My (31F) grandmother (mom’s mom) passed a few days ago, after a few years battling dementia in a nursing home.
I used to go to her house a lot as a kid – swimming pool, play with dogs, watch tv. This stopped when I was 11-12 and my grandfather passed. Shortly after, my grandmother met someone online and moved to live with him. After that guy passed, she moved back, lived with my aunt for a short period, then moved in with another guy until she needed to move into the nursing home.
I’ve basically had no interaction with her between 12 years and now. Same with my mom’s two sisters and my 5 older cousins. Truthfully, I think only 3-4 are attending the funeral. I would much rather keep it that way than put up a farce that we’re in this together and we’re some big and loving family.
Not to mention I have a rocky relationship with my mother due to her narcissistic behaviors. This has been a topic of contention for years. Right now she says she’s fine with me not going but I have a feeling she’s going to get drunk and bring it up whenever she can.
WIBTA if I don’t go to my grandma’s funeral?
(I’m taking a shot for anyone who says “but she’s family”.)
NTA.
Maybe count the times people say ‘but she’s family’ and take the shots before going to the funeral…..then you can get in before your mum the getting drunk and saying unfair stuff part….
NTA- Funerals are for the living and if you have made peace with your grandmother, you will be fine- I had an aunt whose funeral Saturday, I did not go, my aunt knew how I felt about her.
I’ve made my peace with her, thanks in part to my therapist.
I would say to go if there were someone else in your family (mom, aunts, cousins) that you would want to support. It sounds like there isn’t anyone like that who badly needs your emotional support, so I would say only go if you feel like it, but don’t feel pressured to.
Assuming your mother was being sincere and that she really doesn’t have a problem with you not going, then I don’t really think anyone has done anything wrong here. I don’t think it was wrong for her to ask you to go with her, and I don’t think it was wrong for you to decline. Obviously, this judgment would change based on any other future actions (like if she really does get drunk and bring it up later), but for now, I’m going with NAH.
That’s the problem – I do feel like I’m being pressured to do so by my parents. Dad, because of the possibility my mom will get drunk and complain to him about it, and Mom because again, “she’s family”.
No one at the service would need support from me. With Mom it’s also an issue because there’s the possibility she’s been a bit emotionally incestuous with me? (According to my therapist). So there’s an issue of where do I draw the line between support and boundaries?
Purely because avoiding work on a Tuesday due to a hangover sounds awesome 😎
“But she’s family!”
Do what makes you happy. If avoiding your mother and distant relatives makes you happy, don’t go. If saying goodbye to someone who was once important to you, surrounded by other people who thought she was important would be helpful, go.
Personally, I would probably ask if they are zooming it and participate that way while maintaining some physical distance but I don’t like being around people 🫠
Unfortunately the service will likely be small – right now we don’t even know when it will be – so no Zoom.
I’ve made my peace with her by myself (through the help of my therapist, partially). I felt this way for a while and her death actually happening hasn’t changed the way I feel.
In that case, preserve your peace and stay away. Maybe have a moment when the service is happening to sit and remember the good times. Don’t let anyone else destroy your equilibrium just because they can.
NTA. You go for the living, not the dead. You go for you—and if you don’t “need” to—for the grieving. (Or to see who else is there and commiserate with them. Or for the gossip.)
I read an essay years ago called “Always Go to the Funeral” that changed my perspective a bit https://www.npr.org/2005/08/08/4785079/always-go-to-the-funeral
So recently, I was invited to a service for an ex-friend. I wasn’t really sure I should go, but I did run into a good friend I had lost touch with who also had a complicated relationship with the deceased. And I did feel bad for the family and gave them my condolences. Sorry for the loss of what should have been. NTA in any case. (And if your mom ever gives you grief for not going: “You said I didn’t need to go. You lied to me.”)
Sorry for your loss, however slight it seems to be.
Funerals are for the living.
You haven’t seen grandma in 19 years.
It’s ok to miss the funeral especially with the possible drama.
For the drinking game: But she’s family. My response “Not now, she’s worm food now. “
I hope peace finds you
NTA
Nope, NTA. Maybe if you had a better relationship with your mom, to support her. Or if you think she’ll bring up your abscence later, it might be worth it, but thats up to you. Good luck.
I would say I was going if I was getting a paid bereavement day at work, then sit at home watching movies and eating ice cream or something. There’s no reason for you to attend the funeral of someone who’s virtually a stranger to you. I only attended my one grandmother’s funeral to make sure that old witch was really dead…lol. So, pick out some ice cream and take a vacation day.
I only went to my grandma funeral to support my mom . I always called her by her first name … my brother didn’t go at all … you’re not wrong . No need to go somewhere you don’t want to