A couple of months ago, a family friend asked if she could stay with my husband and I (28 M&F) for a few days before and after Christmas, because our house is convenient to the airport. I’ll call this friend “Ann,” and she’s in her 60s. Initially we said yes, but we’d like to retract because of some intervening circumstances.
My MIL has been friends with Ann for almost 30 years. Through a combo of bad luck and bad decisions, Ann has no savings or retirement. Her only asset is a house, with a mortgage. My MIL has helped her out over the years with credit card payments and co-signs on leases and loans. Last winter, Ann even moved in with my MIL so she could rent out her own house for income. This seemed like a symbiotic solution at first, because my MIL is going through a tough divorce.
Two weeks ago, MIL told us that she’s starting to feel used. In two separate but related conversations, my MIL told Ann (1) that she could no longer provide direct financial assistance to her, and a few days later that (2) she and her ex had decided it was best for them to sell their home instead of one of them keeping it, and Ann would have to find a new living situation when they sold. Ann was, I think understandably, stressed out by this but she handled it badly, and exacerbated my MIL’s feelings of being used.
Here’s where my husband and I come into the conflict. After years of school and internships, I recently started a high-paying job as a corporate real estate attorney. After the convo with my MIL, Ann asked me if I knew any lawyers who could help her with evicting her tenant (long story) for free. I said I didn’t, but offered several low-cost or free legal services she could try to utilize. Ann didn’t like this response and was very negative about each option, continuously stating that she didn’t have the resources she needed and needed help, even though I had recommended several resources that *could* help her. Later, when I showed the texts to my husband, he thought these texts were a veiled request for money. Re-reading them, it does kind of seem that way.
Now, Ann has asked about the specific dates she wants to stay with us. They fall on a busy week when we won’t really be home much. Between the fight with MIL and the weird texts, I feel uncomfy about the whole situation and don’t know if I want her hanging out at the house while we’re gone. But we did say she could stay, earlier. WIBTA for retracting? We would use our busy schedule as justification to avoid bringing up more conflict.
NTA; you can always change plans when it comes to who can stay at your home and it is still some time until the planned stay so other alternatives can be looked for. You do not have to explain, just let them know that unfortunately you cannot etc.
(The fact that you are not the asshole does *not* mean she won’t be upset. She almost definitely will, given her track record.)
NTA. Honestly, I don’t think you need a really big obvious reason in this situation. It’s your home; you’re allowed to be 100% comfortable in your own home. There are still several weeks for her to make other arrangements. I agree that this would just feel too weird at this point.
Nta. Do not let her in the door . She wont leave
Just state “I’m sorry, but our plans have changed and we can no longer provide housing for you around Christmas. ” And don’t engage any further.
NTA. What happened with your MIL is a preview of what will happen to you if you let Ann stay with you, except you might the one looking up ways to evict her if she decides to prolong her stay.
NTA
You can always retract an offer, no matter the reason, but especially if things feel a little odd or uncomfortable.
“Unfortunately, our situation has changed, and we’re no longer able to host you. Apologies for any inconvenience.”
You’re giving her enough notice. Her financial situation is no one else’s problem but her own. Nta
Perfect response right here. You don’t have to justify it, just tell her she can’t stay there.
YWBTA because it’s rude to change plans once you’ve agreed to something. However, it’s ok to be an AH now and then when the original plan doesn’t serve you. Your comfort and peace are more important than what others think. Think of it as karma – Ann is being an AH to your MIL and you’re her karmic balance. Happy Ann-free Holidays!
I lowkey love this response. I forget that I’m allowed to be an AH occasionally…
NTA. First, you will be giving a month’s notice. That’s courteously enough time for her to make other arrangements. Second, it’s your house. You can do what you darn well please with it. No way do you want to involve yourself in her mess considering what you already know. Keep her out. You owe her nothing. She’s not your long-time friend.
NTA make up an excuse and just don’t answer her calls anymore. Be FIRM when you tell her you are no longer available, don’t make it about the fight and don’t justify your decision. Tell her something came up and you’re no longer going to be around for the holidays. Again, don’t justify or answer questions about why or allow her any attempts to find solutions to the problem. That’s what emotionally immature people do instead of accepting no as an answer but you don’t have to play along. Give her skinny and then make yourself unavailable for any further discussions from her.
If she shows up she may start asking for money, she might try to steal from you or just ingratiate herself in your home and never leave. Don’t let her inside.
NTA. Tell her that she won’t able to stay. No reason why is required. I’d cut all contact with her after.