My sister (40f) and I (37m) have never been super close and I have no intention of cutting her out of my life but she was very dismissive when I came out as gay and I will be getting married soon but haven’t told her yet and really thinking about not telling her at all. even though she has meet my boyfriends in the past she never really acknowledged me being gay.
I’m concerned that she might try and do something at my wedding but if I don’t have her there it’s going to start a lot of family drama.
so would I be the asshole if I just don’t invite her?
You might be MADE to seem like the AH by other ppl including by ur own sister which could cause a lot of unnecessary stress and drama for you so if u want to avoid it, just elope. Easy peasy.
ESH
Sounds like your sister is homophobic and prone to drama, so she’s an AH.
You are choosing to avoid conflict. That makes you an AH. Unless you have completely cut off your sister, of course you should tell her. You should invite her to the wedding as well. If she acts poorly? You have her calmly escorted out and then get back to partying.
BTW, not inviting her is different than not telling her. Even if you don’t invite her, *you* should tell her. She shouldn’t find out from someone else.
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Being a conflict is a losing life strategy.
In my book, it also makes you an AH.
I vote you elope. Don’t invite anyone.
YTA:(from your statement) she’s never said anything bad about you or the gay community. Why does she need to acknowledge you’re gay, in order for her to get an invite?
It’s your wedding, you are allowed to have whoever you want there. Do you plan on inviting family? How do you plan on keeping it from her?
i think you need to consider that not even letting her know this is happening will likely end the relationship y’all have. if you want to keep her in your life the best course of action is to talk to her about it and be honest about your concerns.
I think you should tell who you want, but whether or not you should tell your sister might depend on some logistical factors because if she’s going to find out anyway, NOT telling her does not prevent her from pulling something at your wedding.
If you’re concerned that she will sabotage your wedding, BTW, if feels like far more than ‘dismissiveness’ on her part. You might be under-reacting to her, in terms of how you describe your relationship and her feelings towards you, if sabotage is a genuine risk.
Not inviting your sister to your wedding is a big move, it makes a big statement and it may offend her. So you need to know whether that’s what you want to do or not, and if you do intend to keep her out you might need security or someone whose job it is to keep an eye out for her and eject her if she shows up. If you were to elope or keep the event super small this is less of an issue.
Congrats and good luck. Wishing you a day surrounded by people who are cheering you on. NTA
Insufficient information.
Your heading states that you’re not going to tell her; but your ending says that you’re not going to invite her. There’s a world of difference here. Not inviting could be justified for one set of reasons including your concerns about her being dismissive of your being gay. On the other hand, if you really “*have no intention of cutting her out of my life*,” you really do need to tell her about your getting married.
How’s this? Tell her; and then, based on her reaction, decide whether or not to invite her.
I’m finding it hard to connect the dots here, if she’s dismissive and doesn’t acknowledge things why would you think she would suddenly backflip and “do something” at the wedding – that seems the opposite of her current behavior.
It reads like you are upset she doesn’t engage with your sexuality and you just don’t want her there – which is your choice but will probably end what remains of your relationship. If you don’t want her there then own that decision. Don’t pretend her behavior is the issue.
NTA if it would be stressful to have her there then you don’t need to invite her but if other family is invited it’ll get back to her.
I’d still tell her you’re getting married though and see how she reacts. She might say she doesn’t want to go anyways and then you won’t be the AH who hid it from her.
My BIL did this when he got engaged. He told his family. They all told him for religious reasons they weren’t going. He said okay and cut them off from his future.
This is missing information. What does dismissive when you came out as gay mean and doesn’t acknowledge that I’m gay? How does that translate to she will do something at my wedding?
INFO
I don’t think you can really not invite a sibling to your wedding and also have “no intention of cutting her out of my life”.
How do you expect this will go down with your sister when she hears from your parents or other shared family members that you are having a wedding and she will check her mail to see if she missed the invite etc and then asks you about the wedding and then what, you’ll just tell her she’s not invited?
If my sibling didn’t invite me to their wedding it would be the end of our relationship, unless they eloped and told no one.
You need to decide if you want a relationship with your sister. If you don’t, then fine, don’t invite her. But if you expect to still be in each other’s lives, you really should invite her. You could always have a serious conversation with her first, telling her you feel that she’s never really “acknowledged me being gay” (what does that even mean, what would it look like for her to acknowledge your sexuality?). And then see how that conversation goes. If you feel it goes really badly, then maybe don’t invite her to the wedding. But who knows, maybe there’s just been misunderstandings or she might have felt you didn’t want to specifically talk to her about your sexuality, and maybe a chat will clear the air and you might feel relieved and happy to invite her to your wedding.
PS: Not inviting your sibling will also stir sh\*t with your parents and possibly grandparents. It’s fine if you think that’s worth it, but it’s possible some family members may choose to not attend if you exclude your sister for seemingly no real reason.