me. I said that the only people they care about are themselves and my sister. Their response was that I’m spoiled and that I shouldn’t be paying attention to stuff like that. I’ve been sulking all winter break in my room and feel the need to apologize, but I’m embarrassed for losing my temper because I /am/ in a very privileged position of life and they do pay my rent.
AITA for yelling at them and accusing them of not caring about me as much as my sister?
NTA. That sounds like blatant favouritism. Whilst yelling isn’t great, your feelings are valid and don’t apologise for them.
Maybe write it all out, a list of what she received and what you did and leave that with them when you go back to school. Stop paying for her outings.
Can I ask though? Are you fiercely independent in that they would have done more for you but you wouldn’t accept versus your sister who accepts all (from your account)?
I’m definitely not as stubborn when it comes to standing my ground for financial help because I feel like I’m not owed anything, but I do always ask for help, it just tends to get shut down quickly. I’ve talked about it with my sister because I didn’t know if the way I was asking for help was wrong, but she told me that she’s never really asked for help (other than for more money for trivial purchases), our parents just give her the help.
I think you should apologize.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry that I am not worthy of receiving the same love you give my sister. I’m sorry I’m not good enough to get a car for my 16th birthday, like my sister. I’m sorry, for not being worth payments for my tuition and future and finally, I’m sorry for thinking my health was important to you.”
Something like that maybe? Maybe that would make them realize?
NTA
This isn’t about entitlement, it’s about clear favoritism and not being taken seriously, especially with your health. That frustration built up over years. You can regret yelling without being wrong about why you’re hurt.
NTA. You were bound to snap eventually when they clearly treat you worse than your sister. The money stuff is annoying for sure but what broke the camels back and what’s most appalling to me personally is that you were having urgent health issues and he didn’t care to even look at it until she happened to need the insurance too. If it is/was something serious he could’ve done serious harm to you by just not caring enough.
NTA
I’ll bet your parents are going to be shocked when the only person they have to take care of them is your sister that they’re raising to be a deadbeat.
And the sister will not want to……
NTA. This is weirdly similar to my experience growing up. My little sister was always the favorite. They’d take her to the hospital over any little thing. Meanwhile I suffered a major concussion and was fully unconscious for nearly an hour AND broke 2 ribs in an accident, and they refused to take me to the hospital until I collapsed at school 7 days later and they were forced to. And then when the x rays showed broken ribs they didnt even apologize. Started working at 13 and bought my own car at 16. Moved out at 17 because life was so bad. My father came to where I lived in the middle of the night and stole my car and gave it to my sister…. you deserve better. I know how you feel. My advice is to get financially independent so you can get away from them. It was the best choice I ever made. Good luck op
NTA obviously.
Maybe you could hold back your frustration until you graduate and cut those fuckers out of your life.
NTA I agree that writing it all out, comparing you and your sister and then anything else that applies to you both individually. It’s hard for them to say that you’re spoilt and imagining it when it’s all down on paper.
You can write how all of that has made you feel over the years. If nothing else, I think it may help for you to write it all out.
I’d just write it in a way that doesn’t feel like an attack, just evidence. I’m so sorry because that does sound awful and no one deserves to feel less than.
NTA. Don’t apologise. They are terrible parents to show that extent of favouritism, and if you apologise they will think they are not that terrible.
NTA
Yes this is blatant favoritism. The urge to apologize is a result of you being made to feel guilty about wanting equal treatment, not because you’re in the wrong. See if you can access counselling for yourself.
However, they pay your rent and your health insurance. Can you afford to cut them off/rile them up/piss them off NOW??
Weigh out what YOU need from them before you burn any bridges. It sucks that your parents are such AH people, but use them for what you need while you can.
Count down until you can support yourself and cut them out of your life.
No one in this story besides you is taking any accountability this is not your fault don’t apologize
Stop referring to your sister by name and always call her The Golden Child. Brownie points if you do this in front of other people.
“Sorry but I cannot afford to take The Golden Child to the movies since she’s the only one of us that gets an allowance.”
“Can The Golden Child help me set the table for dinner?”
“I would prefer The Golden Child drive since I had to buy my own car and I pay for my own gas but her’s was a free gift from you and you pay all her bills.”
“Will The Golden Child have to spend her own money on Christmas gifts like I have to, or are you going to pay for that like you pay for everything else for her?”
This will piss your parents off but don’t stop unless/until they start treating you more equally. In my experience (my sister was The Golden Child in my home growing up) it embarrasses them and will over time make them see the disparity of their treatment.