This is my first time posting something like this so forgive the formatting.
I (17F) and my girlfriend (also 17F) have had a strange issue that has honestly been plaguing me morally. These past few months a guy (15M I believe) at our school has been consistently bothering and borderline harassing my girlfriend and it’s becoming a bigger and more annoying issue. He’s further on the spectrum and has less social awareness and tends to push boundaries but I honestly didn’t care much for his presence originally but I can tell he’s developed some kind of crush for my girlfriend, as he tends to talk to her and only her.
It’s gotten to the point where he purposely shoves himself in between me and my girlfriend and tends to both dismiss and outright insult me whenever I try to talk to her. I don’t want to be a jerk or be accused of being ableist but it’s gotten to the point where I don’t even get the chance to speak to her without him interjecting at every sentence to have a one on one conversation with her and completely exclude me (which never works).
Yesterday I was speaking with my girlfriend and just straight up told me that nobody cares what I had to say and continued talking about random people whom he also bothers. My girlfriend interjected and quickly told him that she very much cared and he made fun of us for being together (something that happens a lot). I’m glad she did because I’m honestly glad she did because I was already pretty short tempered that morning and quickly fought the urge to tell him off.
I know this isn’t really a big deal but it’s genuinely so hard to do anything anymore with my girlfriend because of him. I just want to know how to approach this situation and end this mess without potentially getting in trouble. He’s made “jokes” about us becoming of throuple and how he has a crush on someone in a relationship. I know my girlfriend is equally annoyed but she sees it more as a joke and annoyance more than anything.
Would I be an asshole if I told him off for bothering us or him just being straight up rude to me?
You need to get adults involved. He’s harassing your girlfriend. Talk to a guidance counselor or both of your parents. NTA but you need to take some steps to protect yourselves.
I second this. Talk to your counselor or your principal. Explain everything he has done – try to be factual, not emotional. Consider writing things down – dates, when, where (even if it is approximate) and what he did or said. What you/your gf have tried to deescalate and how his behaviors continues to get worse.
NTA and autism is not a reason for you to absorb this kind of stuff indefinitely
However, before “telling him off”, I would pull him to the side and have a calm one-on-one conversation about why his behavior is not appropriate
If that doesn’t work, it may be worth discussing it with a teacher or some counselor. Not as a punishment and not in a way that gets him in trouble, but they might be better equipped than you are to get through to him about boundaries
To me this goes pretty clearly beyond just not knowing how to socialize. He’s being clearly hostile and deserves to be told off
NTA.
You need to involve school authorities. And you need to be firm with him. “Leave my girlfriend alone or you’re going to be in trouble.” He has special needs, not special rights.
NTA but you need to go to the teacher/school counselor/principal. Instead of phrasing it as “he’s annoying us” I would inform them that he interjects, criticizes and refuses to allow you to engage with your girlfriend (who should also go speak with them). I would inform them that you are wanting to make sure he is learning appropriately, as you are aware he has identified needs. That neither you or your girlfriend are the right people to do social skills training, but you are hoping the school can direct these needs.
Get an adult involved. If he’s not aware enough/willing to be aggressive enough it could end badly trying to stop him. If he’s aware of what he’s doing (which seems likely with the comments he made) he could get ruder and meaner and you don’t want it to escalate.
Try walking away, cliche I know, but like actually both of you walk away from him when he comes up. And if he follows you/has a fit then walk to a teachers/principles office and explain he’s harassing you
Good luck
Talk to your girlfriend before doing anything but otherwise nta
Sounds like your girlfriend simply needs to tell this other boy to leave her alone. If it’s her he’s always obsessing over then it’s her who needs to speak to him about it, so tell your girlfriend how you feel and she should in theory understand and deal with him!
Your girlfriend needs to be very blunt & clear about her boundaries with him. You telling him to back off can be interpreted as jealousy if he thinks she likes him, too. Which he obviously does if he’s joking about y’all becoming a throuple. She needs to tell him her boundaries with clear precise language. Don’t be vague or skirt around it trying to spare his feelings. Clarifying things is much more important & will spare bigger feelings in the future. I mean you can tell him to leave her alone but it won’t be effective until she stands up for herself.
NTA – but confronting him yourself won’t make a difference.
NTA for wanting it to stop, but don’t frame it as “because he’s autistic.” Frame it as “your behavior is not okay.” Being on the spectrum can explain missing cues, but it doesn’t give someone a free pass to harass, insult you, or interfere with your relationship.
The best move is a clear, boring boundary said once, ideally with your girlfriend backing you up in the moment. Something like: “Stop interrupting. We’re talking. If we want to include you, we will.” And if he makes throuple jokes or comments about your relationship: “Don’t say that. It’s inappropriate.” No debating, no long speech, just repeat it.
Also loop in an adult at school. This is interfering with your day and includes harassment and homophobic type comments. A counselor, teacher, or admin can set rules for him and support you if he escalates. Your girlfriend treating it like a joke is understandable, but it’s not helping. If she starts ending the interaction every time he crosses a line, he’ll learn faster.
If you do “tell him off,” keep it firm and short, not angry. Angry gives him a story to tell. Calm boundaries plus school involvement gets results.
I can tell you right now, as a speech therapist (we treat social skills), if be very interested to hear if a student in my caseload was behaving like this. This behavior wouldn’t fly with anyone in the special education department. It’s not business as usual behavior from ASD students
If I thought there was a chance the student didn’t know any better: I’d target it in therapy, have the entire treating team and administrators in the loop to also be addressing the issue, and if it didn’t resolve the student would be receiving disciplinary action or behavior plans and guard rails would be put into place
But I’m guessing he does know better. He understands his behavior is unwelcome correct? That’s not asd, that’s being an ahole. People can be both autistic and be aholes. They can be homophobic too. That should be reported. If your school does not get this behavior under control in the next few weeks, and you know he knows he is acting unkind ( my suspicion , based on what you’ve described is he already knows…he knew exactly how to insult you to try and shoo you away, and he knows how to physically position his body to exclude you from conversation)
Just so you know this as an option (not say to or not to do this) but you are well within your rights to file a HIB report, your school website will have the links. Administration would have 48 hours from receiving the complaint to conduct an investigation. This will guarantee focus on his behavior and parents would be notified.
Talk to your girlfriend first, but no you wouldn’t an asshole. Autistic people can be assholes too
Hey, so I’m autistic myself. I’m a woman but I had a similar though not as overt issue at school where I was very fixated on someone I had a crush on (another girl).
I would advise talking to a teacher about this. Hopefully, there is a teacher/counsellor who knows a bit more about this guy and his disability and how to communicate with him. What he’s doing is definitely crossing lines and I think it IS a big deal from what you describe so don’t feel like it isn’t. When I had my situation, it got me in trouble more so with my peers and being bullied and such and looking back on it, I actually wish they had spoken to an adult about my inappropriate behaviour so someone could have sat me down and explained some social rules to me and helped me find someone who could support me to work through the obsessive thoughts and stuff that I was having at that time. As teenagers, none of us were capable of those conversations so it turned into other stuff like the bullying and such (which I don’t blame anyone for, we were kids out of our depth).
So yeah, I would suggest speaking to a teacher and you can even say “I’m not trying to get the dude into trouble, I know he’s got his issues but this is what is happening…and this is the impact it’s having on me…so I need someone to step in and help the situation for everyone”. Hopefully you have some decent adults at your school!