I’m probably the AH, but maybe not?
I am Jewish. My ex-wife is an atheist who was raised Christian but never did Santa growing up. Our child is being raised Jewish according to Jewish Law. We agreed from the get go that our child would be Jewish. My Ex has always been and continues to be supportive of raising our child Jewish.
In the twelve years we were together, we celebrated Xmas twice, non consecutively. I asked every year if she wanted to celebrate, and the two times she said yes, I bought and helped decorate the tree, and made a Xmas dinner and dessert. Both times though, were before we had a child, and while I kept asking if she wanted to celebrate Xmas, as just because our child and I are Jewish, this shouldn’t take away from the relationship she could build with them. She always said no. So our child has never celebrated Xmas.
After school recently our child asked me if Santa was real. They overheard some kids saying Santa isn’t real. They were sad because they thought it wasn’t fair that, if Santa was real, Santa didn’t give everyone gifts, just Christians. And that they have never gotten a gift from Santa.
So I told them that Santa isn’t real because I thought the truth would comfort them, and it did. I was thinking of my kid’s feelings, and it didn’t even occur to me to ask my Ex before answering.
My Ex is pissed. She loves the whimsy of childhood, believing in magic and such. Unbeknownst to me, she was planning on doing Xmas with the tree and Santa next year (not this year because she just moved and it’s just too much for her right now). Now I ruined this special moment for her and our child in future Xmases. I didn’t know that was her plan, she hadn’t told me prior, and historically, she’s barely celebrated Xmas at all, not even really in her childhood. Her closest family – her brother – converted to Islam when he got married so she doesn’t really have family that celebrates the holiday either (her parents have both passed many years now, sadly).
Sometimes I feel justified, because I was considering my child’s feelings foremost, and it’s helped them deal with the constant inundation of Santa and feeling left out, and it hasn’t diminished their enjoyment of Santa and Xmas.
Other times I feel like the AH because my ex and I are good communicators otherwise, and have done a good job creating a healthy post-marriage relationship. I made a decision about something regarding our child that I didn’t realize would effect her so much. All the other big decisions we make regarding our kid we make together. I see it now. At the time all I was thinking about was how to comfort my child.
I feel guilty about hurting my relationship with my Ex, and making a big decision without them. But I don’t feel guilty that I told my child the truth, because it’s helped them deal with being Jewish during a season that can be really alienating for Jewish / non-Christian kids.
NTA. Kids know or find out. He asked and you were honest. Better than your son thinking you are a liar. But I understand the dilemma. I was an AH years ago when I let it slip that Santa wasn’t real to my daughter. Still feel bad about it 36 years later. I remember her shocked face: “Santa isn’t real?” 😢
Last year I asked my 6-year-old granddaughter if Santa had come to visit (they were at her cousin’s) and she acted like I was an idiot: “Santa is daddy!” You can’t win. 🤣
NTA. If your child is talking to other children about Santa and whether he’s real, then it’s too late for your ex to introduce that particular bit of whimsy and magic of childhood. What’s more, your ex wants to wait a whole year? That’s just bizarro. And what is your ex going to say to your child? “For most of your life, Santa shunned *you* because [reasons], but this year, you have been deemed worthy of Santa.” None of your ex’s plans make the least bit of sense.
This is all over the place. Your Santa equals Christian line is just wrong and not going to help anything.
Even atheist kids have Santa sometimes. This should have been a conversation if only for the sake of a united front but you aren’t an asshole for wanting your kid to feel better.
Ftr, “Santa only comes to those who believe and want him to do so” has gotten us a long ways with multiple kids.
NTA
If your ex had been planning on doing all that this year, then might have been different, given that your child already had their doubts, there would be no WAY that would have worked next year. Either your ex is struggling with your child growing up and starting to be able to exercise critical thinking, or she’s looking to create drama and that plan never existed in the first place … (maybe a bit of both?!)
If your ex is not accepting apology/explanation then she just needs to gtf over it, your child’s feelings are important and it appears from their reaction that you did exactly the right thing.
Def not trying to create drama. She isn’t that kind of person. She is just hurt because of the missed opportunity, and that a big decision was made without her. I respect that. I don’t necessarily think I was wrong though, either. But I don’t think she is the AH in anyway.
NTA. You have no duty to lie to a child about an observance of a holiday that they have never celebrated, you had no awareness of their other parent’s plan to introduce that observance in the future, and had no reasonable grounds to suspect that they night do so. The onus was on mom to communicate her plans to you, not for you to anticipate the unlikely possibility.
Also, by the time your child asks, they want to know the truth. That is the time you tell them. Many 6 year olds have figured out that magic isn’t real. Next year, age 7? Way too late. Kids get teased at that age if they think Santa is real, and your smart kid would have so these questions about why Santa never came before.
NAH I honestly think this is more of a miscommunication issue though if you were careful with how you presented it to your kid I think more NTA.
Also I am the child of an interfaith household where we did celebrate christmas: I never once believed in Santa.
My mom (Jewish) was the one who told my older sibling Santa wasn’t real. She said something like “Some people need a symbol to represent kindness and good cheer. Santa is that for Christians”. She also warned her not to break the magic for other kids.
You know how I found out? My sister told me when I was 2. 🤣 (god bless older siblings).
Personally I don’t get why parents get so freaked out over this, whether it’s a parent or peers or a malicious sibling, the kid is going to find out at some point. Also I had many “happy” christmases knowing it was my parents and not some nice white guy who got my gifts.
So, your child has never celebrated Christmas or experienced Santa, but your wife is upset that you took away the potential opportunity to have a future Christmas with Santa? It doesnt sound like you did anything wrong since you weren’t bursting your childs magical bubble by revealing that Santa isn’t real. Sounds like she’s just upset that you had a ‘serious’ conversation with your child without consulting her first. It doesnt seem like you were being malicious, so NTA
NTA. You either consistently have Santa bringing presents or you don’t. “I might have wanted to do it at some point in the future” doesn’t cut it. Your kiddo had never celebrated Christmas and frankly, if they’re already asking if Santa’s real, it’s too late to suddenly introduce the concept. That doesn’t mean they can’t enjoy Christmas. The tree, the songs, the decorations, the food, the presents… There’s still a lot to enjoy without believing in Santa.
NTA. Everyone who lies to their children and then gets mad that others don’t participate in the lie is an AH. And your ex was playing to START a Santa tradition when the kid is 7, an age when most of the other kids will have had the deception revealed? You’re the only adult making sense.
The kid is 6 years old already, never celebrated xmas, and all of a sudden your ex wanted to bring in Santa?! Most kids stop believing when they are 8/9, seems like she was just making an excuse to get mad.
NAH
This is something that should have been discussed well beforehand. But since no one had discussed it before your strategy of not lying to a kid who asks is reasonable.
Lying to your kid to force them to believe is not a good outcome.
She made a decision about next year without informing you. You made a split decision to not lie to your kid and told his mom immediately. You are also concerned about damaging the relationship with your son’s mother.
NTA
NTA. The kid is Jewish she agreed to raise the kid as Jewish. If she wanted her Jewish kid to celebrate the Christmas holiday, that should have been made explicit a long time ago. Also, it’s pretty weird to randomly decide to celebrate Christmas after not doing so for the kid beforehand.