I am 46f and my husband is 51, married for three years. This is the healthiest relationship I’ve ever had, including friendships and family members. Because I feel safe, all the things I’ve been holding down is coming to the surface.
I have some significant trauma in my past, as does he. The issue I’m having stems from my first husband who was physically, mentally, and emotionally abusive. This was years ago however and I *thought* I had worked through it. Last week I spent most of our money on groceries. We’ve been struggling financially and we haven’t had a chance to go on a real shopping trip, the bills were paid, gas in the car so I figured it was fine. It was not fine. My husband was extremely upset about it. He was a mean and so I returned it. He went to work and the argument continued via text until I shut it down by saying don’t talk to me.
I went on with my day and pretty much got over it. He did not, he didn’t feel like I got his point and it incensed him that I cut him off because this was an abusive pattern in his past. He was also abused in all the same ways as I have been. He was LIVID at me.
When he got home I could *feel* his anger but the eyes is what got me. The same look I’ve seen countless times before violence, usually physical. I went back into the same old patterns of behavior: fawn/freeze, make myself small, tried to anticipate what I needed to do to deescalate and talk very little because I don’t know what could set it off. All this ended up making it worse. He felt like I wasn’t willing to talk, like I was acting funny, and so he declared he was going to bed. I was petrified. I’ve never once ever been scared of my husband. My rational mind was watching all this unfold and realizing what was happening. Yet for the life of me I couldn’t break out of it. His anger completely disarmed me and shut me down.
When a few days had put distance between it and me, we talked and I explained why I was like that and made him understand that it wasn’t his fault, he’s allowed to be angry and express it. He got his point across and we reached a mutual agreement (about spending).
My question is, how do I fix this terror at his anger from here? I know therapy is the best option and I’m using it. Talking and processing is one thing, how I react in that moment though is a bodily response. I am not afraid of men’s emotions, or so I thought. I’ve seen him cry and supported him through that, I’ve even seen him angry but never this angry. I don’t want him to feel like he has to mute himself either. I need strategies he and I can use to move past this.
Has anyone been through something similar?
I’m not going to pick a side, but you broke his trust. Right or wrong. something or nothing. It’s all stemming from that.
You can fix it by being creative. Beans with cumin and cheap pork, homemade soap, or simply not asking for anything for a time.
I’m not saying it’s right or wrong.
this is a really good reply…. not right or wrong, but by hell it’s human
Finances can be a contentious issue, particularly when things are tight. Might be worth setting aside 1 night a week where you sit down at dinner and discuss upcoming bills, spending etc.
Not sure what made you say to him “don’t talk to me” but I can see how invalidating and upsetting that would be. Maybe in the future if you need a pause to cooldown tell him you are willing to address the issue later when you are (you and him) in less angry state (but do not point at him with that).
I tell every person I’m with I’ll need at least three hours to calm down after this. I’m a man. So first hour alone is fuck her. Then I progress into the second hour. And say. She has a point about that. Third hour. I realize. Gotta say im sorry but I need some time first.
Good idea for me
Thanks for sharing man.
He was being mean, acting like I was denying that it was my fault. I was caught up in the anger of that (the meanness) I let it get to me and thusly my very dumb text that will never happen again.
I do learn from mistakes, without conflict I know we can’t figure out how to overcome obstacles and resolve them when we have issues because things are going to happen. I’m learning to be less reactive.
I see how this could make someone react like this. You or him ought to make mistakes, that’s a part of being human. I guess maybe you two could workout a plan how to handle this sort of situations when things are getting heated? It will most likely happen in the future no matter how hard you are trying. It cannot be just you working on it, he also needs to put a work in.
Since you both have these terrible experiences maybe a few couples therapy sessions to workout what strategies may work best for you?
I am in therapy and so is he. He is hesitant to speak about his feelings or things that have happened in his past to anyone but me and cautiously his therapist. He has been judged harshly in the past for having emotions and “being weak” when he’s spoken about the abuse. I would love couples therapy. We’re both vets and get our care at the VA, I’m more than sure they do couples in the bigger city, they even have maternity care (for now).
