Hi, I’ve been talking to some of my friends about this issue but really need some advice.
My best friend (F21) and I (F21) were hanging out when she informed me that she is dating someone new. I was really happy for her until I found out that she was dating her coworker (M17). I was floored. She told me that they are getting serious and that she knows it sounds wrong but he’s mature for his age. She also told me that if I really disagreed with their relationship, she would leave him (but implied that it would make her depressed if she did). We haven’t really talked about it since. He’s still in high school while she is finishing her final year of university. From what she has told me before, he doesn’t have any family and had a rough childhood. My best friend is also going through a rough patch and doesn’t have a history of dating great people. I think that this relationship is wrong and that she really shouldn’t be dating this guy. Most of my friends are telling me that I should go ahead and tell her that this is an inappropriate relationship, while others are telling me to just stay out of it?
So, WIBTA for telling my best friend to breakup with her boyfriend?
NTA.
“She told me that they are getting serious” + best friend (F21) + coworker (M17) = Statutory Rape.
\*And\* he’s got no family \*And\* had a rough childhood \*And\* he’s very mature for his age… Good lord, it’s the whole groomers’ playbook all in one. The very slightest saving grace is that bestie is only four years older than him and not – say – ten.
NAH
I once fought with my former best friend and she gave me the best advice I ever got: you don’t always have to be the goddamn superhero.
You don’t need to be the superhero in this situation. If you tell her you think the relationship is wrong, she might be very angry with you, it might strain your relationship, or she might break up with him and be incredibly sad. If you don’t say anything, you let HER make the decision. You don’t need to swoop in and save the day. Shes 21 and should be able to decide for herself if her relationship is good or inappropriate. I would highly recommend being there for her and being her friend, but avoid telling her what she should do. People need to make their own choices. And sometimes, people need to fail in order to learn
It’s also weird that she will break up with him specifically if OP isn’t okay with it. Like the friend recognized that it was wrong but will only do something about it if OP objects?
Don’t tell her to break up. If you say anything, just explain why you think the relationship is a bad idea. Whether to break up is her decision to make.
You say they are “getting serious,” but it’s not clear what exactly that means, and I don’t know where you are located, so I don’t know what laws apply. But if your friend having sex with a 17-year-old boy counts as statutory rape in your jurisdiction, it might be good to make sure she knows that.
“She also told me that if I really disagreed with their relationship, she would leave him”: does that mean she’s asking you to weigh in? If she is, then you’re free to tell her what you think. If she hasn’t asked for your opinion, keep it to yourself.
I’d also encourage you to think seriously about what exactly you would say. You say the relationship is “wrong” and “inappropriate.” Because of the age gap? Because he had a rough childhood? She is aware of those things and accepts them. “She knows it sounds wrong.” I’m not sure what fresh insight you expect to add. Your post doesn’t mention any.
NTA and your friend is a creep for dating him.
NTA
“She knows it sounds wrong.”
Because it is.
“She also told me that if I really disagreed with their relationship, she would leave him.”
Bonus AH points for this. Why is she making you be her moral compass?!
But I need to know: are the friends who think you should tell her also going to tell her? Why is this all on you?
It really seems like this friend doesn’t want to take responsibility for the break-up. If she knows it’s wrong then why wouldn’t she have ended it already? I think she’s waiting for a friend (like OP) to object so that she won’t have to take full responsibility for the break-up, and if it goes badly then she’ll pass the blame onto a friend instead of taking accountability.
It sounds like a desperation relationship rather than a deep, healthy couple that will last any length of time
She really needs to do some therapy and stop dating for at least six months
NTA – she should know that this is wrong and shouldn’t even be in this relationship in the first place. He’s still a child. She’s about to finish university. I don’t care what anyone says about age of consent because I think a lot of people just use that to defend relationships where one of them is a child and there’s no excuse for a 21 year old to be with a 17 year old. Morally, I don’t think a 4 year age gap is okay at their ages and even if she still waited for him to turn 18 it would be just as messed up honestly.
NTA But it depends on how “serious” they get and how fast. 4 years is a big difference in age and life experience at their age, and if he has no family support he is also likely looking for someone to belong with, a new “relative”. He may well be quite mature for his age given his family challenges, but he is also probably vulnerable and not making the wisest decisions about dating. They shouldn’t move in together anytime soon, she should encourage him to become a self sufficient adult first.
I have a friend, in his mid 20’s he started dating a young woman, fell hard and then she admitted she was only 17. Don’t blame him, she had an “old lady” kind of face, I didn’t know either. She had been accepted to her dream 2 year university program on the other side of the continent before meeting him, did the classic teenage “forget about college I don’t want to leave my boyfriend”. He INSISTED she go away to college, said he would wait and be faithful. 2 years later, she graduated, came home, they got engaged, married and are living happily ever after. I truly believe that it worked out BECAUSE he insisted she go to college and gain maturity and independence before they lived together and committed to one another. They met when he was an adult and she was a teenager, an inherently unequal relationship. They committed to each other as self sufficient adults because he understood the inequality and gave her the time and space to grow into his equal partner.
NTA for being concerned and expressing that concern but be careful. I told my best friend I didn’t like her bf because I thought he was too controlling. She married him and our friendship was never the same.
ESH. Your friend sucks for trying to make you be an “adult” and give her permission to do something she is uncomfortable doing. You suck for even considering enabling her.
Tell your friend she already knows the answer and that it’s not cool to try to alleviate her guilt by trying to justify herself to anyone else.
Side note: it sucks they both had difficult upbringings and this type of upbringing tends to bring out a savior complex in people when what they really need is to learn about boundaries.
It might not be illegal depending on the laws where you live, but she is definitely a creep for dating a teenager in high school. Especiall someone who she knows is vulnerable. You wouod not be the asshole for telling her the truth, but she mught not take it well.