Throwaway due to the fact they might see this.
Hello so a little background I and said friend are both educated fashion designers (we actually met on fashion school)
Now she’s getting married this summer. And asked me a week ago, if I wanted to sew her wedding dress, due to a conversation we had in school almost a decade ago.
Now the problem is she didn’t mention compensation for my time but that she would pay for the materials, and that sewing this would be my wedding present to them.
Being someone who works 45+ hours a week I feel conflicted on how I should go about asking for compensation, I think since I love sewing she sees it as me just doing something fun. With some of the inspo pics she’s send we are talking about 80+ hours of work (dresses that I looked up online are sold for 30k$ – 50K$ )
We’re talking hand cut lace, pearls on see through mesh.
I haven’t seen her final design yet as she wanted to try some dresses on before finalizing it. I feel uncomfortable asking about compensation but I also think my time is worth something and giving so much time away for free when I could do something else is also a big ask from a friend I see a couple times a year.
I counted and I have about 16 weekendsends to make the dress in total before the wedding (32 days)
Please help! I feel awfully conflicted on this!
NAH yet, but this needs a conversation immediately. She may genuinely think this is a fun passion project slash gift, while you’re seeing the reality of lost income and burnout. A reasonable option is to say you can either do it as a paid commission (maybe at a heavily discounted friend rate) or give a smaller, more realistic wedding gift instead. If she reacts badly to that, then it tips into NTA territory real fast.
NTA
It’s really presumptuous to put someone on the spot and ask for a big favor, but then frame it up as “this can be your wedding gift to me.”
If she’s going to utilize skills of someone she knows, she should expect to pay for the skills. If the person she knows wants to offer the skills as their wedding gift, that’s their prerogative, but I think it’s an AH move to ask someone for free labor/expertise.
I don’t think you’re an AH to ask for compensation, but I do think you need to have that discussion with her ASAP, bc right now, she’s thinking she’s going to get a wedding dress for $300 of fabric (or whatever fabric costs).
You *would* be an AH to delay this important conversation bc if she decides she needs to shift and order a dress elsewhere, she needs to be aware to give plenty of time to get the dress ordered/altered by a dress shop.
Previous:
INFO
>Now the problem is she didn’t mention compensation for my time but that she would pay for the materials, and that sewing this would be my wedding present to them.
What did you tell her a week ago when she asked you to sew the wedding dress and that it would be your wedding gift to her?
INFO…why didn’t YOU say something about compensation? Something along the lines of, “I don’t have that kind of tine for free projects.” The ball is in your court here.
NTA
A discussion a decade ago about making her future wedding dress doesn’t mean you will now do the work for free.
She’s designing the dress. She has the skills to make the dress. She can either make it herself or pay for the work. Politely tell her now that you’ll need time to give her the quote for your work once she gives you the design.
Get Paid Before Making The Dress.
>Now the problem is she didn’t mention compensation for my time but that she would pay for the materials, and that sewing this would be my wedding present to them.
No, the problem is that she quite clearly did mention compensation: zero in money. It would be your wedding gift to her. She’s been crystal clear to you what she thinks the compensation will be.
You need to step up and tell her you want actual money as compensation. ASAP. NAH for now but if you leave this unspoken because you don’t like confrontation, you **will** be the A.
Obviously, explain to her that this will cost you 32 days. She might be unaware of that.
OP, you could just tell her that you both know that the type of dress she is asking for retails for $30 -50k, precisely for the share about of work and time involved, so realistically you can not sew such a dress for free, because its asking to much. You can offer a discount if you wish, but she knows deep down that she is asking for too much. She’s just hoping you’re too polite to bring it up. NTA
NTA, but I think part of your problem is the way you’re framing it, by calling the payment “compensation”. That makes it sound like she has wronged you in some way and has to make up for it. Asking for “compensation” may get her back up, and perhaps that’s why the idea of requesting it is making you feel awkward.
I think you should aim for a businesslike tone to this transaction – and businesses don’t ask for “compensation” when they take on a client. They just call it a fee, or a charge.
This is how I would handle it:
Me: “I’d be happy to take on the job of sewing your wedding dress.” \[make sure you call it a job, because it IS a job\] “My fee is $x per hour, plus the cost of materials. That design you showed me last week? – I estimate it would take me about 80 hours work. So, if you choose that as your final design, the charge would be $80x, plus materials. If that’s not your final design, I can give you a more definite quote when you do.”
Her: “But I thought you would do it for free!”
Me: “Unfortunately I’m not in a position to do it for free. Eighty-plus hours of work is far too much to do for free. I’m already quoting you a lower fee than I would quote for any other client, as your wedding present, but it won’t be possible to do it for free.”
Her: “But when we were in fashion school, you said you’d sew my wedding dress! You never said anything about charging me for it!”
Me: “I didn’t say I’d do it for free either. Besides, fashion school was eight years ago. I was very young and inexperienced, with no idea how much work a wedding dress would entail. I’m relieved I never said I’d do it for free, because there’s no way I could ever have honored a promise like that.”
Her: “But I can’t afford what you’re charging!”
Me: “Then unfortunately I can’t help. You’ll need to find someone else to sew the dress.”
Yeah this is good, I think too I’m so uncomfortable asking for payment for me work regardless of my education in that field, due to the fact many usually see my “side jobs” as hobbies
Honey, as someone who makes things a whole lot…the problem is that you are letting the way other people look at things rule you. It doesn’t matter how they see things. You are the one doing the work, so you are the one who either sets a price tag or gives it away. You have got to either grow yourself a backbone, or accept that they’re just hobbies people won’t pay you for.
She said you were just the person because she figured she can manipulate you. 32 days is a ridiculous amount of time to spend on a wedding gift unless it’s your daughter. Or you are independently wealthy and have absolutely nothing better to do. Tell her now that you can’t make the dress. Otherwise she’ll be whining and mewling and trying to manipulate you
NTA. You need to speak to her or send her a message saying: “I love you and I would be honoured to make your wedding dress, but looking at your inspo pics suggests this would be an 80 + hour project. While I love to sew I really can’t afford to gift you $8,000 worth of my time and skills. I would be really happy to discuss this further and try to come to an accommodation that would work for us both, but if you would prefer to look at different options I understand.” Her response will tell you if she genuinely hadn’t thought it through or is trying to get an amazing dress for very little. (My costing is probably ridiculously conservative, adjust for a reasonable hourly rate).
Sister – you already calculated your time at 16 weekends – now, calculate your worth, at OT, and as an adult, have this very adult conversation with her.
You will be TAH if you devalue yourself!
NAH if she genuinely believes you would enjoy this as a fun challenge / hobby.
I would say something like “I wouldn’t be able to take that on in the time available before the wedding” or “I wouldn’t be able to take that on as an unpaid commission, due to the loss of paid opportunities” depending on whether your issue is about your time or about wanting paid.
Do not elaborate further. Do not give details. Do not be suckered into being expected to justify your timetable.