Me (25M) and my mom (61F) have not had the best relationship for quite some time. A lot of this stems from money problems. She helped me quite a few times when I was like in the 19 to 21 age range and was making stupid decisions with money. I have always told her that I am forever grateful that she helped me during those times, even though I ended up having to declare bankruptcy anyway because of my stupidity.
I do understand the mistakes of my past. However, she frequently guilts me for these things that happened 5 to 7 years ago. I do still live with her, as I am in my final year of university. It’s difficult to live with her while dealing with this. Therefore, I have been spending more and more time with my fiance. I met him a year and a half ago and we got engaged this past summer.
The most recent issue with my mother is when I declared my intention to move in with my fiance, and she now says I am abandoning her. That household has me, her, my cousin and aunt in it. It’s too much for me. I have 100% intentions of maintaining full contact with my mother, and don’t want any bridges to be burnt. But her and the family also treat me like a kid constantly, maybe because I am autistic, but everyone outside the family sees how unfair it is to me.
Therefore, AM I THE ASSHOLE for wanting to simply rectify the issue by moving in with my fiance, where him and his family have a generous offer of allowing me to live rent free until I finish school next summer, and then I can pay some rent after.
My mom does paint me as the asshole and I want honest but constructive opinions on this.
NTA – but you could have a warm talk with your mom where you thank her, tell her you appreciate her but you have reasons for wanting to exercise some independence. You are 25 years old, afterall.
Thank you very much for your reply. I appreciate the insight.
NTA. Guilts you while you stay, guilts you for leaving, sounds like she’ll play the guilt game no matter what you’ll do so do what makes you the most comfortable. She sounds like she’s dealing with her own issues and pinning them on you. I’d highly recommend independent living with your fiance if/when you can afford it.
Thank you for the reply. And to clarify, yes me and my fiance have full intentions of living in our own place when we both graduate from university next summer. But for now, living with him and his family I believe is the best option for me. I do work, but its retail so not high paying so we are a bit limited right now.
NTA. Just have a talk with mom and assure her that you are not abandoning her. Tell her that you are thankful for all she has given you, but you are an adult and need to take the next step in your life. You can also mention that your last year of university is very intense and there are too many distractions at home to focus on your studies.
And reassure her that you’ll be round for a meal and catch-up every so many weeks. Being independent doesn’t equate to ghosting.
NTA.
Live your life, don’t let her control you. Be respectful as you plan to be, and she’ll come around eventually.
Abandoning her? It’s not your responsibility to take care of her. She’s had her entire life to figure things out. If she still can’t take care of herself, that’s her problem.
You are a grown ass adult who can live where you want. Do not let her make you feel guilty for making a sensible choice that any adult can and will make when they get engaged. NTA
NTA. Kids are supposed to carve out independent lives from their parents when they can. it is parents’ jobs to prepare their kids for that and even to nudge them into it if and when the kids are ready and able to adult. It is true that, for some people and for many reasons, multi-generational living works well. That is also not true for every family, and it can be harder for younger generations to transition to appropriate adult boundaries/relationships under those circumstances. Depending on family dynamics, multi-generational living can also be harmful to the emotional growth, maturation, and/or mental health of those under the same roof.
NTA tell your mom that you love her and thank her for raising you so good that you finally have the courage that you are a grown up that can live with her friend. And make plans to live together ams not for a lifetime with your inlaws.
Info: have you paid your mother back?