I am struggling with whether I am wrong for saying no to my dad staying with me temporarily, and I am looking for an outside perspective.
Growing up, I wanted for nothing. We had a warm home, loving parents, and a family environment that felt open and welcoming. One of my happiest memories is just seeing a pile of shoes by the front door, a sign that the house was full and food was being shared. Friends were always welcome, and my dad was generous. If he has he gives.
That changed when my dad ran into financial trouble through property and other ventures. He remortgaged our family home. My mum was firmly against it, but he convinced us as children to support the decision and help him get my mum onboard, by telling us one deal would change everything. It did not. Debts went unpaid, and my parents eventually lost the house. They are now effectively homeless and staying with family while renting the property out.
When my dad needed somewhere to stay ‘just for a short while,’ he moved in with me. That short while turned into months and put strain on my marriage. He still talks about deals and opportunities and refuses to register as homeless for housing support due to pride and a belief that positive thinking will fix things. He feels getting comfortable would kill his drive, but instead he keeps chasing big deals, which is stressful to watch.
After housing him for over six months, he moved into an Airbnb. When money gets tight, he asks to come back for -‘just a few days.’ The last time this happened, my husband said no, pointing out that I have three brothers and the responsibility should be shared. I agreed and told my dad he could not stay with us.
He was upset and has said before that if I do not help him, I’ll make him depressed. What hurts is that setting this boundary seems to erase everything I have already done, including housing him, paying towards food and rooms, and helping with admin and applying for benefits. I have children and run my own business, and the constant urgent requests from him and lack of organisation pushes me to burnout.
My dad believes I have abandoned him by refusing to let him stay again, while I feel I have reached my limit and need to protect my own family and mental health.
Am I the arse hole?
NTA – what you’re describing at the beginning is the bare minimum a parent should be doing for the children they choose to have. It’s irrelevant to the rest of the story imo. You owe nothing.
If he was willing to help himself I’d be a little more sympathetic but he sounds a bit chaotic and inconsistent and that sounds stressful.
Unfortunately the end description is spot on.
He recently mention that ‘if he makes a mill from a deal, he will use it for more deals’ and it made me so annoyed. If you had 1 million would you not just finally relax? It’s all this ‘rolling of the dice’ that has us in this situation.
So he’s basically akin to a gambling addict. I’m sorry OP, that sounds exhausting.
You’re not erasing the good past by protecting your present/future.
He’s not homeless because you said no, he’s homeless because he refuses to fill out a form due to ‘pride’ while you’re the one actually managing his benefits applications. You’re not his parent, and you’ve already done far more than most would. The next time he mentions being depressed, tell him the number for a therapist and remind him you’re booked running a business and raising your actual children.
As someone who went through what your dad is going through, you are NTA. He is a grown ass man, responsible for himself and his own decisions – it does not matter that he raised you in comfort, that was his job, it is not your job to return the favour.
I would NEVER have guilt tripped my own kids in this way. I was painfully ashamed of how my situation turned out, and did everything to protect my children from the fall out. They did not even know how bad it actually was, because despite them now being adults, I still take my role as THEIR parent seriously, and do not wish to complicate their lives by turning the tables and making them care for me.
I am sorry your dad is being this way. It is ok to say no. He should have got a job by now, instead of making housing and feeding him your problem. He is entitled to benefits, and probably government housing – I find it shocking that he is too proud to apply for that, and would rather put that responsibility on his daughter.
Sorry you are going through this OP.
“Givers have to set limits because takers never do…” My sister is like this and boy isn’t it nice how your first “no” makes them 100% ungrateful for any and everything you’ve ever done? Why try further to win the approval of someone who’s willing to shit all over every huge favor you did them? Would you invest money into a mutual fund that set your entire balance to zero the first time the market dipped by 1 penny? Of course you wouldn’t, but that’s what giving to a person like this is tantamount to.
NTA, Your father has options and refuses to change his life and his decision making. Why should you uproot your life for someone who is a master manipulator. You will not make him depressed by saying no. It’s just another way he’s trying to manipulate you.
NTA- you already provided him with a lot of help by housing him for so long. while it sounds like he provided you with a really good childhood, that does not mean you owe him anything. he chose to be a parent and take the responsibility that comes with that title. especially if he is going to start trying to guilt trip you by saying it’ll make him depressed that’s a huge red flag that you shouldn’t overlook. you have given him more than enough help to get himself out of that spot. that responsibility is still his though and not for you to prioritize over your own responsibilities.
NTA.
Tell him you’re not willing to sacrifice your kids’ futures like he did to you and your siblings.
NTA for wanting to protect your space.
Look, if you hadn’t helped him at all, I’d say that you might be a soft Y TA given that you had a father that was there for you.
But you have THREE other siblings, and he keeps pegging up on your doorstep every time? And only yours? If you help him, he’ll make you depressed. It’s their turn to step up. You all had a great childhood. It’s your siblings turns to foot the bill, because if you’re expected to do it because they gave you a great childhood, so are they.
Tell your dad that you’re simply protecting your own relationship from his mistakes. You’ve offered assistance in the past, its your brother’s turn.
NTA. He sounds like a gambler: I’ll hit it big the next time. Just you see. You mention brothers so I assume you’re the only female, therefore he expects it of you and not them. Women are the support and he wouldn’t do that to his sons. You’ve given enough.
NTA. Your husband is right, you have three brothers who should be sharing in shouldering the burden. That they haven’t, or that your father refused their help because, “daughters are supposed to care for their parents,” isn’t something you should put on your shoulders.
I know, easier said than done.
NTA.
Your dad sounds like he is getting scammed by someone, was scammed by someone, or is a fool trying to scam someone.
Regardless of the situation, you’ve done the best you can and then gone above and beyond. Your father is an adult. Your father is not your child.
It is up to him to do whatever he can to recover from his bad decisions and take responsibility. Your helping him may be inhibiting his doing so, not because of you but because he seems the type to defer responsibility whenever he can.
Take care of you and your relationship.