He had to speak about his experiences in active combat at the VA and wasn’t right for a week after. He’s very emotionally intelligent but he keeps it all to himself because he’s been made to feel like he has to. When we first met, we decided to have some alcohol and he ended up unloading everything that happened to him and all the fear, rage, and trauma from his military service.
I sat with him and comforted him then put him to bed. He was worried for weeks afterward that I was going to break up with him. He’s a tough nut to crack, due to the societal expectation that men can’t have or show emotions. The fear he triggered in me has me scared he will stop sharing with me. It would be great if we could do a little session together with his therapist. He likes her so I will look into that. Thank you!
The thing about working through trauma is that it often isn’t a one and done thing. You make progress with understanding and change, but then there will come a time when you need to work through it again.
My point is that given you two have severe relationship trauma, you’ll accidentally trigger each other from time to time. Reassure your angry partner that you love him and take his concerns about spending seriously. Tell him his feelings are valid and warranted. Say your sorry if did something wrong. Be brave.
Having the hard conversations is what makes relationships stronger.
I have anger “issues” from my bipolar disorder, and I understand the “look” you saw in his eyes. Family and friends have described the same thing in my behavior, where I basically turn into a monster, and how scary I am at that moment. I went to therapy for 11 years to work on my anger, and the lesson that helped me the most is my psychologist had me read a book about animal training called [Don’t Shoot the Dog](https://www.amazon.com/Dont-Shoot-Dog-Teaching-Training/dp/1982106468/ref=sr_1_1?dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9._jPnC8CB-jQ9MNm6J0GyqhVqto8l1xIO2ialL2PybKrzI2Ws8Pg482axEFUILuTKZ3WCa73Ktm1KTPlDcF14PtAFHoVTUHT0I3ufItHhyZSD_lIgScLU8Aoeg4OFiz6AYj-2HA_-ZbMHYnOJCzJOa77_-S7DVyz1RC8my2abOT_LMNIS-65ApDKy5fhXs-0l9yYmjDbi4K6bub89itLWLs9KwOmDwfsUpMVwGUBMm4o.2hNrWEC86-QvUsgk748V5GYmjexL_QrOfkJOWBwL_ec&dib_tag=se&hvadid=713622584822&hvdev=c&hvexpln=0&hvlocphy=9032443&hvnetw=g&hvocijid=17402457790517948976–&hvqmt=e&hvrand=17402457790517948976&hvtargid=kwd-300165272627&hydadcr=22538_13730679&keywords=don+t+shoot+the+dog&mcid=fefc8e99ddc0347a95a1924f59c4cdfa&qid=1765072783&sr=8-1). Essentially, the message was that when dealing with people book taught me “how to do it without yelling threats, force, punishment, guilt trips—or shooting the dog.” I learned to interact with people in way that didn’t make me look like a monster, and I had much better relationships because of this! So maybe your husband would be willing to work on his anger, so that he would avoid scaring you so much.
Thank you so much! We’ve been together for a couple years and anger has never been an issue until now. We’re still in the “figuring each other out” phase. I really pissed him off this time because I also brought up old wounds with my text. He is not usually reactive or angry. I will look at this book and suggest it to him.
The “don’t talk to me” was a problem but I can understand where it came from. In the future, don’t make it about you controlling his access to you; instead, say something like “hey…we’re tearing into each here; let’s both pause for a bit? Later on we’ll be calmer and can stop hurting each other.”
Easier said than done in the heat of the moment, yes…but much better.
Exactly, instead of putting the phone down and taking some time I acted in anger. That was really the thing that tipped it to nuclear levels of anger. He didn’t deserve that. We weren’t ready to hear each other. All I heard was meanness and all he heard was denial, which was not true in either case. I have learned and will take some time in the future instead of reacting in anger. Thank you.