I have the sweetest cat, Penny. I got her when I was 8 years old. I’m 34 now. I raised her in my mother’s house until I was 18, when I moved out. My living situation and mental health were up unstable for most of my early 20s. During this time, my mother kept and cared for Penny. This settled down, and I took ownership of Penny again about 8 years ago. When I took ownership back of Penny, my mom said she wanted to be there when we put her down.
Penny is now 26, and has slowed down significantly. She’s still remarkably healthy via her vet, but we’re aware the time is coming – probably sooner rather than later. My husband and I have decided we want to have her vet come and euthanize her at our home. She’s been my companion almost my entire life, and we want her to go in comfort.
As I said, my mom initially asked to be there when this happens. Here’s my issue and why I’m unsure. Any time my mom is over, she hardly acknowledges Penny. She cared for Penny very well when she had her, but now it seems like nothing. Doesn’t call to her or pet her or anything.
And, honestly the far bigger issue, my mom is a class A narcissist. Everything always has to be about her. I promise you I’m not hyperbolizing here. And, to be honest, I just don’t want to deal with that when I put my cat down.
We plan on getting her cremated, and giving my mom some of the ashes in a little urn. But WIBTA if I just told my mom Penny died in her sleep after the fact?
I would let her be there (as long as she isn’t majorly abusive to the point being around her triggers you) under the strict instruction that if she makes it about her/ causes any drama she will be removed on the spot. I’d be gutted if a cat I cared for years I couldn’t say bye to- but equally idk how bad your mother is to judge it
Based on what OP said it sounds like mom will def ruin the moment and won’t be able to handle strict instructions like that.
The problem with this is that if she is a narcissist then she is going to make it about her no matter what because thats what’s narcissists do. It won’t matter if strict instructions are given a narcissist will think those instructions dont apply to them even if you’ve told them to their face because rules dont apply to them for whatever reason they use to justify them not doing so.
It’s easy to say that she’ll be removed on the spot. But how do you actually implement that without making a big drama? If the mom is a big narcissist, she won’t go out without a fight.
That is EXACTLY what you should do. No drama. This is a private moment between you and your beloved pet. How lucky you are to have her love for 26 years!
At a trying time like this, if she brings more stress into your life, I wouldn’t risk it. An option could be to tell your mom it was very sudden and that you didn’t have time to call her.
NAH – if your mum is as awful as you say it’s understandable you feel that way. however penny was a big part of your mums life too and she stepped in and cared for her for years when you couldn’t, makes sense she wants to say goodbye too
I had a husband that would always suck the life out of my personal issues into his emotional vacuum. I’m so sorry about kitty. You handle it the best way you can. This is not about her.
NTA, but I would be prepared for this to damage your relationship with her, potentially irreparably. If this is an outcome you can live with, then protect your peace and say goodbye to your kitty in the way that you want to.
Nta but I do hope this is all just talk of advanced planning as it sounds as though it is not yet Penny’s time if she’s still ‘remarkably healthy’.
Honestly yup id tell your mother the cat passed away in the middle of the night or while you were at work whatever she won’t be able to prove is a lie
Maybe when the time comes you could tell her the cat isn’t doing well and to come for a visit. And then when you put her to sleep, just not tell her until afterwards.
I like this. Your mom can say goodbye, and understanding that it will happen, just not when!