Hi everyone. I know this title sounds really awful, and I feel so bad to even write this post, but we desperately need some advice.
Context: I, (29F) and my fiancée (30M), are getting married next year in May. We are trying to organise our guest list because we have found a venue we really love that has a guest limit of 120 people. This is a bit hard given we both have big families, however we really like the idea of a smaller, more intimate wedding. For this reason, we’ve had to cull down our guest list quite a bit, and have decided as a result to not invite any young children (under 16) except for our immediate family and our flower girl.
Our dilemma is this – I have cousins that we are very close with who I would really want at the wedding, however they have a son (I will call him Lucas) who has Down Syndrome and autism. Because of this, Lucas can get very overstimulated around large groups of people, and screams very loudly as a result. He is also quite destructive and will do things like pulling at the table cloth while everything is still on the table, or throwing drinking glasses etc. The venue also has a bond we need to pay if anything is damaged or any extreme messes are made, so I am pretty worried about this. Lucas is also 20 years old, despite having the mental age of a 2 year old. I don’t know if his parents would even bring him to the wedding, as he requires constant supervision, however I don’t know how I could not invite him without coming across as rude or mean given they have 1 other son that lives with them that I would invite (He is also over 20yo).
It’s not that we don’t want Lucas there – I just really don’t want anything to detract from key parts of mine and my fiancées day, like screaming or breaking things. I also can’t tell Lucas’ mother that I’m worried about him being destructive at our wedding, as I feel that WOULD make me an AH, however I also can’t ask whether she is planning to bring him either. I really don’t know what to do… Would I be the AH if I invited my cousin and the rest of her family and left Lucas’ name off the invite? What could I do in this situation? Please be brutally honest, and any advice would be very welcome 🙏
Surely talking to the parents is your best option though?
YWNBTA, it’s your wedding and you can invite who you want, but this definitely needs to be a conversation you have with his parents beforehand. It will be a difficult conversation, but it’s better to do it ahead of sending invitations rather than them receiving invitations and either misinterpreting it that he’s invited despite not being listed, or them noticing he’s disinvited without it being mentioned to them and them kicking off about it. In any scenario they will bring it up eventually so it’s better to sit them down or call them and explain yourself rather than have a reactive conversation when the decision has already been made.
You said: *It’s not that we don’t want Lucas there – I just really don’t want anything to detract from key parts of mine and my fiancées day, like screaming or breaking things.*
It sounds like you don’t want him there, and I understand IF he is really this disruptive. There is no way around it, you need to have a talk with his parents. If he is really that destructive and they don’t see it, that is their problem. Personally, I not just leave their name off, what happens if they just bring him assuming it was something you overlooked? Or what happens when they call you to let you know he is missing but they plan to bring him? Either way you WILL be TAH for not discussing it with them FIRST.
Best to talk to your aunt and uncle about it. To see if they can organise respite care for him while they’re at the wedding. But if they aren’t willing to come without bringing him then you’ll just have to accept that.
I would approach it from the angle of “we don’t think it will be an enjoyable environment for him as it will be very overstimulating. There will also be fragile glassware and plates being used, and we wouldnt want you to have to cover the cost if he breaks anything. Instead of putting him in a distressing situation, we would be happy to arrange a time where (fiance) and I could stop by to say hi.” (This doesn’t need to be on the day of the wedding, just at some point vaguely near the wedding. Or you could even plan something small like a meal with just that family.) That way they don’t feel like you’re ashamed of him or they don’t worry he’s entirely missing out, you’re making it clear that there’s something else small that better suits his needs.
YWNBTA. It is reasonable to want people behaving appropriately at your wedding. Lucas is not able to – not his fault, but it is what it is. Talk to your cousin about if they can arrange for someone to take care of Lucas so they can make it to your wedding, but be clear from the start that Lucas cannot come. If he is a sensible person he will understand. But in turn you need to be understanding if they choose not to come at all.
YWBTA Invite them and set their table at the back of the venue that way hie won’t be center stage if he starts acting up. OR just be straight up with the Mother and ask her ” Do you think \_\_\_\_\_\_\_can handle sitting for the wedding? I know he can get worked up and I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable.” I’m sure they would appreciate it. Don’t feel bad about asking. They already know he has behavioral issues and so do you so it’s not like its taboo to talk about. You can’t just not invite him he’s part of their family. If you did that you would BTA. So just have a heart to heart with his mom and explain your fears. She will know what to do.
Why people insist on lying? He’s not getting worked up, he’s being a nightmare, he would not be uncomfortable, he’d be a disaster and a disruptive to anyone and will make all guests uncomfortable. 20yo with mental capacity of 2yo can move on his own as he pleases so setting him aside will hardly fix anything, he’s got working legs and arms and if he want to go pull tablecloths or throw glasses, he can go.
Talk to the aunt and uncle and see what their plans are before you make assumptions. They may already be planning to not attend, they could have respite care prepped… But we don’t know that.
NAH yet.
YWNBTA
Would Lucas even understand the importance of the occasion or why he’s there?
If you are close with his parents, you need to have this difficult conversation with them, before any invites are sent out. The direct conversation, awkward and painful as it may be, is less of an AH than trying to second guess the formality of an invite. You need to talk to your cousin.
My SILs brother is in the same situation. His list of disabilities is long and complicated.
He was at the church for the ceremony and then about an hour at the venue afterwards (photos, mingling, few toasts to the bride and groom) once we moved towards the wedding meal/party/evening events his carers took him home. NTA
This is actually a great way to do it, talk to the cousin and tell them that you would love to have Lucas at the ceremony and for some photos but so that he doesn’t get overstimulated it might be better if he after that gets to go home and have a calm evening while the rest of the family stays if that is possible, and that you understand if they wish to go home with Lucas but you really want all of them there for photos and ceremony
YWBTA if you sent invites to a whole family except for 1 person. However, your reasoning is of course very good, therefore you should talk to his parents first. Hear what they think. Most likely he would hate to go and they agree with you and then YWNBTA. But you gotta talk to them first
I think you would be the asshole if you just left him off the invite without speaking to his family about it. Just talk to them – if his behaviour is as difficult as you say then his parents will surely know that and will probably be having thoughts themselves about whether they can take him? Just discuss if they want him to attend, mention that you’d have to pay for any damage and discuss if there’s any strategies that would help him stay regulated – would he wear ear defenders or something to help stop him becoming over stimulated?
Then if they remain resolute on bringing him but also aren’t prepared to put anything in place to help him calmly enjoy the day you can think about not inviting him.