My brother and his gf are both 20, they’ve been together for some months now. My grandparents, sister, and mother aren’t the fondest of her, as she over steps boundaries and the couple of times I’ve confronted her for offenses she has completely shut down or accused me of hating her. I never come at her with any animosity, I’m always looking to maturely handle things because I really can’t stand any kind of lingering drama, but I feel she cannot take any accountability for her actions.
She’s overstepped many times, but my biggest complaint is that she calls our parents “mom and dad.” I feel like she is inserting herself into our family in a way that’s really uncomfortable, as she’s been calling them this from the start. My mom doesn’t like it, and my dad just doesn’t want to rock the boat even though he has said it’s really odd. My sister and I have told our brother several times he needs to have a discussion with her about it, but I don’t think he has because she still does it and he doesn’t say anything. She also refuses to remember mine and my sister’s names, saying I am my sister and she is me, as well as calling my grandparents “grandma and grandpa” which they aren’t comfortable with, that’s also not what we call them.
She’s called our brother her husband a couple of times, and tbh that’s entirely their business, but it does make the “forcing yourself into the family” feel all that more real. I’m mostly annoyed with my brother for this, as he’s too scared to upset her over anything to have a real conversation with her. I do think her behavior is her behavior, but feel that my brother does her no favors by letting her push limits. So wibta if I asked her start calling us by our names?
NTA
Ooof. Yeah, she’s overstepping. But every member of your family needs to let their boundaries known to her. That means your parents need to speak up. Your grandparents need to speak up. You need to speak up. Gently. Then forcefully if she keeps being a dingus about it.
NTA
YWNBTA. You’re right. It’s weird she’s calling your parents “mom” and “dad” like that. That’s their battle. But she definitely should be calling you by your name.
She is an adult. She can learn your names and use them. You can ignore her when she doesn’t refer to you by her name. I’d be careful to speak for others but definitely NTA.
NTA
Their 20. Sometimes it helps when an adult shows family norms and behaviors.
Or be petty and ask what you can do to help her remember your name, because it hurts that she loves your brother but doesn’t have respect for his sisters.
NTA. Don’t respond when she calls you the wrong name. Your entire family should do the same. You can correct her once and tell her you will only respond to your name. You have to follow through with it. If she asks, “where’s mom/dad/grandpa?” Tell her you don’t know where her family member is. If she cries, she cries. So what?
You can certainly correct her each and every time she calls you by your sister’s name – and refuse to respond if she says something to your sister (although she’s obviously addressing you). NTA so far.
For the rest of it – your sister, your parents and your grandparents have to do the same thing. You can’t insist on her referring to your parents and grandparents the way you prefer. Only they can set down that rule.
Of course, if she says something to you about “Mom” or “Grandma” feel free to assume she’s talking about her own mother or grandmother so that she has to clarify who she means each time she uses that form of address.
YWNBTA for telling her that you would appreciate her learning your name. But everyone else is responsible for telling her they would like to be called by their given name and not a familial nickname. You don’t get to set boundaries for other adults, that is their job to communicate.
YWNBTA, although reading your story, it seems like no one in the family is able to express when boundaries are crossed. It sounds pretty draining.
In actuality, they may not have encountered anyone like this before. This is a new situation. They don’t know how to handle it yet, but I am pretty sure they will figure it out. My vote is on mom, especially if she is one who says, “Now, listen here”.
What’s her cultural background and how old is everyone else?
In my culture, out of respect for elders we refer to them by title rather than name. My fiancé is of a different culture and I’ve always struggled calling his parents by name. Before we got engaged, I referred to them as “your mum,” “your dad”, “your parents”, “(fiancé)’s mum”, or “(fiancé)’s dad”.
Now we’re engaged I often refer to them as mum and dad.
So nobody in your family has the courage to tell her what their name is? If someone calls me by the wrong name, I correct them. It’s not hard.
“Hey, Dad/Mum”
“It’s pronounced [your name]”
This relationship is only a few months old. It’s pronounced Mrs. Lastname until I personally invite you to call me by my first name. But you may be gone before that milestone.